Jealous Woman

Dear Dilvin,

Jealousy is a terrible thing indeed, but cutting him off from his friends is the worst thing you can do as it won’t solve your problem, it just feeds your paranoia and gives you the impression you have the right to dictate who his friends are when you don’t.

Now, let’s look at this logically for a minute. Are you attracted to every single man you meet? Just under half of all people are male. Even if you remove all your family members and narrow down the age bracket, that’s still a lot of people! Do you want them all? The funny guy behind the counter at the video store, the checkout operator with the acne and crazy hair, the guy in the pressed shit you see every day on the subway? Every male customer you serve, every male professor you learn from, every gamer and bus driver, and cable guy? Are you constantly tempted to shack up with them? Do they haunt your dreams? Do you wonder, “What if I was with Donny the Grocer instead of my boyfriend?”
No. I highly doubt you do. So why accuse your partner of this through your actions and paranoia?

Just like you do, he has criteria for who he dates. He has standards. He wants a partner who brings out the best in him and who has a similar time-line to his for life’s big goals. A person who compliments him, can live with his faults and bad habits and who shares a mutual attraction. I’m willing to bet there is a long list of things he looks for in a partner. “Has a vagina” is not the only thing he cares about, so why be threatened by all his friends who just happen to have vaginas?

He’s with you. That’s what you need to remember. If he wanted Janee from Guild Wars or Bertha from WoW, he’d be with them already, but he isn’t. He’s dating you. Maybe Janee is too bossy or wants all her dogs to sleep on the bed. Maybe Bertha lives in her mummy’s pocket and posts all her sexploits online. Or maybe you’re just so perfect he can’t even contemplate being with them, because he already has you. For whatever reason, he chose you. Be the best version of yourself, because you are who he wants.

And his exes? They are exes for a reason. There’s no threat there.

For reasons I don’t understand, jealousy has become romanticized in our culture, but in reality it is a poison that destroys your relationship and eats you from the outside in. But there’s something you can defeat jealousy with: Trust!

Trust is beautiful. Trust is romantic. Trust allows both of you to flourish into true versions of yourselves, and opens you up to be vulnerable to each other because within a trusting relationship you will both feel safe. Trust doesn’t judge you, ask you where you’ve been or give you the third degree.
And if you trust him, you know he will say no.

Don’t lie to yourself and say, “Oh I trust him, I just don’t trust them.” That’s garbage. If you trust him, that’s all it takes because you know he will say, “No, I have a girlfriend.” You know nothing will escalate, because he is faithful.

And if someone does something to him against his will? That’s assault. That’s rape. And that’s never the victim’s fault.

If you trust him it doesn’t matter who his friends are; it just matters who he is. And if you don’t trust him, why are you giving him your heart in the first place?

What you can do is work on your positive self-talk. Nip those negative thoughts in the bud. Give him the freedom to prove his loyalty to you without taking control over his friends list and his life.

Ask yourself, “Would I be upset about this if she had a penis?” and act accordingly.

Dear Feeling Heartbroken,

It looks to me like you dodged a bullet! Re-read the letter you sent me, but pretend your friend wrote it to you. Would you want your bestie to date a lying flake like him? Hell no!

I’m sorry for your pain and disappointment, but I think once the initial wave wears off you will realize how much worse it would have been if he’d stayed around sewing his dishonesty for longer.

Give yourself time to grieve and process everything that happened. Block him so that he can’t resurface and mess with your life later on, and focus on doing the things you love, even if initially it’s hard to find the enthusiasm. You were fine without him before you met him, and you will be alright now that he’s gone.

Believe in yourself.