Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I started dating in high school, and have been going strong for nearly two years now. We have a really great relationship. He went off to college just 5 months after we began dating. We decided an LDR was what we needed to do, because neither of us wanted to ever break up with each other. We see each other for major holidays and over spring and summer break, but with him in college and me a Junior in high school, it gets tough sometimes. We just visited for a week over Christmas break, and we are both having a lot of trouble coping with the distance. With no major holidays in upcoming months, we have nothing to look forward to. He is 6 hours away, so we can’t visit on the weekends or anything. It seems like as he and I get closer, it gets harder to deal with the distance. We both know that we will deal with the distance to be able to be together when we are done with our schooling, but both of us want to feel better when we are apart. How can we be more connected when we are apart? And how can we feel better about the distance?
Kaity
Dear Kaity,
After having done it for an extended period of time, it’s understandable that couples just want the distance to be over. It feels like it’s gone on forever – like it will go on forever. It also becomes more and more challenging to keep things interesting and fun. To keep that feeling of connectedness and fun thriving, I suggest you brain storm a list of things to do to fill in the next few months. Think of the sweet things you secretly wish he’d do for you, and then do it for him – even if at first you think it’s too girly and he won’t go for it. Contrary to popular belief, guys have feelings too and a lot of them appreciate things that are traditionally feminine, as long as you’re not doing it in front of his mates on footy night!
Just a couple of ideas could be – declare a month of love (Maybe February?) and during that month flood him with small things that make him smile and feel loved, even if they are a little cheesy. Send him something in the mail at least once a week for that month – a card, post card, your thong, heart shaped candy, a lipstick kiss on a piece of cardboard that smells like your perfume – Quick, easy and cheap gestures that don’t take time or effort on his part but create small points of contact. Follow that through with a love quote every evening and a couple of creative photos (For example, write “I love you in…” on your hand and take photos of your hand next to signs, so it reads “I love you in.. KFC” “I love you in Tennessee” etc) and by the end of the month he’ll feel soaked in admiration and will likely want to reciprocate.
Choose another month to plan a surprise visit. I know you said six hours is too far, but really if you make the trip late on a Friday night and leave on a Sunday you could get quite a bit of time together in, and it could very well be the thing that gets you both through. Or you could plan together to take a dirty weekend, and meet half way.
You could start making him something, a scarf, quilt, scrapbook, piece of art or whatever that will chew up some of your free time so that you have a way to put your energy into the relationship on the days you can’t seem to make time for each other.
Staying involved in each other’s lives also helps. When you buy birthday cards for your friends and family, put his name in there with yours, and remember the important event of his friends and family so that you can connect with them too. Remember his exam dates so you can wish him luck or send a motivational text. Buy him a “lucky” tie for his interviews, or “lucky” socks for sports games. The smallest things can create points of contact between you. If you try a new type of tea, for example, send him a bag with a small note “I’m drinking this tonight, join me”.
I’m not sure there is a way to feel good about the distance itself, unless you love lots of personal space, but you can make your relationship so active and fulfilling that the distance seems to shrink.
Take the opportunity to do some cheesy romantic stuff, because there are things that just aren’t half as effective in a near-proximity relationship. Make the best out of it, wring every last drop of fun out of it and plan well so that once the distance is over, it’s gone for good!
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend has lived with me 80% and the rest at home. She wants to move in but isn’t ready. We fought over travel abroad to London and I asked her not to go. She says she loves me and everything will be fine but needs space to miss me. She’s lied to me about this trip for a long time saying she wasn’t going and just left yesterday. We are the couple everyone admires and wants to be like when we fight its bad. Her parents only see us in the fights… They’ve been trying to get rid of me forever and because she was leaving went extra hard. Took her car key so she couldn’t see me and didn’t allow me to drive with them to the airport. I went anyway I had to see her. I feel like she never sticks up for me and never fights for me when that’s all I do for her. I never make her jealous and when we fight I say things like we are over but then always take her back. She told me even though she won’t she feels like she could do anything and I’d take her back. I want her to take space but feel like since she’s over there it won’t have the same effect as here and we haven’t had the time to discuss how we would work. I don’t want to not talk to her but I want her to miss me and us and our life together. She was weird at the airport probably because she was nervous but even as I reassured her she wasn’t listening and then when I called her she was talking to someone buying something and not giving me attention. She kept rushing me saying her parents want to see her too. Help!!
Zach
Dear Zach,
I’m going to be honest here because that’s what I’m here to do. Read your letter back to yourself, and pretend someone else wrote it. Remove yourself from the situation a bit and you will clearly see that you are coming across as controlling, over bearing and not just a little bit creepy. I recommend you back off and start listening to your girlfriend. She’s telling you she needs space, because you appear to be very pushy and so full-on. She needs time and room to just be herself and has clearly told you she is not ready for this relationship to progress further at this point. Slow down and back off.
Her parents are probably acting the way they are towards you to protect their daughter, because all they see are the bad parts of the relationship. They see a young man who is near obsessive, who doesn’t respect their daughter’s desire to travel, develop her own personality and enjoy her youth.
You mentioned that not only did you go and see your girlfriend off at the airport (and it’s understandable that you want to, I’m all for that) but you called her as well – and are offended and hurt that she was busy and wanted to spend time with her parents. Of course she is going to want time to say a proper goodbye to her family! That’s something to be encouraged, not annoyed at. No one in any relationship you have in this life is going to give you all of their attention every time you want it. It’s neither possible or healthy.
Take this time to do some work on yourself, be less available – give her time to miss you and to appreciate your dedication rather than being all in her face and suffocating her otherwise you will find she learns only to take you for granted, and resentment will build on both sides.
Also, it would benefit you to learn to argue more effectively. Don’t threaten to break up if you want the relationship to survive – that needlessly causes pain, and doesn’t solve anything. Your goal isn’t supposed to be to control her – to keep her in line by threatening to leave or breaking up as punishment when she does something you don’t like. The goal is to reach a compromise where you can both be happy, whilst having given enough ground to keep things fair.
