Long Distance Solutions Now

Dear Deric,

You don’t need to be engaged to have a visit, but a visit would only solve things in the short term anyway. Until you can close the distance there are a range of things you can do, in fact, there’s a list here: Things for Long Distance Couples To Do While Apart

There’s whole section on the main site dedicated to LDR activities.

My favorites personally are reading to each other (Mr. E and I still do this), falling asleep on the phone, and video calling while cooking or in the bath. Sometimes you need to take a break from electronic communication too. Exchange long letters instead of talking on the phone so much—just for a month while she recharges. Look for alternatives and be kind to each other.

Dear Scared to let go,

Is that 4 to 5 years until it’s convenient to be together? Or 4 -5 years with you making each other top priority?

Some people write to me and they have this huge wait to be together, but on closer examination, they are choosing that distance. They are waiting until life conspires to make it easy. Waiting till everything is perfect. Until they are "ready." Well, no wonder it’s taking them so long, they are treating the relationship like an afterthought.

And I get it. We’re constantly told not to drop everything for a boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s not true love. Don’t jeopardize your future for someone who might not be in it. And while that’s generally good advice, it ignores the fact there is nothing more important than people and the relationships we form with them. There isn’t anything as fulfilling or inspiring as love. And a good supportive relationship will take you further in your career and in life than you could have ever gotten alone.

So that’s where I’d start. Look at your timeline again and ask yourself what would need to change to close the distance sooner. He might have to defer study a year or you might have to work an unskilled job for a while to get the money. You might have to live together in a tiny basement flat to save money, or start eating beans instead of beef to make ends meet. You might have to ask for transfers at work or college. Almost everything is possible, so ask yourself if you’re working with what is possible or just what is preferable.

If closing the distance was your highest priority and you worked together to reach your other goals, how soon would it then be possible to move in together?

If it’s still 4 to 5 years, ask yourself what more you can be doing every day to make your relationship fulfilling right now. You can’t rely on the future to get you through; you need to love your LDR. It needs to be amazing as it is, because hope won’t be enough. Five years of Long Distance isn’t unbearable. You can do it, but you need to do it with the mindset of being blessed for what you already have, not with the idea that “it’ll be perfect when...”

I’m never going to advocate for breaking up an otherwise wonderful relationship. I don’t feel like Long Distance is a breaking-up matter. But not being able to make each other a priority, that’s a deal-breaker. Not supporting each other’s dreams? Deal-breaker. No respect? Say goodbye. See, the distance is temporary. It’s not a personality trait. Circumstances can generally be changed. Attitudes can be changed. If as people you fit together, you want similar things, your dreams are complimentary, you’re fighting for the same vision of the future, don’t give that up! If he’s your person, hold on and don’t let go!