Dear Miss U,
Panu ko ba malalaman na mahal talaga niya ako? We’re in long distance relationship.
Kerth.
Dear Kerth,
Google translate tells me that your question is “how do I know if he loves me?” and I think all of us have wondered this very thing from time to time. The only way to know for sure is through a combination of his words and actions. If he treats you in a way that makes you feel safe, happy, respected and loved, and he tells you that he loves you, then you have no reason to doubt it.
If he has never said the three magic words however, it becomes a bit of a guessing game – one that people can start to obsess over.
Pay attention to the words he uses, and whether or not he seems eager to talk with you (for example: he doesn’t hesitate to contact you first and seems disappointed if you’re unavailable etc.) When you are on webcam; pay attention to his body language. You may have to research body language so that you know what his actions are telling you.
Or you could just find the courage and ask him!
Dear Miss U,
My SO and I just hit the 6th month of us being exclusively committed to each other. We were attached at the hip since the day we first hung out and decided to be exclusive. It has been very difficult because we met at the end of the summer and shortly after, I moved back on my campus that is an hour away from him, and we made that work pretty well. The issue now is studying abroad in Costa Rica for 3 months. Some things are starting to trouble me. We have been going strong (for the most part) but he still has not made things official between us and says that “why does it matter, you have everything from me but the label”? Honestly, it bothers me because 1. What gives? and 2. Why do I deserve everything that I get from him except the title? He allows me to spend time with his family, and since we became super-long-distance, I even visit his family by myself. We spend hours on the phone and text each other all day. We talk about the future and have those tough conversations i.e. religion, politics. It just seems like lately we argue about everything under the sun and personally, there is the recurring issue of listening and respect. He turns around my words and refuses to acknowledge my purpose behind them—and then uses it in future arguments. He loses his temper and becomes disrespectful like cursing when he speaks, yelling, or giving me commands like “be quiet, I am not going to tell you again”. When he calms down, I point these things but he does not acknowledge them as such.
– Abused or confused?
Dear Abused,
I don’t think you’re confused; I think you should be running for the hills, figuratively speaking. I know it’s difficult to learn to have disagreements in a mature fashion, without putting the other person down or raising your voice, but at his age if he hasn’t learned to show you respect (in or outside of an argument) he probably isn’t going to. It’s not a good sign that even when he isn’t angry anymore he can’t admit that he was acting poorly and apologize. Perhaps you might have some luck learning some stronger communication skills together by researching communication styles. I have not read it, but the book “Five love languages” comes to mind. Looking into other ways to communicate during disagreements could be an option, for example you could write letters to each other rather than talking it over in real time, or even just taking turns to speak may make a difference. A timer or other symbol of whose turn it is, like a talking teddy, may be useful.
It is very odd that he’s exclusive with you, but doesn’t want the labels, particularly seeming you’re close with his family. He’s obviously not trying to keep the relationship hidden, so I’m really not sure what gives unless he’s waiting to see if someone ‘better’ comes along. Personally, I would just start using the labels if it’s important to you. If he says he is committed to you, you’re exclusive and everything else points to the fact you’re in a relationship, then call it what it is. You know that old saying “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck…”
I get the impression you might be arguing because you’re spending too much time talking to each other and not enough time doing your own things and having fun. I know it sounds crazy, but you really can have too much of a good thing, and if you’re always stuck on your phones that very well could be where the irritation is coming from.
Try to work on the quality of your communication rather than the quantity, but if in a few months he’s still not showing you respect and the issue with labels isn’t solved, it might be time to reassess the relationship.
Dear Miss U
I am in a new LDR and am worried it won’t work. We met online and have never met each other in person, but I am falling for him hard. We’ve only had one skype date, but it was incredible. He makes me feel special and happy. When I’m talking to him everything else disappears. He says he feels the same way. When talking to my friend about him, she planted all these doubts in my mind and now I’m worried about it. She said that he could be lying about all of the stuff he’s telling me and he could be saying this to a lot of other girls too. I want to trust him and be at ease, but I don’t know how. I want to show him that I trust him, but what if I shouldn’t be? I just want this to work; more than anything.
HELP!
– Conflicted in Oregon
Dear Conflicted,
All relationships have to face the prospect of not working out. All people have the ability to lie and cheat. If you met him at the corner store and went on a date with him the same risks would still apply – he could be seeing other women he met at the corner store, or he could be lying about his job, his family, his age, whatever. Being near or far apart has no bearing on whether a potential partner is going to be who they say they are, so forget the stereotypical rubbish that your friend is fretting over.
Just be smart, the same as you would if you started dating a stranger from your own city. Don’t give out all your details right away unless they can be changed easily, don’t send him money or your credit card information, don’t rush into anything, and when you’re finally ready to meet in person, do so in a safe public place and make sure someone close to you knows where you are and has his details (it’s probably overkill, but it’s always best to be safe)
It’s safe to trust him as much as you would any other friend you’ve recently met.
Trust yourself and your instincts.
