Miss You Issues: Left Out - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My SO and I have been together almost a year and here lately we haven’t been communicating as well as we should have been. Every time I say anything he feels that I’m arguing with him.

My biggest issues are that I need to be able to talk to him and hear his voice and it’s been a really long time since he’s called me. Last time I called him he didn’t answer and texted me right back saying he was busy.

Well the busy excuse has been there for a while as well as other excuses going back to when I was living in an area that didn’t have phone service right up to him not having his ear piece and not liking to call until he gets a new one because he’s busy a lot and it’s easier for him to call when he has an ear piece.

Anyways we fight a lot about the phone calls because I feel like all the excuses are just bogus.

The other day I told him I needed a couple days to breathe and think about how to handle our communication and he finally messaged me back saying he agreed that a couples days off sounded like a good idea. I explained to him that I had already had my breathing time I was good but he needed more because he got busy and didn’t have the time to think etc.

He mentioning that he needed more breathing time broke my heart. Everyone is telling me that he’s cowardly backing out and just doesn’t want to tell me.

He insists that he loves me and he’s not leaving, he just needs his time to breathe and I just NEED to hear his voice once in a while. Why is calling so hard?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

It’s hard to know if you should just back right off and give him the chance to miss talking to you (because even though you’ve been out of communication the pressure has constantly been there) or if “everyone” is correct. I think I’m leaning toward the latter.

We are all busy. If he is too busy for you, find someone who wants to be busy with you.

There are lots of genuine reasons people might not manage to call frequently, or things outside of our control that prevent us talking for a little while, and then there are excuses. “I don’t like talking without an earpiece” is definitely an example of a bogus excuse. You know what? I didn’t like calling from my $12 headset that created an echo of all my words and only worked in one ear either, but I did it. Every damn day. Because any inconvenience was tolerable to have even a sketchy connection to my love.

If he’s too busy to do so much as think about you, I feel that’s enough of an answer. Love is not a good enough reason to let other people treat you like garbage.

Dear Miss U,

I met my SO online, and we’ve been dating for about four months now in official capacity. I really do love him; he’s always so respectful and kind to me and seeing as I have a history of abusive friendships/relationships, this is very good for me. I really do love him; we’ve both had a rough go of it, so I’m a little attached. We both are, really. But we communicate and do everything we can to keep our relationship healthy.

Now, we both have a mutual online friend. This friend is wonderful; she’s older than us, and her relationship with both of us is sisterly/motherly. And while I really do love her too, sometimes when she and my SO engage in activities on their own, or she swoops in and helps my SO when he’s having a bad time before I have a chance to do anything, I feel a little left out and hurt. I don’t want to be selfish, and I do want my SO and my friend to be happy, so I just swallow my emotions and talk to them when they’re not busy.

However, these times leave me feeling lonely and left out, especially when they occur right before he goes to bed for the night (we live on different continents, and his morning is usually when I’ve gone to sleep, and he goes to sleep in my evening). I don’t want to seem like I expect him to be at my beck and call or only talk to me because I don’t! But I also know that I should be feeling happy in a healthy relationship as well. How can I bring it up without hurting anyone’s feelings or our relationships?

Thanks in advance!

Lonely online

Dear Lonely Online,

I think the best person to bring this up with would be your partner. You can’t very well tell your friend “hey, please be less friendly to my guy,” after all. Tell him in the same way you told me, honestly and with the awareness of how it might be interpreted. Maybe even let him read your letter, as it’s very well put together.

Express to him that you’d like a better chance to help him in what small ways you are able to at a distance, and encourage him to turn to you. Beyond that, there’s not a lot you can do, and whilst these feelings are certainly natural, they aren’t helpful.

Don’t be afraid to speak up even if you know they are talking/ hanging out too. A simple “Hey can I have half an hour with you before bed?” isn’t rude and isn’t going to significantly impact their friendship in any way. You can also ask to join in too. You’re all friends! Why can’t you all hangout, instead of you waiting on the sidelines to be with one or the other?

I sense that you’re afraid of appearing jealous or controlling, and I think it’s good that you’re aware of those emotions and trying not to fall into those traps, but that shouldn’t stop you speaking up. We feel how we feel, and there isn’t any shame in saying you don’t want to feel lonely and left out anymore.