Just Talk To Me!

Dear Punyo,

This is a challenge that often happens during LDRs particularly if the people in them have a set routine wherein not much changes. With the whole world staying home or trying to stay away from other people as much as possible, it’s doubly hard to find interesting things to talk about, but honestly, there is always something to talk about. You can use questions for couples to prompt conversations, you can discuss world events, local politics, and share what is happening in your family and friend group. You can keep a notepad in your pocket and jot down thoughts and interesting moments to save for conversation later too.

Beyond that, do more than just talking. You can read to each other, or buddy-read a book. You can watch shows or play online games. You can plan an imaginary holiday. You can learn how to budget together or talk about what you expect when you finally close the distance. There are plenty of resources on this site to make your LDR less painful.

Remind him, too, that when people live together they don’t talk constantly. They’re cooking and cleaning and caring for pets/children. They’re studying and doing their own hobbies, whilst enjoying that feeling that their partner is right there any time they need. So just because you’re on a video call doesn’t mean you can’t also be building a Lego model or sticking photos in a scrapbook. Be companionable. Be together without putting pressure on the conversation.

Good luck

Hi End of my rope,

Place filler guy is playing a game to suck you in, don’t use him as a measuring stick.

I don’t feel like you’re asking too much, but just in case I will give you my “standard” which I’ve recommended here for years and also use myself when Mr. E works away. I advocate for three text-based messages a day—not necessarily conversations, individual messages—this might be a good morning, a selfie, and a meme, or it might be updates, or text-based convos while waiting in line at the café. Light points of contact that don’t mean much and don’t take effort. In addition to this, I believe a couple should talk for an hour a day. Sometimes that might be split into two sessions if a couple is very busy or have a massive time difference. If there is no phone or the internet is sketchy long emails should be exchanged each day. (500 words or better)

Are you getting an hour of his time each day? Do you feel like you get the opportunity to talk about all the things you want to discuss with him?

If you do feel like you talk enough but don’t CONNECT enough, would you consider playing one of the games with him? Is that an option? Is there something fun you could do together that isn’t simply talking?

I feel we owe it to our partners to say, “this still isn’t working, can we try something else?” rather than just giving up. Try your hardest, so that when you cut your losses you don’t second-guess your decision. Be honest about what you need and what you offer. At a really basic level, relationships are a contract wherein all the participants' needs should be getting met, and the happiness of the partner involved is as important as personal happiness. If he doesn’t care that you feel lonely and disconnected, that’s not something you can fix. But if he does care and just doesn’t know what to do, you can help him with resources, compromise, and clearly explaining what you need.

What would tell your best friend if she was dating your boyfriend?