Miss You Issues: Just This Once - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My girlfriend and I haven’t been dating very long, but we are very much in love. A few months ago I was approached with a job opportunity that would take me to China for a year. It’s been a dream of mine to travel since I was little, and a chance like this I feel like I can’t afford to pass up. Since then, my girlfriend has been nothing but supportive of my dream but I see how much pain she is going through, and will go through if and when I leave. Having gone through much loss herself, she is the type of person to shut away her feelings and never really let them rise to the surface. My fear is that she will become a shell of the girl I love while I try desperately to try and keep things (and her) together while also being burdened by the weight of not being able to see me for months on end. In our relationship I have been her white knight trying to save her from herself. Bringing her out of her shell and being her strength. But now that I am being taken from her I feel like I’m betraying her and our love by leaving… I guess my question is, is this all worth holding on to, when I know my girl is slowly dying inside half a world away?

Frozen in Fear

Dear Frozen,

I hope that she reads this. I hope that she understands your inner turmoil and knows how hard this is for you. And I hope that you do it anyway; just this once.

As much as we want to save the people we love, sometimes we do more harm than good. I believe that you taking this trip will actually benefit her because she will be forced to stand on her own feet, she will have to acquire the skills needed to hold herself together (with your support, of course.) It won’t be easy, but for her to grow and progress in her own life she needs to be whole. She needs to learn that she’s loved even when she is completely by herself and alone. Beyond that, it can benefit many of us to see that those we love don’t forget us no matter where they are or what they are doing. It’s reassuring to know that our loved ones can be out of our sight but perfectly fine and safe – we don’t need to worry ourselves sick that something may happen.
There are many positives that can be drawn from hard situations.

I am confident it will help you too. You will have this experience you have always longed for, and you will not resent her for holding you back. You will learn and grow and bring new interesting things into your conversations with her.

Being gone physically doesn’t mean you stop being her support. It means you reach out to her differently. You learn new ways to nurture each other and the relationship. You use your creativity to keep things fun. You are and can still be everything to her at a distance that you are for her when you are home. But when you go do so with a firm commitment to come home at the end of that year. Follow through with that, putting her first, no matter what opportunity opens up or what boss begs you to stay. If she stands by you through your year abroad, you stand by your word and go home to her. Don’t betray her by asking more time on top of this. And if you want travel to be a big part of your future you need to discuss that with her. Find ways that she can travel with you next time, or something that makes you worth her wait if her career doesn’t give her that freedom to travel. (Note: Her career is always equally important to yours. Don’t ask a sacrifice off her that you wouldn’t make yourself.)

As you said, this relationship is very new. I feel it would be foolish to let this opportunity go for a relationship that has just begun. But let this be the first, last and only time you choose to live abroad without her if she’s even half as amazing as you have led me to believe.

Dear Miss U,

So I am moving away from my country in September to study dance in another country. We both know this, and are aware that the relationship is going to end at this time. At the moment we live in two different towns, many miles from each other. I am going to visit him for a week in August, which will be the last time I see him.

I am up for the thought of enjoying the little time we have left to the fullest. By this I mean that I want to talk to him, video chat with him, really get to know him. I am really in love, therefore I don’t see the point of holding back now when I soon can’t see him anymore.

I think he, on the other hand, is a little afraid of getting too involved. Lately I have been the one taking contact, and when we chat the conversation is kind of dead. We have not spoken at the phone in many days, and I am afraid to call him because I don’t want to seem weak or desperate. My biggest fear is that he realizes that it is no point of keeping this going, and stops talking to me and gets over me before I get to see him in August.

We spent a week together early in July, which we both agreed was the best week of our lives. But I think that he handles the distance better than I do, and that he is more independent than I am. Which really bothers me.

I really try not to always be the one taking contact, but it is hard because I really really want to talk to him, making sure everything is OK.

Any thoughts or advice?

Thank you,
Marit.

Dear Marit,

It is as you have said, there is no point in him investing his time and energy into a relationship with you. It’s a waste and a one-way ticket to heartbreak. It’s almost cruel for you to expect that of him.

My best advice is that you talk to him about how you feel, listen to how he feels and not to waste your time trying to play it cool. It doesn’t matter who makes contact first. If you want to be in contact; initiate. The worst that will happen is some guy you’re not planning a future with will think you were a little clingy, which won’t affect you in the slightest.