Dear Miss U,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and about a year and a half ago he went into the Air Force. At first it was really hard and I didn’t know if I could handle it but I got over it and everything was okay. But recently I’ve been having second thoughts again. I feel like its a lot more trouble than it’s worth and I’m not sure I could handle it for 4 more years (that’s when he’ll be done). Also, I don’t know if I’m as physically attracted to him as I once was. All I know is that when I think about him with someone else it really upsets me and sometimes thinking about not being with him anymore makes me want to cry. I can’t tell if it’s just being away from him so long that I forget how much I love him or if I’m moving on but just being selfish and not wanting him to be with anyone else. I know he loves me more than anything and I felt that way at one time too, but I’m not sure what to do anymore. Any help or advice at all would be great. None of my friends seem to be able to help make up my mind. Thanks.
KB
How often do you see each other in person? Do you have visits at all? What is communication like, is there any?
We get to see each other about 5 or so times a year. He comes home for 2 weeks in the summer and 2 weeks in the winter and then we take little weekend trips to see each other but it’s never enough to solidify any feelings. Also, we are able to text each other constantly throughout the day but its usually the same boring conversation and on the weekends we Skype and call each other. For the most part he knows what I’m feeling right now and he’s trying to do his best to help me through it but there’s only so much he can do considering how confused I am and I don’t want him to know the extent of it because I know how badly he wants to stay with me.
Dear KB,
From everything you’ve said here, it sounds like it’s over, but that you haven’t yet reached that letting go point. Perhaps you just need someone to tell you it’s alright to let go of a relationship wherein nothing is truly wrong. I would say that if you still feel this unsure during or just after a visit, then that should be enough of an answer for you.
It can be hard when things end like this, because most of the relationships we have modelled for us (especially in popular culture and the media) end because one of the people in the relationship did something wrong. There’s often a good person and a bad one, and their break-ups are dramatic. In real life, sometimes two really great people just stop being really great for each other.
Long distance is hard, but personally I’ve never seen it as a good reason to break up. Why end a permanent relationship over a temporary obstacle? Four more years is a long time, especially when you are going through it, but four years out of your entire life isn’t that big of a deal, especially at your age. You could easily chalk this relationship up to a “sure thing” and spend the mean time focusing on yourself and your career – that could be freeing and productive for both of you. (I’m not saying you wouldn’t work on the relationship, I’m saying that you could feel safe enough in the relationship to check off that life-goal box and focus more heavily on other aspects of your life while you wait the distance out.)
Can you see a future with this man? Does the time and effort you put into this relationship feel like an investment? Do you feel like you are going somewhere great together? Do your prospects excite you?
If you’re truly not sure, (rather than just seeking permission to let go of a guy who is great but not great-for-you,) then here are some mental exercises to run though. I use these to help myself figure things out from time to time. Try to visualize the scenarios as vividly as you can.
When you imagine yourself graduating, do you see yourself running into his arms in celebration?
Do you see him at your family’s thanksgiving dinner? Does he belong there?
When you imagine standing beside him on your wedding day, what excites you the most? Are you excited at all? Is there something inside you that hesitates and makes you wonder if you could “do better”?
When your first baby is placed on your chest and you look up with wonder and delight, catching the eye of the person who will be the most proud of you, the most in-love with you and your baby, whose eyes are they? His? Your mom’s? Is the face kind of blurry because you don’t know yet?
If you plan a vacation in your head, who automatically pops into your mind to travel with? Your best friend? Your sister? Him? Do you see yourself alone?
Buying a home or a car, who is there? Is it yours or ours?
When you are old, sitting in your twin recliners, talking about the grandkids or discussing day time drama on television, is it him that you want there with you? Can you imagine him old? Can you imagine loving the lines on his face and the history you have together?
Does it feel good?
The last thought I can share with you is this: People often tell us that once the honeymoon phase ends, the relationship changes and sometimes we think that means we have fallen out of love when we haven’t. On many levels, this is true. There is a point where things aren’t quite so exciting. Where those madly-obsessed-with-you feelings come much less often. Attraction can seem to dim. When this happens it is (in my opinion at least) supposed to be replaced with a type of comfort and security. A sureness that you are in this together, for the long run. The excitement is less, but so is the vulnerability. You know this person values you as much as they value themselves. You trust that they will not willingly hurt you. You are open with them, and they find you fascinating rather than covering you with shame and judgement. They have flaws, but they are the kind of flaws that compliment your own.
For the sake of comparison, when it’s over, it’s much easier to imagine your life without that person in it. When it is over you have a sense that nothing they could say or do would right the wrongs of the past, make you feel less cheated of your time or, most importantly, inspire you on to greater efforts within the relationship yourself. When it’s over, it’s hard to care about the relationship, even though you may still care about the person.
Emotions are fluid. Love is an ocean. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it is shallow, and sometimes it is deep and mysterious. I don’t love my husband the same amount or in the same way every day; and that’s ok. Sometimes the water is cloudy and I can’t even pin-point why I like him, never mind why I love him. Sometimes wanting him in my life has to be enough. Sometimes I choose to love him. But at all times, I know. And the secret to how I know is selfish, but here it is: I know I love him, because I love who I am when I am with him.
