Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months since February 1, 2014, we met online, and we already met 4 times personally.
I am a single mom, I have a 2 year old daughter, though I’m already working, I’m studying law and I’m at my 4th year, he wants us to be together now, he wants me to transfer to his place, but I thought, to do that meaning I would have to stop my studies and look for another job.
My dream is to graduate and become a lawyer.. And that would take 1 year more… but it seems that he doesn’t know if he can wait for me anymore, what should I do? Please help, I love him so much.
– 1st time LDR
Hey First-timer!
If he can’t wait anymore, I would consider that his problem, not yours. If he can’t wait anymore then it’s on his shoulders to do something about it. If he wants the distance closed right now then he should be the one to make the sacrifices to have it happen.
I’m sorry if that seems harsh, but the facts are: You have a daughter that you need to be able to protect and provide for. You have a long-term commitment that goes back a lot further than your relationship. You have hopes and dreams, and now you have worked hard and those goals are within reach. Meanwhile this is a very new relationship and I would be wary of anyone who wanted me to uproot my life within six months of having met them. It’s also good to remember than in a relationship of equals – in a fair and healthy relationship – your dreams matter as much to him as his own (and vice-versa of course!). Love wants you to succeed. Love doesn’t threaten to leave if you don’t drop everything right this moment for it. Love is patient. Love will wait.
By all means, avoid signing up for anything that would increase the length of time you will be apart and plan to close the distance as soon as reasonably possible, but don’t give up everything you’ve worked hard for, for someone who doesn’t care about your future enough to support you rather than pressuring you.
A year isn’t an unreasonable length of time to ask someone to wait for you. A year is hard, but nowhere near impossible. If he can not wait a year to support you in something that means this much to you then likely he’s not going to be able to support you in other much harder endeavors, such as parenting.
All you can do is talk to him; reiterate how important your career is to you and that you have a responsibility to your daughter and yourself (as well as him and any future children you might have) to be able to provide financial security. A fulfilling career is also a cornerstone of human well-being which you have a right to enjoy. I understand that you love him but sacrificing everything you’ve worked for because you love him is more foolish than romantic; don’t do it.
Dear Miss U,
I’m an Asian and I’ve been talking to this western guy for over a year now. He said he likes me and I like him too. We haven’t met each other yet but we already labeled our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. We met each other from a dating site and we both decided to end our subscription there because we already saw each other. He already told me about his plans of visiting me and wanting me to come over to his place. He told me stories about his friends, families, job and stuff.
What I don’t understand is why it’s taking him too long to come over? And we didn’t even Skype yet but we chat every day. I’m afraid he’s just playing games on me but I feel he’s sincere. To be honest as bf/gf we haven’t even talked about sex yet and romance. I don’t understand if he’s interested or not or he’s just being respectful to me and I appreciate that but somehow I want to feel that he wants me too. And just recently, I learned that he had been talking to a girl on and off for 3 years now from the same country where I’m at. But he said they were friends.
I wanna know if he is interested on me. Is it ok for me to wait or to just let go? I’m getting hurt because I’m already attached to him. I don’t really know how to ask him about the real score between us.
Please help.
Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
I think you need to just come out with it and ask him these questions. I want you to know that it’s perfectly acceptable to do so – encouraged even. There shouldn’t be anything you can’t talk about, if this man is going to be your life-partner.
Start by asking him straight out to install Skype and video call you. Don’t hint. Hinting is the nemesis of a good relationship. Try, “Hey, I installed Skype today because I think it will help our relationship feel more real, here’s the link so you can get it too and we can try it out!” Be aware that Skype can also be used from a smart phone or tablet so, “I’m not on a computer,” isn’t an acceptable excuse. It’s not safe and never recommended to meet someone in person from the internet whose face you’ve never seen in real time. Photos can be faked. For your own safety always insist on meeting someone on camera before you meet them in person.
It’s ok for you to wait as long as you are happy to continue doing so. There is no rule about when you have to reach relationship milestones such as web-caming, meeting in person or even getting engaged. But if you are going to do any of it, you need to be able to talk about it.
