It’s OK to not be OK.

Dear Eis,

That’s a lot of change to cope with all at once, be kind to yourself! Let yourself grieve it out for a while, if you need to.

For some people “out of sight, out of mind” is a real problem. It’s not that they don’t love us, just that their brains are wired differently. My sister is one of these people, and when I lived offshore it was hell keeping contact with her. Day to day I see her as much as I see my husband, but if I’m not around she seems to forget that I’m her best friend. I cease to exist.
I’m not going to pretend to understand it, but I want you to know he’s not doing it deliberately. Moreover, he’s probably very grateful you initiate contact with him.

With that said, he still needs to step up his game, and for that to happen you need to talk to him. Don’t hint, just say flat-out “I need more from this relationship,” and tell him exactly what that entails. He might need to set some reminders on his phone until he gets into the habit of calling and texting you. We have all these useful tools in our lives, we may as well put them to use!

The “standard” I generally recommend for people is three texts (not conversations, single texts) and an hour of talk time per weekday, and to aim for more time on weekends, including a video chat date once a month. Now, coming from all-day-every-day, that’s still going to seem like nothing to you, but it’s a nice guide to give him, to show him what others in the same situation are doing.

I haven’t had the privilege of higher education, but I can tell you this: About ten years ago, before marriage and kids, I was working a part time job I hated. Mr. E was also working a shitty job, and our hours never lined up, so I lived in a country I hated, doing a job I hated, for a guy I never saw. It blew chunks. But! Something I did have was free time. Time alone. Time I could have applied to my passions or used to study. Unfortunately, I pissed that time up the wall instead, too busy feeling sorry for myself to function.

Don’t be like Miss U.

I know it’s easier said than done - because depression is a legitimate mental illness and you can’t just decide not to have it - but try. See your doctor. Buy some self-help books. Do whatever you need to do to get out of this slump because you’re never going to have time like this again.

When you settle down with him, you’re not going to have hours to apply to your thesis or hobbies. You’re not going to be as inclined to join groups and meet people. You are never again going to have the freedom you have today, so whatever you do, don’t waste it.

A mate said to me once “stop waiting to live your life – this is your life!” and truer words have not been spoken. This is your life. It’s already started, and if you don’t like it, you need to act now to change it. Is it hard without our other halves? Yes! Yes, it is. But there are some things that are easier without them around too. Capitalize on that.

Most things in life can be improved by improving your attitude. It takes practice, and effort, and those things aren’t a whole lot of fun, but it’s a skill you will use over and over again in your life.

Talk to him, wring some together time out of his schedule, and then use the rest of your time to focus on you and your career. Getting an education benefits both of you and the lifestyle you will live together. So go to the library. Look around and find another human who looks as bored and lonely as you, and study together. It might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, and if not, well maybe they’ll share their snacks.

Dear Brianna,

It’s ok to not be ok. Sometimes something really hard happens, and you have to fall apart for a while. Sometimes you need to cry, scream into your pillow, and mope about how unfair life is – even if we knew in advance that the bad thing was coming. There’s so much focus in our societies on saving face, and keeping up with the Joneses, and never making other people uncomfortable (as they would be if we admitted to our miseries) that sometimes we forget to just be human.

So, Brianna, this is me giving you permission to not be ok for a while. This is your letter to let you know you don’t always have to be strong.

Over time you’ll get into a new routine, your day-to-day life will force you to function, and the pain will ease. But at first, it really blows. At first, the days are long and empty, and nothing feels as warm and bright as when he was around, but over time you’ll remember who you are and what you’re interested in, beyond him. You’ll get back into life, and start doing things that will make him proud (and you proud of yourself). You might even come back and read the letter above this one, giving yourself a kick in the attitude. But right now, while this is all fresh and new – let yourself grieve for what you’ve lost. Be not ok. Cry to the people who understand, and most of all be kind to yourself.

In kindness,