Miss You Issues: Letters of the Day - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I met my boyfriend online but he can never face time or call me because he doesn’t have enough money to keep his phone on. We talk while he’s at work and has wifi but I really want to interact more with him. I don’t want to offend him by saying I don’t believe him because I really don’t know but I’m really struggling to keep a relationship through text. How can I confront or fix this issue? I really like him and want to keep talking to him but I don’t have the patience to keep talking over just text.

What should I do?
Textlationship

Dear Textlationship,

Is it at all possible for him to Facetime from work after his shift ends? It wouldn’t be private, but it would be a step in the right direction. Failing that, I’m sure he can find a café or fast-food joint that has decent free WIFI. I’m going to sound like my mother here but: where there’s a will, there’s a way.

He can’t call you, but could you phone him?

Either way, you need to discuss this with him. I’d go with something like, “I really care about you, but I need more from a relationship than just text messages. Can we come up with a plan that will enable us to talk once a week?” which makes this about you, not about how he’s letting you down and won’t be as daunting a change as Facetiming every day might feel to him.

Dear Miss U,

I am a military girlfriend struggling to keep the long-distance relationship fresh, exciting, and interesting. My boyfriend and I have gone through so much ever since high school; in a way, we are high school sweethearts but immatureness took a toll on us and we went our separate ways for a while. We recently got back together April 14, 2016, and since then have had our fair share of ups and downs – mostly downs.

There was a time in which he just made me feel like I was being taken for granted, and when this matter was discussed, it turned out he was annoyed with the ‘I love you’ and the ‘I miss you.’ We were able to somehow manage to get through that part of our relationship but then on short notice, he decided to join the Air Force. This was super hard on me and his decision didn’t really feel like he was sad for leaving his family or me.

He graduated June 2nd, and sadly I wasn’t able to be part of that special moment due to strict parents. It’s been 6 months since I’ve physically seen him and he is to be deployed to Japan coming January. Distance has really had a toll on our relationship, we have good weeks and bad ones but it seems that recently we just don’t know what to do to pick up the slack of our routine conversations. If it wasn’t for him sometimes saying he wants to marry me, then I would feel like he’s lost interest in me. I don’t know how to make of his lack of efforts.

I read the MILSO LDR and just question myself: why can’t I have that?

Please share any insight you have.

Claudia

Dear Claudia,

It’s not that you can’t have that, it’s that he seems unwilling to provide that.

I feel that if he’s not invested enough in this relationship to discuss huge life changes like going into the military with you, and to prepare you for it over a decent amount of time, then regardless of his talk of marriage, maybe he’s still not mature enough for this relationship. I’ve come to this conclusion for a few reasons.

You mention that he got annoyed with the repetitive “love you/miss you” communications, but instead of talking through that with you and trying to find a way to improve it, he acted as though he took you for granted. On top of this, you describe the relationship as more negative than positive – more downs than ups.

Wanting to marry you doesn’t translate to wanting to do the best by you, or wanting to work hard on the relationship to make mutually beneficial changes. Marriage sounds great to most people, but sometimes the person offering marriage isn’t offering up the things that will make that marriage actually work.

I’m not trash-talking him either. I know there must be reasons why you love him and want to stand by him. Something drew you back together and you obviously both have desirable qualities. But two wonderful people aren’t always wonderful for each other, and I think that if after talking to him about this if things don’t improve – that is to say if he doesn’t join in your efforts to make this relationship interesting and fulfilling – you need to seriously consider finding someone who recognizes how dedicated, loyal, fun, and worthy you are.

Dear Miss U,

I’ve been with my boyfriend officially for 3 months and we’ve known each other for 6 months. He is literally the best person to ever come into my life; he makes me so happy. We’ve confessed our love for one another and we know that what we have is real. The long-distance thing is pretty easy most days but there are those days that I really miss him.

How do I get through a day when I can’t stop thinking about him and just feel down in the dumps because I can’t be with him at that time?

I also have a lot of outsiders (friends and family) asking me when we are going to move together, how serious is this, when are we getting married blah blah blah. I’ve asked my boyfriend a few times some of these serious questions and he either goes with what I say or blows it off.

How do I know when is the right time to talk about moving, having babies (which I don’t want), getting married, etc?

I know this all seems crazy but we both know that we are soulmates and are meant to be in just a short amount of time.

Thanks for your help!

Leah

Dear Leah,

I can’t think of a single reason why people in your life are pressuring you so early in the relationship. Soulmates or not, this early on, you barely know the guy! I want you to know that it’s ok – preferable even – to take the time to build a solid foundation for your relationship. There’s no need to rush into marriage, no matter how “old” people might think you are, or how much your “biological clock is ticking.”

With that said, as soon as possible is the best time for you to talk about not wanting to have children if you wish to remain child-free forever. That’s a pretty big thing (an empowering and awesome thing!) that you need to discuss early on in a relationship because it’s not something you can or should be compromising on. You can’t have half a baby if he wants one and you don’t!

I also think it can’t hurt to talk about moving in a general sort of way, getting a feel for when in the relationship he’ll be ready to put a plan in motion for closing the distance. It takes time to figure out who will move and what location will be best for both of you.

Marriage, on the other hand, I think those discussions can wait a bit. If marriage is important to you, make that known. If not being married in five years’ time is a deal breaker, warn him up front in case he feels about marriage the way you feel about babies. Then leave it at that. Let engagement and marriage be a natural progression in your relationship so that you know 100% he is ready and wants it as much as you do.

As for the outsiders, some curiosity is natural – they care about you and want the best for you – but if they cross the line over into pressure you need to find a firm but polite way to tell them to back off.

On the bad days, I personally cry a bit, have a nice bath with that book I’ve been dying to read and practice counting my blessings. If those things don’t work and I’m still down in the dumps missing Mr. E like crazy I send him a sappy message and go to bed early. Sometimes the only thing that turns a bad day around is a brand new day.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.