Miss You Issues: Less Than Ideal Situations - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

We have been dating for 6 Months and we live 1,000 Miles away from each other. A couple days ago he decided to end our relationship because he said I deserved to have someone to be around me on a daily basis instead of a guy who I can only see every couple months. I don’t want this relationship to end because he is the most amazing guy I have ever met despite the distance issue that we have. How do I get him to give this relationship a second chance. We broke up because of distance and what he thinks I deserve. Nothing more and nothing less. Yes I hate that we are so far away from each other but I would much rather be dating him with his characteristics over a guy that is physically accessible that isn’t him. We aren’t at a stage yet where I can move closer to him because we have only spent 10 days with each other in total. I’m completely lost and I don’t know what to do to fix this relationship, but I know I don’t want to lose him and I’m willing to do anything.

Christina

Dear Christina,

That sounds like a total cop-out to me; I would be asking for his real reason for breaking up. It’s not his place to decide what it best for you. He doesn’t have the right to choose for you – he only has the right to choose for himself. If he can not handle the distance, if he needs someone closer and wants to break up to seek that, fine. But he shouldn’t be projecting that onto you, creating a problem that isn’t there.

When I see this kind of thing, I see a red flag, a control game. It wasn’t romantic when Edward did it in Twilight and it isn’t romantic in the real world either. So tell him how you feel, tell him you’re a grown-ass woman who will decide for herself if a relationship is good for her, and then see if he’s willing to give it another shot.

And if he isn’t, don’t go believing it’s you. It’s not you. It’s got nothing to do with you. It’s him.

Good luck xx

Dear Miss U,

After meeting a number of guys on dating sites I finally met one who gets me and is not only interested in me and my work, but finds practical solutions to my work problems.

Issue is we want to meet and I come from a part of Africa where getting a visa out is really difficult, in fact I’ve been denied several times in the past and can’t risk another rejection on my passport.

Our other option is for him to come here and while our capital is safe I can’t help worrying. We’ve had a lot of kidnappings recently and foreigners are easy pickings. We also have problems with insurgencies, but that has been under check for a while.

Does my worrying make any sense? Should I let him come over if he wants to?

I’m sorry this is so long,
Thank you lots.

Worried

Dear Worried,

I would be worried too. It’s a frightening and unstable world we are living in right now, and I can only imagine how that must shape your decisions when you’re living in a place with higher-than-average kidnapping rates and insurgencies.

With that said, we can’t live in fear or those who deal in terror win. We have to live our lives as best we can. If he is willing to take the risks associated with traveling to your country I believe you should do what you can to support him. Take whatever precautions are available, of course, but live.

Dear Miss U,

my SO and I have our anniversary in august so I wanted to go visit him, but my parents won’t let me go. Last winter I went there without their permission and they didn’t speak to me for a while.

We wanted to speak about our future this summer and in my opinion you don’t do it via Skype, but they can’t understand that. We have a strong relationship and great communication!

He was here 2 years ago and it was ok, except that my parents were really unfriendly sometimes, even though they say they don’t have anything against him.

Now he’s not able to come here because everyone in his class has to absolve a placement over the summer. I also don’t want him near my parents anymore, due to their comportment.

I tried 3 times to convince my parents to let me go (last summer which went terribly wrong, last winter where I decided to go anyway because we hadn’t seen each other for over a year and now they told me that if I’ll go they won’t accept me at home anymore).

The problem of all this is 1. My granddad lives in the same village as my SO (once he insulted him due to his “race.”) 2. Visiting him means I’m acting like a whore to my family and my dad feels embarrassed. I’m currently studying and I’m trying to find a flat, but I don’t think I’ll find something in time. Talking to my parents is no option, I tried to explain myself but they don’t care.

Do you have any advice on what I could do? I can’t find a solution and I would like to see him and to talk about everything.

Helpless

Dear Helpless,

Talk to him over Skype. Yes, in an ideal world these important conversations should be done in person, but we don’t live in an ideal world and you have to go with the options available to you.

I’m sure he can understand that right now your biggest priority is to get out of the toxic environment you live in, so that you can have this relationship and make other perfectly normal lifestyle choices without the unnecessary and hurtful ridicule. Who knows, maybe he will even be able to help you, or will come up with solutions you hadn’t yet considered.

Having spoken about your future together and created a plan to get you both there will also empower and inspire you for the last few months of living with your parents.

You will have other opportunities for visits and face-to-face heart-to-hearts but the time isn’t now.