Lady and a Baby

Dear Miss U,

It's Rita again!

I wrote you a while back it was about meeting my boyfriend in person and my dad didn't accept him because he is undocumented; also I was pregnant. To keep you updated, I had my beautiful baby girl thank god.

Now, my relationship with her father is in a bad position. We recently separated because we can not compromise on major things. There was a time I wanted to be married but he wasn't ready, then again he was ready and somehow my heart pulled off to the idea of marriage. To tell you the truth he always wanted to marry me. I'm the one who's scared of marriage; I'm yet to understand why.

Our relationship has become a situation-ship, we do not live together at the moment. Every now and then, he will come to see his daughter. He will want to get intimate with me at the same time. He doesn't want to work on fixing our relationship. One thing I know for sure, I will get married one day, but as a woman, it's making me feel bad that he's getting everything too easily.

I have made things clear to him that I don't want to just be the mother of your child and sex partner. I'm not getting any younger either think about it or we can truly move on. I guess my question to you is do you think there's hope for our relationship? Is there a way to fix things? I mean the purpose for us to move in together was to end up in marriage. Now, I don't even know what we are doing or what the future holds for us. I still love him and I would love for him to be my husband.

Help please!
- Rita

Hey Rita!

Congratulations on your baby girl, I wish the form allowed you to attach a picture. I’m sure she’s amazing.

I don’t need to tell you parenting is hard, because you’re in the thick of it. And in my opinion, if he’s not living in the parenting trenches with you, you owe him nothing. She’s his baby too. He needs to be there, changing nappies, doing bath time, taking her for a stroll during the witching hour, and helping resettle after you give feeds in the middle of the night. That’s the stuff husbands are made of, not booty calls and occasional play-dates.

I know when we were new parents, Mr. E kind of kept the baby at arm’s length. “But I don’t know what to do!” he’d say. I had to explain to him that none of us know what we’re doing, and the only reason I appear better at it than him is simply because I’m spending more time with the baby than he is. There may have been some swearing on my behalf.

My point is, you need to speak up and tell him exactly what you expect, and me personally, I’d start there, with him actually parenting and providing practical help around the home. He can hold the baby so you can shower or eat a meal. He can clean the bathroom or wash a load of dishes. He is just as capable as you, and he needs to start putting in the effort. There’s nothing sexier than a man who takes care of his child, and besides, if he wants you to have energy left for him, he needs to carry some of the load.

Okay, so marriage. I am married, and honestly, the difference isn’t felt within the relationship. Some people outside the relationship will treat you with more respect, and it is handy with kids if everyone has the same last name. But you’re not at a point where you need to be thinking about marriage. There are lots of things marriage won’t do, and fixing your relationship is one of those things.

Marriage will happen organically when your relationship is thriving. Additionally, we’re not in the 1800s anymore. You are eligible to marry at any age (adult, obviously). You can start a new relationship at any age. Stop worrying about time, and focus more on getting the support, love, and respect you deserve. Focus on how he makes you feel and whether he helps you raise this child and chase your own dreams. A marriage certificate doesn’t make for better partners, if anything they tend to slack off a bit after you marry them, so make sure he’s just about perfect before you tie the knot.

You’ve said he doesn’t want to work on fixing the relationship. If that’s the case, it’s over. There’s nothing positive I can say there because relationships (and marriages) take work. They take constant effort. Forever. From both partners. If he’s not willing to work on it and be there during the most intense year of your daughter’s life, what do you want this guy for anyway? Love isn’t enough. Love won’t get you dinner when you’re too exhausted to feed yourself. Love won’t clean your counters when the baby has cried all day and there are fruit flies are staging a rebellion in the kitchen. It’s just as important to have a useful partner as a loving one.

I’m sorry it’s falling apart at the moment. Hopefully, he will change his mind and decide he is willing to work on the relationship after all. But if not, having an answer and the freedom to raise your daughter how you choose can also be a blessing.

Wishing you all the best,

Dear Miss U, I met my boyfriend in person and at the time he was working in North Carolina. …I told him that if he was serious about me then he should make effort to come see me until we figure out how to close the distance. Let me not forget to mention he is undocumented which means it’s hard for him to get a job. My boyfriend didn’t give up: not only did he come to visit me from time to time but he also moved to my state. His brother gave him a job. …the biggest problem of all is my family, my father especially. He can’t accept him because he’s not from my country and also because he’s undocumented. …To make matters worse, I am now pregnant without being married to the man I’m living with. …How can I tell my family? Please help! [read more: Closely Guarded Secrets]
Dear Miss U, … I’m ashamed to say that my boyfriend and I were having problems in our relationship. One night I “broke up” with him. It was more of a break, and only lasted 10 days. My boyfriend wanted to move back with me but had to downgrade his car. This meant he couldn’t live with me, so that’s how we became long distance. At first, it was okay, because he would still come to visit on the weekends. But, my dad never actually liked my boyfriend. So one day while my boyfriend was sleeping over, my dad yelled at him to leave and shoved my mom, who was trying to defend us, into a door. These past few months have been hell. We rarely get to see each other anymore. I’ve been trying to get out of this situation, living with friends, other family, applying for jobs. But nothing works. I don’t see things getting better soon. What am I supposed to do? Every day feels wrong without him. I can’t just cope with this forever... [read more: Don’t Ever Give Up]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.