Dear Miss U,
A few months ago, I had to move to Manhattan for a new job. My girlfriend supports me 100% and only want the best for me. She lives back in New Jersey in a town which is an hour away. We have considered moving in together but since I’m so busy, driving back and forth from NY to NJ just isn’t really an option. I work about 10 hours a day. We talk to each other as much as possible and have considered moving in with each other. Because of my job, I can’t move back to NJ and she is so committed to her life and family that she is afraid of leaving all of that behind. Neither of us are willing to compromise and move somewhere halfway between us. I wish we could see eye to eye on this topic because I can really say that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. We will have to think of something eventually. I really want this to work. Any advice because I could really use some right about now.
Stiles
Getting right to the heart of the matter Stiles, you’re both being ridiculous.
There. I said it. An hour is nothing. It is common to commute an hour each way every day for work. I understand you’re working long hours and you’d prefer not to do it. Nobody wants to do it – but the fact is, these days it’s not at all unusual for a couple to live together and then have to commute in different directions for work; or for one person to live close to their family/friends/job and the other to commute. In fact, that’s my situation here with Mr. E, who spends nearly three hours on commute every day.
It’s also not really a big deal to live an hour away from your friends and family if you have a car or access to reliable public transport. She wouldn’t be uprooting her life and leaving everything behind. It’s an hour, not moving across the country.
The obvious solution is for you to meet half way. If being half an hour away from family is too much for her and commuting half an hour each way for work is too much for you, I’m thinking you probably don’t value the relationship half as much as you need to.
Sit down together with a pad of paper and work out such factors like how much rent is in each other the three prospective locations (her hometown, Manhattan, or halfway), how much it would cost to commute to work every day for each of you. Take into account how often each of you already spend time with family/friends and any other special considerations, like contracts that bind either of you to a specific place (phone/internet contracts, gym memberships, or if one of you can’t drive etc) Weigh up the pros and cons on what would work for you as a couple; it’s time to stop thinking selfishly like single people. If you want this relationship to work, you’ve both got to get out of the habit of only putting yourselves first. An hour is not the crisis situation you’re making it out to be.
Stop being ridiculous.
Dear Miss U,
I got pregnant and married at the age 18, had a horrible experience with marriage and was divorced by the age of 21. Had to grow up so fast and became so bitter out of the marriage, promising to never allow anyone to make me feel that low and lonely again. I promised myself that I’d rather be alone and happy, than to be with someone and unhappy.
I’m now 24. Along the way, I went on a few dates, a lot of my friends, set me up on blind dates constantly, and I just wasn’t interested. About a year and a half ago, I ran into an old friend. Someone who’s very close to my family. We would hang out occasionally at first, then it went to hanging out constantly. He became my best friend. I actually trusted him. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, because even with my ex-husband, I never felt that way.
Being a really good friend, I allowed him to meet my daughter after 7 months of talking. Soon after that, I left to Thailand and Vietnam for a month long trip, and he was going to move from where I am, Sacramento to Seattle. And when I was to return, he wouldn’t be near anymore. But being guarded, I kept everything back. When I returned he visited a few times. But what changed everything was when he spent Nov-Jan in Sacramento for the holidays. We just opened up and being that he is like my best friend, I wasn’t ashamed to tell him anymore. Before going back to Seattle, we both decided to make it official, and it’s been great.
I made the effort to make a trip up to Seattle to spend Valentine’s Day weekend with him. But lately I’ve been feeling different, or maybe I’m not used to it or thinking too much, but it’s coming to a point where, I can feel that I’m falling really deep in love with him, but there’s still a wall I need to break down. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I want to know if it’s truly worth it. Like being with him makes me truly happy. I never imagined ever feeling like this. When I sit and think about it, I can see myself growing old with this man, and he tells me all the time how much I mean to him and where he can see us in 5 years, but never where, like the location.. I don’t know why but I’ve been so curious about where we’re going.
His family lives in Seattle, he was living in Sacramento with relatives. The fact that I have a daughter and my ex-husband and I both share custody of her. It kills me to know that I wouldn’t ever find the guts in me to move to be with him because I don’t want to take my baby with me and keep her away from her father, or to leave my baby behind and be apart from her kills me. But I don’t think I could ask him to move here for me either. I feel so selfish trying to see where it’d end up one day. I don’t know why but I want to know so much. And sometimes, I’d rather just be single and just be alone, because the distance is exactly the same but with someone showing affection. If it’s not reachable, I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. Am I driving myself crazy? Help… = (
LeAnn
Dear LeAnn,
I’m sure that, being your best friend, your partner knows your first priority is your daughter. As it should be. If there’s ever a question of having to choose between the two, your daughter should always win. She is your responsibility, whatever is best for her is the answer – that is what must be done. Children don’t ask to be conceived, so when we have them it’s our duty to love, educate and protect them. The needs of the adult often come secondary because we have the greater ability to cope and understand. With that said I doubt he would ever expect you to leave your daughter and he likely knows you can’t take her away from her father while they have a loving relationship.
It is perfectly natural that you want answers; that you don’t want to invest in a relationship if you’re unsure of where it is headed. All you can do is take a few deep breaths and talk to him.
Dear Miss U,
My LDR boyfriend is worried that we won’t be interested in each other when we finally meet this May. I disagree with him. Is it possible to not have spark when we meet even though we have been talking for 6 months?
Kaylie
Dear Kaylie,
I hate to break it to you, but yes, it’s a valid concern. Some relationships are great online, but there’s nothing there in person. There’s no good worrying about it however. It’ll either be great, or it won’t. In the event you don’t work out, at least you won’t be bumping into him every time you go to the shops. Most of the time however, it does work out and couples are blissfully happy. The memory of a first meet is one that becomes cherished. Either way, you can’t know until you try, so jump in with both feet, unafraid!
