Dear Miss U,
My partner works on the oil rigs and always has done, to start with this was fine as his working rota was generally 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off but he started a new rota in January working 6 weeks away and only 3 weeks at home. He took the job because it’s good money and he promised me it was only for a year and I thought I could deal with it (thinking it would feel just the same) but I find it really hard I cry most days, even when he comes home I find myself crying because I know it’s not for long and I recently found out he is planning on doing this job for 2-3 years. I really resent him for working this job so far away for so long and I’m really angry at him for changing his mind from 1 year to 2-3 years so flippantly, I feel like why didn’t I get a say in this… Should I have had a say? I find it hard to find a good time to talk to him about it, when we talk on the phone when he’s away there are usually his work mates in earshot then when he’s home, because it’s not for long I don’t want to spend that time arguing, plus I’m not sure what I would say. I know that he will always work away and I’m fine with that but this isn’t working for me just now. I don’t know what my question is, would just like to know if my points are valid? I’m a just being a big moan or do I need to discuss these things with my boy? Help.
Any advice would be appreciated, thank you! Xx
Maggie
Dear Maggie,
The good news is: You’re not a big moan.
You do need to talk to him about this though, and stop making excuses for why you can’t. If you choose to talk while he’s away, ask him to go somewhere he can talk privately, or if you’re waiting til he comes back just jump right in there. This doesn’t have to turn into a fight, but even if that’s how it plays out it’s better that you spend the time arguing but sort this issue out because every visit home you’re secretly miserable anyway. Talking about it can hardly make it worse at this point.
You do deserve a say, just as he deserves a say in your career choices – because what you do for work (as you can plainly see) does affect each other and the lifestyle you will both lead. You’re not asking him to stop working away, you’re just asking for a schedule that you can handle, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that.
Men and women tend to view their family obligations and careers differently. The ways we are socialized from a young age coupled with thousands of years of evolution have set roles that many adhere to on a deep level without realizing it. Men have a deep-seated need to provide for their family, and have a lot of ambition outside the home. They often feel like their job is their highest priority. Women on the other hand tend to put more emphasis on relationships as their way of protecting the family unit. In a way; you could say that to you the relationship IS your job – but you can’t do your job and reap that job satisfaction if he’s never around. So you want to support his job, but you need him to support yours also.
Many women would happily give up some luxuries or work more hours themselves in return for their husbands working less and having more time together, but how are men to know this if we don’t open up and communicate with them?
Tell him how this is affecting you without making him feel like “the bad guy”. Listen to each other, and make a compromise. I wish you all the best.
Dear Miss U,
My fiancé and I have been long distance for almost four years, I’m in college in Oklahoma and he is helping care for his mother in Ohio. I’m in my 4th year here at the University I attend but I still have at least two years to graduate.
His mother was diagnosed with lymphnodic cancer and the chemo has caused even more damage. She was just put in a nursing home and is now relying on hospice. My fiancé has never dealt with anything like this and he really needs me up there.
I looked into transferring but it wouldn’t work, I’ve realized that if I were to go up there to be with him through this hard time, I’d have to take a break from my classes but I’m scared to make such a huge decision. I’m usually not one to feel lost but I really don’t know what to do.
Do you think I should take a break from classes so I could be with him and give him the support he needs through this?
– EllenD
Dear EllenD,
Yes. I’m reasonably confident that you could defer for a year or find some other way to take the time off without adversely affecting your studies. College will still be there for you upon your return.
Someone dear to me told me used to tell me “There’s only one thing worse than losing a parent, and that’s losing your own child” and I have to agree with that. With that in mind, if this possibly the worst thing that will ever happen to him, you really do need to be there.
On a practical level however, it’s often hard to judge how long a cancer patient has left. Often it’s a slow terrible death (I’m assuming from your letter that her case is terminal) and ideally you would find a way to be there for him during the period directly after as well. I would take this into consideration when deciding when to leave if there is a time limit on how long you can be gone for.
Being your mother-in-law, it would likely bring him comfort in the years to come if he had the knowledge that the two most important women in his life cared for each other and knew each other.
