I've been in a really close and nurturing relationship for almost five years now. Some of it LDR, some of it half-LDR (15 days in my city and 15 in his.) For a few glorious months, we lived together. Then, his mother had to come live with him, and I had to go there less. Now I can’t consider it my house anymore. It was when our time together ended that I understood how much I want to live together.
Now, months have passed. We fight a lot when we're far, and we're far basically all the time. We’ve grown distant.
Now that I know the sweet taste of living together, being in a LDR doesn’t satisfy me anymore. It hurts a lot to lose those days, and I have started to wish that we could just break up now and get back together in two years (that’s when we'll be able to close the distance), but who knows what's going to happen in two years?
I want to stay in this relationship, it's really special, I can’t think of my future with anyone else and nor does he. But it also hurts a lot. How I can I keep going? How can I survive all this pain for two years?
Ripping Apart
Dear Ripping,
First up, let’s examine this thing with his mother. Why do you need to go there less because his mother is there? If it’s just a small place and three makes it crowded, I get that, but if there are problems between you two, that’s another thing entirely. I never advocate staying in a relationship with a person if you hate their family, because those people will become your in laws. They will become a sizeable part of your life, particularly if they are close emotionally (and seeming she lives with him, chances are they’re close.) So think about this for a while, and ask yourself how it’s all going to go as you get older. Does your partner advocate for you, or are you secondary to his family? Is she still going to be there in two years when you close the distance? If yes, it’s a good idea you both get comfortable with each other now.
Beyond that, I know exactly what you mean. It’s hard. LDR is no walk in the park anyway, but when you’ve lived together it feels like taking a hundred steps backwards. I get it. The thing is, a relationship’s progress is measured in the heart. In the depth of your intimacy and the strength of your connection. Emotionally you’re still at Living Together, even if physically that’s not possible just now, so keep that in mind.
The number one thing you can do to survive an LDR is to make it fun. Put the same, or greater, effort into the time you spend together via technology as you would together in person. Make your time special. Make your online dates something you look forward to. If you’re laughing together, getting sexy together, sharing hobbies, and generally making the most of your lives, there is less chance for the pain to creep in. Yeah, hanging up or logging off is always going to twang your heart strings. Going solo at parties and family events can really suck, even if you know your love is just a text away. But overall, aim to make your relationship great in spite of its challenges.
Two years seems like forever, but every day is a step closer. You can do it, and believe me, two years apart is better than a lifetime of wondering “what if.”
It seems like no guys are interested in me.
GG
Dear GG,
You’ve listed your partner (significant other) as being 27, and you’ve been dating two years. That indicates to me that SOMEONE is interested in you, and has been for at least two years! How many more guys do you really need?
Seriously though, just be you. Be the best version of you that you can be, and as long as you’re actually talking to other humans, the person best suited to you will be drawn in by your you-ness. Traveling, attending events (especially solo) and being involved in the communities that share your interests will put you in contact with guys who like what you like. Yes, even if you like My Little Pony. There’s someone out there for you.
But you know what, you’re 18. You’re at the beginning of your awesome adult life. If Mr. 27 listed on your form isn’t interested enough, say goodbye and go backpacking. Get yourself a visa and travel the world, working whatever jobs you can, and having amazing experiences while no one is tying you down.
Relationships are great, but the most important one is the relationship you have with yourself.
Go be awesome!
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