Learning How to Love

Dear Helen,

There are a few things I can see here: Firstly, it looks to me like he’s just better at communicating his feelings via text than by speaking. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, as long as you both recognize it and work with it.

Secondly, he seems very mature. Why should he care that other guys ask you out? You can look after yourself! Moreover, this shows that he trusts you. Gosh, with all the hyper jealous people who have written to me over the years, I feel like this is a great problem to have!

Okay so “there’s nothing I can do about it,” is a shit response. But you know what? Knowing the right answer to be the best support person doesn’t come naturally for a lot of people, especially if they have been raised in a household where emotions are for girls and boys don’t talk about their problems. I think it’s dumb, but that’s actually a super common thing. So if it’s that or something similar, it might take a while for him to rewire his response.

Mr. E is my biggest support person. If you’ve read past letters, you probably picked up that I’ve had my share of traumatic upbringing and mental health issues, and guess who bears the weight of my instability? Yep, my husband, Mr. E. He knew from the start that I’m not like other girls (that is to say I have more issues than a magazine!) and he’s always loved me anyway, but he hasn’t always been the best support.

When we were younger he would get so angry when I’d talk about my problems. We’ve had countless fights about it, and what it boils down to is that he sees his role as someone who fixes problems, but mine can’t be fixed, so he rages. These days I remind him before I start ranting, “I don’t want you to fix this, I just want you to listen, say something nice, and hug me.” Clear communication is the thing that will save your relationship. Tell him what you need in clear language. Tell him what responses are hurtful so he doesn’t keep using them. Teach him how to support you.

I very much doubt that he’s with you because he feels bad, but if that’s the case you’ll figure it out pretty early on. Honestly, people are inherently selfish. Most people will not stick around someone who makes them feel bad, or like they are suffering, or who is a constant drain on their energy if there isn’t any pay-off. Chances are you feel like you talk about negative stuff way more than you actually do, because you have to listen to the thoughts going around and around constantly. The good news is that you’re aware of it, so you’re probably making an effort not to have the relationship be only about you and your struggles.

I have a story for you. Mr. E has a life-long friend. When we met in person, I met the friend too, and his girlfriend. Everyone in their group hated the girlfriend. They talked trash about her to his face, and behind their backs. I never heard him speak in her defense. I never saw him reach for her. She made the plans and dragged him along. She always reached out to him or kissed him first. Over time I believed what the rest of the group did – that he was only with her because it was easier than breaking up.

Anyway, eventually, it got too much for her. The trash talk, the lack of support. They’d been long distance and she’d moved to him. Finally, after a string of failed jobs that everyone said she was too lazy or stupid to keep, she moved back home with her family, leaving his state and him behind.

That was when I first heard him say he loved her. And a few weeks later he’d moved to her state to build a life with her. They both have long term jobs now. They have kids. She’s not the girlfriend, she’s the wife. We were all wrong about both of them.

I, too, have had trouble getting Mr. E to defend me, especially against his family. I love them now, but they said some pretty awful things to me in the early days and he left me to deal with it myself. I’m a big girl, but his silence always felt like agreement. It took years for that to change, for him to see the damage it did to our relationship.

I can’t tell you what to take away from these stories other than that learning to love and be a decent partner takes time and effort. That standing up against the people who have always been there in the defense of the new girlfriend is difficult for a lot of people. I’m willing to bet that his preference for text communication doesn’t just apply to you. It is possible speaking up is just hard for him, and so he doesn’t talk about heavy stuff if he can avoid it. This is just a guess though, perhaps write to him and ask about it.

I think he does care. No one would do long distance if they didn’t.