Just Talk To Me!

Dear Miss U,

We have been long distance 1 month. It seems really difficult. Day by day, our conversations are getting shorter and shorter. Our conversation stops suddenly and we both become silent and my mind says, "What to talk about next?" Everyday conversation is the same. Because of this, my boyfriend thinks that I don't have anything to talk about. He thinks that he has been talking all the time. Now he doesn't want to talk until I start the conversation. This makes me more awkward in our conversations. He thinks I'm losing interest in him but I'm not. I LOVE him so much and I want this relationship to stay forever. Please help me out.

Punyo

Dear Punyo,

This is a challenge that often happens during LDRs particularly if the people in them have a set routine wherein not much changes. With the whole world staying home or trying to stay away from other people as much as possible, it’s doubly hard to find interesting things to talk about, but honestly, there is always something to talk about. You can use questions for couples to prompt conversations, you can discuss world events, local politics, and share what is happening in your family and friend group. You can keep a notepad in your pocket and jot down thoughts and interesting moments to save for conversation later too.

Beyond that, do more than just talking. You can read to each other, or buddy-read a book. You can watch shows or play online games. You can plan an imaginary holiday. You can learn how to budget together or talk about what you expect when you finally close the distance. There are plenty of resources on this site to make your LDR less painful.

Remind him, too, that when people live together they don’t talk constantly. They’re cooking and cleaning and caring for pets/children. They’re studying and doing their own hobbies, whilst enjoying that feeling that their partner is right there any time they need. So just because you’re on a video call doesn’t mean you can’t also be building a Lego model or sticking photos in a scrapbook. Be companionable. Be together without putting pressure on the conversation.

Good luck

Dear Miss U,

I stumbled across this forum and I have never been so glad in my life!! So I met this guy online last year January. We clicked, the whole non-stop talking for days on end. I am in Africa and he is in Europe. He was working from home at the time so his hours were flexible as were mine. I traveled to see him in October last year and it was great.

We both got added roles at work late last year which reduced the amount of time we had to communicate but we adjusted. He recently started living alone with reduced hours and I thought he would have more time for me. But he started gaming all evenings and weekends. The communication became worse. I expressed my concerns and he apologized and things have improved slightly. He checks in when he wakes up and during the day.

Because of the distance, communication is important to me and I don't think we are communicating, we chat but it does get mundane. I have tried to use apps and conversation starters to spice things up to no avail. An old flame has started texting me (though I know he is bored at home and is using me as a place filler). What worries me is that the "place filler" guy seems to be more interested in my life and how I am doing than my boyfriend. He checks in on me and follows up on how my day has been.

I feel like I am at the end of my rope and I don't want to raise the issue again. I have entertained ending the relationship several times this month but I do care for this guy. Am I asking too much?

End of my rope

Hi End of my rope,

Place filler guy is playing a game to suck you in, don’t use him as a measuring stick.

I don’t feel like you’re asking too much, but just in case I will give you my “standard” which I’ve recommended here for years and also use myself when Mr. E works away. I advocate for three text-based messages a day—not necessarily conversations, individual messages—this might be a good morning, a selfie, and a meme, or it might be updates, or text-based convos while waiting in line at the café. Light points of contact that don’t mean much and don’t take effort. In addition to this, I believe a couple should talk for an hour a day. Sometimes that might be split into two sessions if a couple is very busy or have a massive time difference. If there is no phone or the internet is sketchy long emails should be exchanged each day. (500 words or better)

Are you getting an hour of his time each day? Do you feel like you get the opportunity to talk about all the things you want to discuss with him?

If you do feel like you talk enough but don’t CONNECT enough, would you consider playing one of the games with him? Is that an option? Is there something fun you could do together that isn’t simply talking?

I feel we owe it to our partners to say, “this still isn’t working, can we try something else?” rather than just giving up. Try your hardest, so that when you cut your losses you don’t second-guess your decision. Be honest about what you need and what you offer. At a really basic level, relationships are a contract wherein all the participants' needs should be getting met, and the happiness of the partner involved is as important as personal happiness. If he doesn’t care that you feel lonely and disconnected, that’s not something you can fix. But if he does care and just doesn’t know what to do, you can help him with resources, compromise, and clearly explaining what you need.

What would tell your best friend if she was dating your boyfriend?

Dear Miss U , I have been dating my boyfriend Francis long distance a few months now. He lives in New York and I’m in Florida and we met through a religious dating site. We seem to be a good match and have the same goals in life, however lately I feel like our convos are too short and we don’t have enough lengthy talks like most couples need while dating. We both have different schedules; he’s a busy man but I’m scared that we not talking enough and one day he will get bored and leave me. [read more: He’ll Get Bored and Leave]
Dear Miss U, I am in a LDR and I have spoken to him about communication, and I have some uneasy feelings sometimes. For instance, I have been asking him how his day is going and to stay safe because of all this coronavirus going on. He has to still work which concerns me for his well being. But he is at work with not much work and when I check on him he will respond with a “Oh I’m just looking on my phone,” but he never calls me or texts me first. Sometimes I get a response like 2 hours later which I can understand he is at work, but the problem is when he gets off, I know he is not going to the gym anymore because they are closed temporarily. He won’t respond for hours and I would text again and ask, “Hey is everything ok, are you safe?” After 2 more hours, he would text me and say, “Oh hey I am safe, I made it home I was watching movie with the family.” Not the first time he has done something like this. [read more: Better Off Friends… Or Strangers?]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.