Dear Miss U,
In the past I was married. We were divorced in ’01 but 4 years ago he passed away. We were married had children together for 18 years. Since his death I have gotten close with his brother. I never felt anything more than friendship towards him. He made it clear he wanted more 3 and a half years ago now.
I decided to date him. We have a good time together. Every time we are together. Problem being his grown children and his brothers and sisters. They don’t like me so much. So much there is so much drama that he hears from them all over me. So he now ignores me. His daughter blocked my number so I can’t even call him. I can’t get him out of my mind. I’m in love with my deceased ex-husbands brother. How do I get over my heart ache. He tells me he loves me too. But can’t handle the drama. He can’t make them like me. They refuse to give me a chance. Tell him lies of me. Which he knows better. He tells me to give him time. We will be together. Wants to sneak around. I told him I wanted a man to be proud that I was in his life that would want to tell the world were together. I feel he is ashamed of me. I love him wholeheartedly. But the truth of it all is he is ashamed of me. And he has no intention for us to go any farther. How do I get over not only losing my best friend but the man who stole my heart? I miss my friend the very most. How do I go on?
Dona
Hi Dona,
It’s one thing to sneak around for a relationship, but it’s quite another to have a friendship on the down-low. Whilst it does sound like you’re not going to get an honest welcoming relationship with this man, there is no reason you couldn’t have some friendly contact on the sly. I don’t generally advocate for being friends with someone you have been or are still in love with because it’s absurdly hard to make it work and it can lead to a great deal of pain, but sometimes it is truly better than having to say goodbye completely. Nobody has the right to choose another person’s friends.
Arguably, they don’t have the right to choose another person’s lover either, but I can understand that more. I personally will not date someone my family disdains. I did it once and honestly it is never worth it. Moreover, I recognize that whomever I make my partner is invited into the family and have been in the position where I had to accept people I found abhorrent into my home because another family member had gotten close to them. It’s a decision that has fairly wide-ranging effects, as you’re experiencing the repercussions of now.
Is it fair? No. No, actually it really blows. But that doesn’t change it. Whatever your ex said about you during the divorce has stuck; loyalty can be a double edged sword. So what can you do? You are right that you deserve someone who will stand by you, someone who won’t be or act ashamed. On top of this you deserve to be welcomed into not just one person’s heart, but the hearts and homes of that person’s family too.
You can’t have these things while you’re still tied up with this man; but love is like the ocean. It ebbs and flows. It shifts and changes. It is fickle. Given enough time it makes its own change, and given enough time your heart will heal. You will learn from this experience and you will move on. You know this to be true; you have loved and shared a home and raised children and felt heartbreak and moved on before. It won’t be easy, but you can do it again.
Contact other friends and family. Spend time with them. If it is within your means, do some traveling. Take time out of your life to have new experiences and perhaps volunteer your time to a cause. Quite often helping others opens the path for healing inside us. Beyond that, take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself, be your own best friend. Vow to do at least one nice thing just for you every day, and follow through. Give time time.
You are stronger than you know.
Dear Miss U,
Actually I don’t know why I’m writing to you. Maybe because in my situation I can’t talk about it with my closest people?
I’m in LDR A for almost a year with guy who is 20 years older than me. We are good couple. We understand each other, always support each other and our communication is soo good. The thing is… He is married with toxic woman. In past he was forced to marry her. His closest family knows me. I even spoke to his mom. But he’s still with his wife. It’s hard to escape he says. Thing is I’m starting to be very jealous, ofc how can I not be jealous. I’m the other woman in his life. I’m starting to lose faith. I’m afraid. Do you have maybe any idea how can I fight with my fears? I know he loves me, and I trust him although I know that he’s with her. So from where my fears come? I’m satisfied with this relationship but still… Sometimes I cry because of him although he never hurt me.
Marlin
Dear Marlin,
It’s odd that you say he has never hurt you, he is hurting you right now! This relationship is – He is – as toxic for you as he claims his wife is to him. Your fears come from your intuition screaming at you that something isn’t right here. Ask yourself “why do I want this?” and “what am I getting from this relationship?” and don’t let “Love” be your answer. There are lots of wonderful people out there who can and will love you, and those people could give you a future. Those people haven’t already lived all their firsts. Those people aren’t lying sacks of shit. Ok, well maybe they are – but there is a chance that they are not, while you can confirm that he definitely is. His wife may very well be a horrible person, or there may just be a whole lot of history that you don’t know and he won’t tell you. Even in the event she is the worst wife to walk the planet, she is still his wife and it doesn’t remove his responsibility to act with some kind of honor in this situation. No matter how bad she is it doesn’t excuse how bad he is. He is still betraying her. Lying to her, keeping a secret from her, for months and months. What does that say about his character? What kind of person is too gutless to leave, and then strings along another innocent young woman who he can’t legally or socially be with because he’s with someone who he’s busy slandering? Someone who’s probably washing his stinky socks and making sure he has his favorite lunch to take to work as you read this.
Harsh, I know. And I know I’m not making a friend of you by calling it how I see it, but keep this letter somewhere and remember what I said so that when it comes time for you to be your own hero, when it comes time to save yourself from this, you will have something that tells you that you’re not crazy. That you’re better than this. That you can do better than him. That you are beautiful and worthy. You are WORTHY of being the only woman, not the other woman.
My best advice is to break up with him. By all means leave a channel of communication open so that in the event he becomes a decent man in future and gets a divorce he can contact you, and if you’re still interested you can give this relationship a fair chance. But for now, cut yourself loose from this dead weight. Don’t waste your life waiting on someone who won’t chase after their own happiness. If he can’t make himself happy, how can he make you happy?
Yes, it is incredibly difficult to leave a relationship with a long history. Your whole life becomes tangled with that of another person. Finances, property law, and custody of children all become a nightmare. But it can be done, and it should if that person ever wishes to move on. Don’t take his excuses, you know inside yourself what is right and what is not.
Listen to your gut, not your heart.
