Dear Miss U,
I have been having a huge issue lately. And by lately I mean on and off for about 5 months. I am insanely in love with my boyfriend. We have been best friends forever and when we finally started dating it was like a fairy-tale, and it still is…most of the time. This year he moved away for school and we see each other once a month at the most, usually a month and a half. I know that’s pretty spoiled for an LDR but it’s still difficult.
Anyway, when my boyfriend went away for school, we knew long distance was the answer, it was never a question of breaking up. Just to explain, I love him so much. We are only 18 though and I have had a lot of doubts even though I love him, maybe I need to experience something else. That’s where my question comes in. There is this guy. He’s 2 years older, one of my new friends in school and way too hot for words. He has told me a million times he wants me, but I would never cheat on my boyfriend. It’s just… when things get tough it’s really hard not to fall into this other guy. I guess I don’t really have a specific question, more just wanting desperately some advice. What do I do? Help!
~ In Love and Lost
Dear ILAL,
Good on you for writing in! I think a lot of people experience these feelings in relationships, but don’t want to confront them because they are afraid of what people might think. It may have even crossed your boyfriend’s mind: What if you do stay together forever, get married and settle down? What if this is it, forever?
That’s the ideal isn’t it? That’s what most people strive to find – a life partner. “True love”. But there is that question of what you might be passing up. There is that sense of closing off a chapter of your life forever.
The way I see it, you have three options. The first one being break up with your boyfriend – which isn’t really an option at all. You’re not going to throw away something fantastic no matter how hot this other guy is because although he has that shiny new allure, you don’t know him or love him, you don’t have a history with him. He’s just the easy option. The really sexy easy option.
The second thing you could do to resolve this situation is, with as much tact as you can muster, talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that you’re head over heels in love with him, and that you can see a long dedicated future together, but that you wish you had gotten more experience in the field and you would like to explore the option of perhaps being monogamish for a short period of time. Monogamish couples kind of have their cake and eat it too. Opening up the door to your relationship by a tiny crack might be a possibility you would like to explore together, and if it isn’t or it doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped, you can always just shut that door again. I don’t recommend approaching it like this however: “Hey babe, so there’s this really hot guy I’d like to bang, what are our chances of having an open relationship?” It can be tricky ground if the subject has never come up before, but I am a firm believer that no subject should be off-limits in a relationship, just consider his feelings and your words before you bring it up.
Your third option is to cut contact with the really hot guy, or minimize the time you spend with him. Only see him in public places, and have another mutual friend with you. It’s not a great idea to keep temptation around, and an even worse idea to consume any alcohol if there’s temptation waiting in the wings. Be smart and don’t test yourself. You might have all the faith in the world in your ability to never cheat, but we can never know for sure what the actions of other people will be, and you already know he wants you. So if fooling around outside the bounds of your relationship isn’t an option, remove yourself from situations where you could make a mistake.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend is having a difficult time dealing with the distance between us. She graduated college and has a full-time job, and I’m still in college working a part time waiting job. Now, she works Monday through Friday, and since I wait tables, I mostly work weekends, so our schedules are the complete opposite. I’ve been trying to take off weekends or a Sunday here and there, but the time between seeing each other is eating at her more and more. We don’t have it nearly as bad as other people, we only live three hours away, NY and MA, but there’s just very little with our schedules to see each other. As much as it eats at me not seeing her, I’m staying strong for her, and I know that it could be much worse. What can I do to make her happy between the times we see each other? I surprise her by sending flowers and leaving cute voice mails, you know, the works, but even I’m starting to run out of ideas on how to make her happy. Her friends and mother really liked me when I met them, so they’re trying to help as well. I guess to wrap it all up, what can I do/say to make her happy and hopeful for the future? Because it really does sound like she’s having ideas on ending it, and is getting more and more upset as time goes on without seeing me.
Thank you for reading, I hope to hear from you soon.
~Joe
Dear Joe,
It sounds like you are putting in a huge effort, many young women probably felt jealous just then while reading your letter!
It is hard to keep coming up with something new and heartfelt because sometimes you reach a point where you just really need to be together. It’s not ideal, but you may have to ask her to visit you even though you’re working. Perhaps that weekend you could get shorter shifts, or one of the days off. You’ll have some hours together before or after work. You can hold each other and give her some reassurance. It will give you the chance to do at least one fun thing together which might be just enough to keep things going.
In the meantime, something you may not have tried is to buy a puzzle, find something cute and romantic, then mail it to her one or two pieces at a time. Getting something from you every day for quite a while will give her something to look forward to, and may give her the sense of working toward something together. Use it to show her that every day brings you a little closer together, every day is a step toward the future you are building together. There are businesses that will even create a puzzle out of a photo of the two of you. You could write a reason to remain hopeful on the back of each piece, or make it a secret message.
