Dear Miss U,
I live in New York and my significant other lives in the southern base of Florida. We have been dating for almost a year and everything is going well except we’ve been arguing a lot due to a lot of issues we are facing. Now, I have known about these certain issues since before we started dating, about two years ago to be exact when we were nothing but friends, but now I can’t help but feel neglected at times because I feel like he just isn’t caring about me or my feelings. He never apologizes for hurting my feelings or for insinuating insults, but I throw all of that out the window. I have so much love and admiration for him that I’m selling my car and I’m secretly planning a trip for the both of us just to get some alone time in, and also some personal time in. We’ve seen each other 3 times in the past 8 months – which to me is A LOT – compared to other long distant couples. But, my main question is…should I be trying harder with someone who gets so depressed, should I move closer, and should I still continue on planning this secret get away with him? He’s the only person I value so much in my life and I love him entirely so much. Please bring solace to my mind, thank you.
Nostalgic in New York
Dear Nostalgic,
Speaking as someone who has battled mental illness; depression is not a licence to be an arsehole. It does not excuse his behaviour. You still deserve apologies. And you most certainly deserve to feel that your partner holds you in high regard. If you don’t feel cared about, supported, validated and respected than it’s probably the relationship you need to throw out the window, not your emotional needs and wounds.
It’s great that you love and value him but you need to remember to love and value yourself too. I would recommend resolving your long standing issues before contemplating moving closer.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 1 1/2 years now, and recently our relationship had to become long distance because he graduated from our boarding school. It’s really hard for us to get together because he lives in Korea during the summer and is going to be going to a college about a 7 hour drive from my home and 6 hours from my boarding school. Also, my parents are pretty conservative, and wouldn’t ever trust me to stay the night in a hotel close to his college or something. I feel like he has almost given up on seeing me and is determined to believe that when we finally do meet up it will only be for a few hours. Because of this, I also feel like he has given up and lost motivation to try to plan ways we can see each other. How can I change his outlook? How can I see him and make sure that we are able to spend quality time together? Neither of us have a car, so we can have to rely on buses or planes to get to each other (he will be going to school in Boston so there are some train and buses up to there). We talk very regularly and things are very normal and good between us now. He makes me so happy and I can’t even imagine not talking to him every day. But if it’s not possible for us to see each much and we aren’t working towards an end goal is it an unrealistic idea to date? Will our relationship eventually just fade out?
Confused Cat
Dear Cat,
There is no reason you can’t work towards an end goal of eventually being together. There’s no reason you can’t stick it out with brief visits and long calls until you’re an adult and have your destiny in your own hands. Two or three years is going to seem like it was nothing when you’re celebrating your ten year anniversary.
If you make each other happy even when you’re not together, there’s no reason to cut this romance short. If this relationship is worth it, together you will find a way.
Dear Miss U,
I’m from Philippines….I have a live in partner for almost 9 years. We have four children. But with in that 9 years we didn’t get married, I know he loves me…but now I don’t know my feelings for him…now I’ve been having a relationship with this guy from Bangladesh…I love him so much….he’s my life and everything now…I know it’s wrong of loving him coz I have a family…I don’t know what to do now…I don’t want to leave my children but I don’t want to lose this guy from Bangladesh also…we’ve been chatting and video call…he’s been so good for me ever since I meet him…
Jane
Dear Jane,
Your children need to remain your highest priority here, because they are the most vulnerable. I don’t know how amicable your live-in partner will be about a break-up and I don’t know what the laws are surrounding custody. I would recommend seeking legal advice about that before you proceed.
You need to make it clear to Mr. Bangladesh that you won’t be abandoning your children, and make a plan from there. Perhaps he would be willing to move to you, at least until your eldest has come of age.
As to your nine year relationship, I recommend looking deeply into why you are straying and if it could be fixed, rather than you outsourcing your needs with Mr. Bangladesh. Nine years is a lot to throw away, especially if there isn’t any problem with the relationship.
No matter what you do, know why you are doing it.
No matter what you decide, make sure you know why you made that decision.
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Comments 1
Your words is very sad but you have to be strong, after all done regret comes after loving someone more in return you'll geting more pain both sides, the more you loved him/her the more pain you have to face, remember you born free…