Miss You Issues: Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely. - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

This question is rather from my girlfriend but I will be the one asking. We were never physically with each other as a couple for more than 4 days. Our relationship started right before we parted to study in different colleges, literally, because I confessed the day before her flight date. Our first reunion was fall break where we met for 4 days. That was when we were actually together as a couple for the first time. We had a great time until a problem arose on the 4th day. She said she does not want to be next to me all the time. Maybe it could be because of myself, but she was sure that she was not used to being next to someone 24/7. I keep telling myself that we are a fairly new couple and not used to being in a relationship yet and that she will eventually get used to it over time. But I feel like the problem is more serious than that. She keeps telling me she misses me so much, but at the same time hates the fact of being next to someone for a long period of time. It could be that due to her independent personality, she does not like the idea of always associating with someone. We are both conflicted at this dilemma. How can you love someone you miss dearly but also be against being next to that person for long? Can you help us solve this paradox? I get that sometimes everyone needs their own free personal space and time, but I feel like this problem is more than that. And I simply just want to make the most out of our short meetings.

Thank you so much,

Paradox

Dear Paradox,

Pink has a song that perfectly sums up everything your girlfriend is going through and it will show you both that she isn’t an anomaly, it’s called Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely). I encourage you to look it up.
Beyond acknowledging that her feelings are perfectly normal and accepting her for how she is the best thing you can do is take it into consideration when planning your visits. Understand she’s going to need down time, even from you, and roll with it.

And really, if you think about it, what couple is together all day every day? Certainly not your average near-proximity couple! You get up in the morning, and if you both have similar working hours you might get twenty minutes together over breakfast. MAYBE. It’s probably more likely one of you will sleep til the absolute last minute, grabbing an apple on the way out the door and shouting “I’m late! Love you! Please buy bread!”

Then you work all day. You might have the kind of job that turns a blind eye to the occasional text here and there, but chances are you’ll be expected to work when you’re at work, so the next thing you know the end of the day is nigh. If no one works overtime or has children you might have dinner together, and peaceful conversation, but just as likely is that there will be social events with friends and a shitload of housework that you don’t know how even originated because you feel like you’re always at work, and so sometimes you’ll fall into bed without even having the chance to ask how your partner’s day was and then it starts all over again.

You’ll compete for attention against technology, friends and family, gym memberships, social clubs, personal projects, hobbies and crafts, domestic duties and the list goes on. Life during a visit is nothing like real life and so it can get overwhelming and intense no matter how much you miss each other.

Talk to each other and figure out if there is anything you can do together to satisfy your need to be close and her need for space at the same time, like engaging in a hobby or non-contact sport together. A shared experience where you’re not in each other’s faces the entire time.

This is who she is. She’s not broken. Your relationship is fine. Work with what you’ve got, as a team, without making each other feel bad and let the magic of acceptance and gratitude soothe your fears.

Dear Miss U,

I asked my crush out the other day, and he said yes. We talk every day on social network. I love him so much, and he says he loves me too. It’s my first relationship. I’ve never felt so special to someone.

The problem is I really miss him, and sometimes I cry. I try to stay strong, but I really miss him. And I can’t tell anyone in my family because I don’t really trust any of them to keep it a secret. My friends are helpful, but they don’t know what it feels like.

I knew it was going to be hard, but not this hard! Is this what it’s supposed to be like?

Please help me

– Missing

Dear Missing,

As with most things in life long distance is what you make of it. It can be distressing or it can be exciting, depending solely on your point of view. You can be sad at being physically apart or you can choose to be happy at being emotionally together. You can embrace all the wonderful things you do have together – love, mutual attraction, shared interests, a promising future, etc. – or you can let bitterness over the things you don’t yet have ruin everything; the choice is up to you.

It’s not about being strong or weak, it’s about using your mental discipline to be your own best friend (and his too). You can help yourself not feel miserable by taking the power away from the distance. Remember: You chose this. You chose him! You found someone to love, and you courted him and asked him out and now he is yours! That’s awesome. Let that empower you!

Yes, you’re going to miss him. And the more you love him, the better you get to know him and the longer you have to stay long distance the more you will miss him. I’m not going to lie to you and say it gets easier; because it doesn’t. It gets harder and harder until you can’t take it anymore. BUT you get better at it too. You build up resilience, and you learn what tools you can use to calm your mind, to communicate effectively and to circumvent the distance mentally if not physically.

I guess I would say yes, it’s supposed to be hard. Nothing worth doing is easy. But it is supposed to be fun too, and uplifting, supportive, enjoyable and inspiring. Relationships are there to help you grow and feel safe. To give you the freedom to be vulnerable and open. They make you work harder and go further than you ever thought you could. Ideally, they leave you with the sense of being loved even when you are completely by yourself and alone.

I know this is a lot to take in for a first relationship. I know it feels big – almost too big – and overwhelming at times. You feel like you can’t live without him another moment, but you can’t break up because then you’re without him forever. I get it. I chose it too, and some nights it drove me crazy. Other nights I reminded myself how lucky I was and I’d lean out the window, blowing kisses to bounce off the moon, down to him wherever he was.

Years later I learned he used to do the same thing.

Hang in there, it’s worth it.