Dear Miss U,
Should I dump him? We only get to see each other once a month, so I feel our time together is special. The last time we had plans, he invited his friends to come along. Just found out he invited his brother to our upcoming date, and this morning, during sexting, he didn’t text back for five minutes. Turns out, he took a call from his ex-wife.
I know what I should do as I type this out, but when it’s good, it’s perfect. Advice?
~ Evelyn
Dear Evelyn,
I think you’ve made your mind up, but here are my thoughts on the matter: He probably doesn’t realize he shouldn’t invite random people on your dates. In his mind, he is proud of you and wants to show you off to his friends and family, and in addition to this, he wants you to be part of his life, his world – he is including you. You can take it as a compliment. Just talk to him about doing it less, or having couple time before or afterward. Both of you need to try to understand the other, not assume that you’re on the same page.
In regards to the sexting – he was honest with you about who he spoke to, so theoretically this is good, and shows he has nothing to hide. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt by assuming it was important/about their kids or something, but if not and she just calls all the time, perhaps talk to him about what’s appropriate and what isn’t. Be fair. I don’t know what the social norms are for this situation, but if my phone rings while I’m texting, regardless of who it is, I pick up the phone. Text messages, even dirty ones, will still be there five minutes later.
Making mountains out of molehills maybe?
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years now. The first year we were together, we were in the same place for college and then he had to move 10 hours away for optometry school. I am a year younger so I had to stay behind to finish school. We toughed out being long distant for 10 months! It went great; we talked a few times a day, Skyped and were able to see each other about once a month! We were both so proud that we were doing so well long distant. BUT…this past week he moved back home for summer break so we are together in the same zip code again. The problem is, we can’t stop arguing and before when we were in school together we never really argued. I am still 150% in our relationship and despite how young I am, think he is the one I am supposed to spend my life with. He however, feels unsure now because of the arguments we are getting into while being together FINALLY! He is saying we should just take things day by day and stop planning for the future (I planned to move to be with him when school is over). He is unsure if we are meant to be together but says, “I really want to make this work.” I really have no idea if we can get back to that place and am so heartbroken, because the only person that stands in the way of that happening is him. What do I do? Why is he feeling this way? Please help if you can, I need an unbiased opinion! Thanks
~ Amanda
Dear Amanda,
It’s just the adjustment period, don’t be alarmed. He wants to make this work – that is a good sign. He’s just feeling like he needs to protect himself in case things remain full of friction, but once things settle down he’ll go back to normal, planning a future and all that. He’s just scared and vulnerable.
I don’t know what you’re arguing about however, is it serious stuff that needs to be resolved? Are you tackling all the problems all at once so it feels like too-much-too-soon? Or are they petty annoyances that you once were accustomed to but now are not because you’ve been apart a while? Are you picking your battles wisely? Have a look back over the fights you’ve had. Try to find his point of view, and any underlying reasons for the friction. Look for solutions and compromises, but if there’s no real issue at hand, learn to recognize that too and let it go before it starts a fight.
Take a few deep breaths, and then go and do something fun together (when you have time, I understand at first he’s going to have a lot of catching up to do with a lot of people) to remind yourselves why you make a great couple.
Dear Miss U,
7 months ago my fiancé of 4 years and I came to visit my family in another state. It was then that they told me of the condition my Grandmother was in, she’d aged gracefully until then, but as with everyone, age did come for her eventually. My grandmother became incapable of taking care of herself, and my mother had just had back surgery. My mother would need help taking care of my grandmother for the next 6 months.
The first three months were fine between my fiancé and I, we talked on the phone frequently, and chatted through the internet all the time. I have a set month for when I’ll be moving back home to be with him again, though there have been problems with money that have pushed the months back a bit, from July to August now, and I find myself staring those next two months with a bit of fear.
To start, my fiancé and I have a great relationship, but as of late I’ve been handling the distance pretty badly. I’m starting to over think things and worry about everything that could go wrong.
His silence never got to me before like it does now, I lived with him for four years and now all of the sudden; zap! He’s not by my side anymore and I can’t just hold his hand and do all the normal things that we did that meant so much to me, we talked, yes, but we didn’t need to talk constantly when we were with each other.
Miss U, my question is…
How can I best handle these next two months, and not put any unneeded strain on my relationship?
~ Kaybe
Firstly Kaybe,
I think that he knows the strain you’re under, he loves you and likely knows any neediness right now is due to the situation, not a personal flaw. He will tough it out with you. He wants to marry you; you’re not going to scare him away by relying on him!
It’s ok to be needy sometimes. But, to be sure, tell him what you told me. Tell him you know you’re being irrational, but you’re scared and lonely anyway. Tell him you’re worrying about everything, and that you hate being needy – open up to him.
In the next couple of months, work with yourself. When the dark thoughts come, push them away. Tell yourself that you’re being silly and giving into the stress. You can control your thoughts. Look back at how far you’ve come, and how strong you have been, and draw strength from the fact the biggest part is behind you. Perhaps keep a diary, write it as though you’re talking to him, so that your unnecessary worries and clingy emotions get let out without affecting him. Occasionally, when you feel like reaching out to him, call one of your friends for a chat instead. Your friends can still support you, whilst giving you other things to focus on.
You can do this. You’re already doing great.
