Dear Miss U,
I am hurting really bad right now and I need help, I do not know where else to turn. My SO and I have been talking for over 3 years and we were so in love. Finally in summer of 2014 he came to visit, and It was MAGICAL we had so much Fun and Enjoyed each other’s company. After he went home he told me He didn’t want to be far from me ever again and ended up moving to where I was in Sept of 2014. But now 8 months after we made it official he is dying to go home. He is home sick and at first I felt like he wanted me to go with him. But the past few days he makes little comments like “Why don’t we have more things in Common?” Or “If you go you will just be miserable like I am Here” and It is breaking me. I’m hurting so bad. I never thought I would fall in love with someone so far away and when I finally get him it’s falling apart. Should I try harder to make this work? Or should I Just assume we weren’t as compatible as I thought and just move on?
Falling apart after coming together
Dear FAACT,
I don’t think it is quite time to throw in the towel yet. The thing with depression is that you lose interest in the things that once made you happy, and it can be hard to see a way out or envision a future with happiness in it. Furthermore, these feelings he is having are likely making it hard for him to feel connected to you, which could lead him to assume it won’t work or that your problems are insurmountable when really they aren’t.
Sadly, sometimes a move doesn’t work. That doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work; it just means you need a new plan. Sometimes we close the distance thinking that we are ready when we are not, or thinking it won’t be as hard as it actually will be.
Are you prepared to make the move? Because it looks like that is what it will take to hold this relationship together.
As to his comments, just talk to him. Explain that you are willing to move, and put in place a plan to do so. Tell him that his comments are hurtful, both to you personally and to the relationship over all, and remind him that just because you can’t be his whole word doesn’t mean you are incompatible. Too many people make the move to close the distance thinking all you need is love; that being with the person of their dreams will make everything else bearable. But that’s simply not true. A lot of different factors contribute to our well-being – Rewarding work, nutritional food, exercise, enough sleep, engaging leisure; just to name a few – and one person can not fulfill all those needs in the long term.
You don’t need a lot in common with each other if you both have local friends who share your interests – but if you only have one person to do anything with, they are going to appear to be lacking. When relationships are on the rocks, it can also be hard to see what common ground you share. Trust me when I say that if you resolve the big issue (needing to move to his home place) and start doing things together that you both enjoy you can salvage this. You will both be able to remember why you were crazy about each other.
Keep at it.
Dear Miss U,
My name is Leslie…..I have been dating my BF for around 7 months….funny thing is we met online, we started simply by chatting for couple of months, then things got serious…..I met him in person for time in April…He says he loves me but there are times I feel he avoids talking to me simply because he doesn’t know what to say. This has however left me tongue tied and I sometimes don’t know what to say. I’ve never been in LDR before. He lives in Jersey while I live in Texas. How do I keep convo and his interests alive through his distance? After meeting him for first time it was an instant longing for each other. He will tell me he loves me and there is no other, I tell him as much as I can as well but don’t want to be one of those needy women or get on his nerves with how much I say or express my feelings. Is this an impossible relationship and I’m setting myself up for heartache in long run or do you think our lack of communication is simply due to the fact that we miss each other and it’s hard to express what we feel during those rough spots?
Thank you so very much for this, everyone tells me I nuts for this but I feel deep down he’s the one.
Leslie
Dear Leslie,
When you’re in a near proximity relationship you spend a lot of time together not talking. You’re holding hands and walking. You’re cooking dinner. Watching TV. Driving somewhere. Playing a computer game. Cleaning. Showering. Sometimes you’re even together but doing completely separate things. You’re not in a constant conversation and much of your communication is non-verbal.
In a long distance relationship, by necessity, there will be more talking. But you don’t always have to be talking. Less can be more. It is possible to talk too much and sometimes talking less is the answer to some problems; so don’t stress. Aim to talk for an hour each day. Any more than that, and plan to be multitasking or actively doing something together whilst on the line. Do you have any hobbies in common? Maybe you could read to each other, engage in role play, write song lyrics or learn a language together.
Remember too that being long distance does not remove the necessity of showing each other how you feel rather than just telling each other. Actions do speak louder than words. No, you might not be able to slip notes into his lunch box before work or cook him his favorite meal when you know he’s had a tough day, and he won’t be able to say “I’ll do those dishes love, go rest your feet” nor can he bring you coffee to start your day, but there are other (often more creative) ways to show you mean everything you say. Shipping his favorite bottle of wine to his house to coincide with his latest personal triumph or taking pictures of the ways which he has inspired you to better your life are two effective examples.
The remedy to boring conversations really is to ask really creative questions (there is no way you know everything about each other, and you never will because people grow and change) books of which can be downloaded inexpensively. Lastly, remember to nurture your sex life together. It is a wonderful tool for connecting to each other, and not one that should be reserved for physical proximity. Can’t think of something to say, but you want to be together? Phone sex. Want to hear his voice, but don’t care about his favorite sports team? Phone sex. It’s not to be underestimated.
