Hiya, my question is: do you think it’s worth it?? I am from the UK and my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. Our families are from close by but we have always lived apart in different cities, first when we were at uni, the when I was traveling and now he is doing a PhD. He’s writing his thesis now and we talk about moving in together in September when it’s all over. I’m scared because it will totally change the dynamic from being used to not seeing him during the week and then seeing him every two or three weeks to him always being there. We don’t fight normally and have quite a relaxed relationship but I worry that I am too accommodating. It still hurts me that when my granny died last year he did not communicate enough. He always says that he doesn’t like talking on the phone much, and this has caused our most serious fights. I want to talk to him all the time and more than ever because all my friends are in relationships and I find myself on my own a lot without distraction. It doesn’t help that I got a new job which is also very isolating so where I used to throw myself into work I can’t do that anymore. He is my first boyfriend and first love. He talks of marrying me and when I get upset he cries with me and I know he loves me more than anything. I don’t know anyone else in a similar situation and it would be nice to hear someone’s opinion please.
Thanks x
Snowy
Dear Snowy,
After four years, shouldn’t you know whether this is worth it? With the end now within reach, can you not look back and say “It’s been worth it so far?” Only you can say if it is worth it, but my opinion is that there has to be something special for you to cling to all this time, and you’re feeling this way now due to a fear of change more than an uncertainty about your long-term compatibility.
Whilst you will see each other every day if you’re living together, that doesn’t mean you will suffocate each other, especially once both of you are working. Sometimes problems arise in near-proximity relationships because partners are not able to see each other enough – you will still need to make time for each other, especially if one (or both) of you are particularly ambitious or sociable.
On that note, you are obviously a social creature. But has he said he doesn’t like to talk – or does he just not like talking on the phone? Because there is a world of difference there; some people just aren’t comfortable talking via technology. They want to be face to face, possibly with the option of doing something together alongside that conversation (such as making/having dinner, going for a walk or doing chores). Some people are too restless to just chat, especially for long periods of time or with heavy frequency as seen in long distance relationships.
If he actually doesn’t enjoy talking to you at all then yes I would consider that a problem. I couldn’t settle down with someone who couldn’t engage with me in meaningful conversation, or who I thought was silently willing me to stop talking every time I started. In this scenario I would say “no it isn’t worth it.” Relationships with poor communication are more or less doomed to failure.
You need to realize that it’s not his responsibility to be your sole social contact however. If you can’t talk to people at work, find somewhere else to make friends, and make an effort to go spend time with them. Almost every hobby has a group attached to it or people who want to find others who enjoy the same things. From following a particular TV series to quilting to extreme sports there are people out there who want to engage with you. Other places to meet lasting friends include at religious or spiritual gatherings, concerts and other public events, the pub and pet owners or mother’s groups. You can also satisfy your need to connect with others through online forums or Omegle. Or, you can call home and see how your family are doing. We often forget our families once we’re out in the big wide world. All those friends in relationships? You will soon be able to double-date with them. The opportunities are endless.
Yes, things will change but hopefully it will be for the better. It is a great idea to talk to each other about your expectations concerning living together and how much time you’ll want to spend together/ how much time each of you feels would be too much before you are actually in the situation.
My opinion is that you’ve come this far, you may as well give yourselves the chance near-proximity and see where this goes. It doesn’t make sense to drop out of the race when the finish line is right there.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I have had our share of bumps in our relationship. It seems the root is being away from each other…1 hour apart. One major interstate.
I graduated college in May and she is only a sophomore in her 2nd semester now. Went to the same school and all. It’s just that now, I’m essentially working at home trying to make my own living to pay the bills I do have and can only see her on the weekends. She still, after this year and a quarter together, has a tough time with only getting to see me on the weekends or really when it is convenient for me. Sometimes I plan to surprise her and it works. Sometimes she spills the beans so much that she ruins the surprise and I tell her I’m coming anyway–then she feels bad.
I love this girl with everything I have. I try to console her but a lot of times it seems to have no effect…
There is a job I interviewed for that looks to be mine for the taking. I will be traveling all over the US for 4 months and it is a job that I have been trying to get since graduation. She knows it is something I have really wanted to do for a long time and even though she is happy for me, I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice that she does not want me to go…and that it’ll be too much for her. The inevitable seems to be coming. We really want to be together but my career and now her workload at school on top of her sport, put a damper on our relationship and priorities are taking hold. What do we do?
Manny
The main problem I’m seeing here, Manny, isn’t the distance. It’s that she doesn’t feel like a priority in your life, and from what you’ve written, right now she isn’t one.
I also sense that she doesn’t quite grasp what living out of home is like. All she can see is that you have plenty of “free time” that you aren’t spending with her. You see her when it is convenient for you. That speaks volumes to a woman. It says you don’t go out of your way for her, even when you do plan a surprise, and that the relationship right now is very one-sided around you and your life. That in itself is pretty normal, sometimes one partner will need more consideration for a stretch of time or one partner has better ability to be flexible and so carries a greater weight in the relationship for a while. The key is that this doesn’t become part of the relationship’s over-all dynamic and doesn’t become permanent. It can be a struggle to feel like you’re sitting on the back-burner of someone else’s life.
I’m wondering; if you work from home, does your work need to be 9-to-5 Monday-to-Friday or could you add some flexibility in there? Could you work longer hours four days a week to give yourself an extra day off, for example. Could you choose to start your day earlier, and thus have more time to talk with her in the evening?
You need to ask yourself what you can do to show this girl she is a priority and that you love her – because saying it isn’t doing the trick.
Something you can do to help this situation and make her feel not only more of a priority but also more a part of your life is share some of your financial information with her. I understand that finances are a touchy subject for a lot of people and that you probably like your privacy, but if you’re planning on being together long-term talking about money together is something you both need to be good at. So open your world up to her. Tell her about your very real bills, about how much it costs to buy food and what you are doing to maintain a sensible budget. Share your income with her and let her see how the time you spend working is necessary not only for your survival now but for the future you will build together. If you feel ready to advance the relationship a little and she has an income of some sort, you could even open up a joint savings account together.
Both of you are busy with your own lives, and that is great, because things can be so much worse if one partner is busy and the other is sitting home moping. It doesn’t have to take a lot of your time to stay in communication with each other and show each other you care. Wake up a little earlier to give her a five-minute “good morning” phone call or send her a photo of your view when you’re on a break at work. If all turns out well, you’ll be traveling a lot soon and will have plenty of interesting things to share with her. Post cards, while they might seem dated and lame, are a good way to remind her she was on your mind and they take very little effort. Support her and her dreams, encourage her to do well and do not belittle her educational efforts. Remember that her career is just as important as yours, and show a respect for that in the way you speak.
There are things she can do as well, so encourage her. Let her know that you won’t laugh at her if she makes you something, or accuse her of being clingy if she texts you the song lyrics that just made her think of you. Tell her and show her that you want her as part of your life – that she is a part of your life.
Relationships that are fulfilling, fun and full of support and love don’t need to be near-proximity. Remind her why you’re the best guy around, and all of a sudden the lonely evenings and the waiting are all worth it.
