Dear Miss U,
I have been dating my boyfriend from Canada for 3 years. For a while we have been wanting to meet in real life, but we don’t have the time and money right now, that and my boyfriend has to finish college first. We both have a strong bond and we love each other and I don’t want to leave him and I want to see how well it can work in real life. But I don’t know how much longer we have to be in a LDR for, because I want us to be a thing in real life. How long will we have to wait until we meet?
Shiny Distance
Dear Shiny Distance,
Meeting doesn’t just happen. You have to make it happen. For a meeting to come to pass it has to be a priority for one of you (or both.) You have to make the money and the time, you have to put in the effort. Given the information you have provided me, I predict you will meet three days after never, because it isn’t a goal you are actively working towards and the chances the universe is going to just line all your ducks up for you is pretty slim.
To make this dream a reality, you need a plan. I don’t know why your boyfriend needs to finish college first (they do get holidays, don’t they?) or how long that will take, but you can use his graduation date as a guide. Just pick a rough date around then; this is your flying out date. (You haven’t said where you are from, I’m guessing you’re international.) Now, find the date on your calendar six weeks before your flying out date. This is the date you will book your flights. This is the date by which you need to have made enough money to pay for said flight. Have a look on some travel websites and get a feel for the average cost of a round trip between your two homes, and know that if you intend to travel at a peak season (eg Christmas) it will cost you a lot more. Delay your trip to avoid this period, if necessary.
Now that you know roughly how much traveling will cost you, it is time to divide that figure between the number of weeks/months until your booking date. This number tells you how much money you need to save per week or month to cover the cost of your flight.
Of course, if you can’t stay with your significant other for whatever reason, you’ll need to add the cost of accommodation to that figure, which isn’t fun. Consider friends or family who might be willing to put up a visitor (some people are keen to go out of their way for love, even if it isn’t their own) or looking into backpacker hostels to bring your costs down. Talk about which one of you can travel for cheaper, and discuss pooling your resources to make a visit happen if need be.
If you clearly don’t have the money to make it happen, then you need to secure some kind of income and follow these steps from that point.
It’s in your hands.
Dear Miss U,
My fiancé started distancing himself from me this month. Up to now everything was perfect and we’d skype call every day, and texts as much as possible. Then suddenly the I love yous got short and so did I miss yous. When I ask to cam, he’ll ask why, and when I call him, he’ll purposely ignore my call. What should I do? I visited him back in Dec ’13 and he proposed the night before I had to come back home Jan 8 ’14. He still says he loves me and is sad to lose me, but he doesn’t know what he wants. Could this be it?
Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
There’s obviously a problem, but unless he actually communicates what it is, you and I can only rely off guesswork and that’s not the best strategy.
Is there something happening in his everyday life that might be putting a lot of stress on him and making him withdraw? Has there been a set-back in your plans to close the distance, or a recently canceled visit? Do you have a visit planned for the future?
It is possible that he’s just fed up with the distance and is to the point where he needs more. He might feel frustrated, overwhelmed or depressed.
The best you can do is say “I know you’re unhappy. I know something is wrong. Let’s sit down together and figure out a better plan.” If he won’t work with you, there’s not a whole lot you can do to help him.
