Long Road to Japan

Dear Miss U,

I met this AMAZING guy online where I live and am from. He told me he was in the military and that he wasn’t generally looking for anything serious because he was “leaving” in a few months; he’s going to Japan for 3 years! That was fine for me at first because I wasn't looking for anything too serious at the moment either as I was somewhat healing from my last relationship. I felt comfortable enough to get back out there finally and see what’s there though.

We matched online and the conversation started flowing, began texting the next day, and haven’t stopped talking every day since we met. It’s like we didn’t expect to click so well and we both found that we are extremely attracted to each other; physically, intellectually and etc. We hung out a few weeks after we started talking every day and ended up spending 2 days/nights together lol 🙂

After that, we liked each other even more and he consistently kept communication flowing every day. Then we hung out a few weeks later again and spent 1 night with each other but it wasn’t supposed to be the last.
I didn’t get to spend any more time before he left to his hometown before deploying to Japan.

He leaves soon but I’m just bummed about the situation. We still talk as if we are in a relationship and he wants to maintain communication overseas over time. There are no pressures from either of us on each other either. But we have established that we like each other VERY much and ultimately want to make it work in the long run. How do we go about this?

Ugh

Dear Ugh,

It can be rough when life messes without our plans, huh?

How to make a long distance relationship of three or more years work long term isn’t something I can teach you in the span of one letter, but I can give you a jumping-off point.

That neither of you is putting pressure on the other is a great sign. I can’t guess what level of communication you’ll have while he is in Japan, my military experience is zilch, but that’s something to discuss either before he goes or in the first few weeks there, once he knows what to expect. Managing a time difference is also going to take flexibility. You might need to get up earlier or move your lunch break to line up with his availability to talk. If you both make the relationship a priority, you cherish your contact and look forward to it, you’ll make it work.

Along with being flexible and understanding, you need to keep it fun. Again, I don’t know how much freedom he’s likely to have, but I’m sure there will be some form of leisure or hobby activity you can share, even if it’s just hashing over fan theories for your favorite show.

At such an early point in the relationship, your focus should be getting to know each other. Which sounds like nothing, but it is actually a complex thing! Over the next couple of years you will see how he reacts to stress; whether he supports your dreams, whether he remembers your big events and is invested in your life or not; you’ll talk plenty about the future, so you both know what you’re signing up for. This is a great time to get a thick book of questions for couples and work your way through it. Let this romance be a slow burn. Let yourselves enjoy the journey.

And most importantly, check your attitude. Your inner-monologue will define your LDR experience. If you’re looking at your connection with gratitude you will have a much easier time of it then if you’re feeling sorry for yourself and obsessing over the slow passage of days.

I would also recommend joining a support group, and/or the long distance relationship forum here. Make friends with other LD or military couples; people who understand what you’re going through and will validate your experience. Spend your time with (online is fine) people who will lift you up.

Amazing partners can and do still make your world a brighter place, even if they are an ocean away.

Dear Miss U, I met my boyfriend in Japan when I traveled there in October. It was love at first sight and I spent five amazing weeks with him! I had to go back home to Canada though, and it has been a month since I have seen him. The first few weeks were fine, but about a week and a half ago I began having so many random doubts and worries. Questions began running through my mind and I doubted if I even loved him. Suddenly his texts and picture messages didn’t cheer me up anymore. I felt horrible because I know in my heart I love him, but everything just felt different… [read more: Feeling Disconnected]
Dear Miss U, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 10 months. After being together for about 7 months he found out he was getting deployed for 9 months. When he first left we talked all the time and FaceTimed. As of recently, he started doing online classes and I work a lot. Now, when we do get a chance to talk, we bicker a lot and argue. As time goes by we try to not let little things bother us but it is becoming a reoccurring issue and I feel as though he has his life over there and I mine. It feels like we are both trying and we are still in this rut. I’m worried this distance will tear us apart and I’m not sure what to do anymore… [read more: That Military Man]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.