Breaking Up, Jealousy, Distrust, & Cheating, Miss You Issues: Log Out

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been in this long distance relationship for about two weeks now. I will be living in the US for one year, while he is still back home in South Africa. We have each other’s Facebook accounts on our phones. So about two days ago I noticed that he had searched his ex-girlfriend’s timeline.

To be honest it killed me inside. I haven’t confronted him about it yet coz I just don’t know what to say or react because this has never happened before. We speak on a daily basis however he tends to read my texts and replies after hours. This has been happening all week. It is very scary because it’s still too early to be facing these challenges, that’s what I think. I love him dearly but I really don’t want myself to be fooled. I really don’t know what to do!

Please help I’m losing it.

Mivandre

Dear Mivandre,

I still have one ex I occasionally search for online. I do it in the hopes that one day I will stumble upon his obituary. If Mr. E ever saw my web history maybe he would worry for a moment too, despite there being nothing to worry about. My point is that you can’t always discern a person’s intent from their actions. Luckily, Mr. E doesn’t stumble upon anything because he trusts me enough not to feel any urge to check up on me, ever.

With that said, I’d be lying if I claimed I’d never gone through Mr. E’s stuff. There was a time I did if frequently both with and without his knowledge. In short: I was a terrible snoop. And then one day a friend said something to me that changed the way I looked at the situation:

“You are always going to find something to be upset over.”

And it’s true. Even if I didn’t find damning evidence, I would always come away upset. Mr. E didn’t fend off flirty comments enough, or didn’t point out he was taken as quickly as I’d have liked, or laughed off a comment I found hurtful… he didn’t draw lines where I thought they should be drawn. Didn’t defend me. He gave too many cyber hugs. The list goes on! And so I say to you: You will always find something to be upset over, particularly if you’re looking for upsetting things.

Let me tell you a story:

One time Mr. E wrote in his diary that he wished I’d get a job because we were seeing each other too much! I’d moved to his country only two weeks before, had no friends or family and no license, and I had already lined up a job interview, so you can imagine how God-awful that was to read. But you know what? He is entitled to his feelings and opinions, and despite how smothered he probably felt at that time with his first serious girlfriend living with him and depending on him, he never treated me unkindly. I would never have known about it – I wouldn’t have been so deeply cut that thinking about it evokes feelings of resentment and anger to this very day, if I had just minded my own damn business.

There is absolutely no reason you need to have access to each other’s Facebook accounts. Or emails. Or passwords. The thing that you need in relationships is trust – and trust isn’t about giving up your privacy and expecting your partner to do so in return. Trust is knowing that whilst your partner will always have others in their life and their own demons of the past they won’t do anything to hurt you or jeopardise their relationship with you. Trust is having faith in your partner’s integrity.

Perhaps it is time to talk to each other about what constitutes cheating in your relationship, and to reveal any insecurities each of you might be harbouring. Remember that there should be nothing you can’t talk to your partner about.

Dear Miss U,

Me and my boyfriend recently went on a break because he says he needs time to think and space. Over the past year we’ve had our ups and downs but so does every relationship. I talked to him yesterday and he began to tell me what his issues were with our relationship. He started off by saying he didn’t want to hurt my feelings (I am a very emotional person). But we don’t enjoy all of the same interest and that he doesn’t like that I baby him and he wants a more mature relationship. Then he goes on telling me that He loves me deeply and I’m an amazing girl and that it’s really just hard to make me happy when he’s not happy with where he is in life. We’re both about to turn 21 in three weeks. He depends on his parents for everything and he feels like he’s too old for that and wants better for himself (which I completely understand). He also said he doesn’t want me to sit around and wait on him because it’s really going to take some time to get himself together. I want to be there for him and I love him with all of my heart, and I don’t want our relationship to die. What should I do? And do you think we can be fixed with time?

Ayanna

Dear Ayanna,

No, I don’t think your relationship can be fixed with time.

But it can be fixed with good communication and team work. He has told you what his issues are, now it’s time for you to disclose yours if you have any and then sit down and talk about solutions together.

He doesn’t want to feel babied. Awesome. So then, what words or actions do you need to stop employing? What could you do or say instead to reaffirm who he is and the man he is trying to become? He says he needs space. Talk about what that means to him. Find a compromise. Maybe space is less texting, or not having to check in. Maybe space is less sharing lovey memes on his Facebook wall. Maybe space to him is not having to talk to anyone before breakfast. Define “space” together and find a way to meet each other’s needs and support each other.

I find when people say “don’t wait for me” it tends to be because they feel pressured and maybe have some self-esteem issues. Luckily, waiting is for noobs anyway and you’re too good to spend your life waiting. So just live! That’s easy. Set goals of your own. Do the things that make you happy and interesting.

Speaking of interests, you don’t have to have a lot of common interests. Certainly not all of your interests need to align. Your morals need to align, and your lifestyles, otherwise you’re not going to be able to cohabit, but you don’t have to enjoy all the same things. For example, Mr. E loves D&D, TV and quantum physics. I love religion, tattoos and going to the gym. For the most part when we discuss these things we both enjoy the conversation because we enjoy each other’s company. We like seeing each other animated and happy, even though D&D is truly the most boring nerdy thing on the planet. We are aware that these interests don’t overlap, however, so it’s rare he will ask me to watch TV shows with him and I generally ask my bestie to come to the tattoo parlour instead of him. It’s harder to think of things we both are interested in, and there have been times in the past we struggled with that a bit because we didn’t realise that sometimes the point is being together, not the activity. Sometimes one of you is going to have to do something you aren’t passionate about for the sake of time together too, and that’s ok. Talk to each other and find common ground. I think if you can find three shared interests you’re doing fine. Over-all this is a minor issue and not worth breaking up over and I think if you focus on the other things this will fade into the background.

If you keep in touch; focusing on positive uplifting conversations the majority of the time and helping each other grow I feel confident the love will still be there when he has found independence.