Miss You Issues: Making New Friends - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I’ve been reading your columns for advice and I realize I’m in need of advice. You see, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years and we’re not doing so well. He lives 14 hours away and he’s working part time while I’m studying in my country. At first, communication was fine and we talk for quite a long while but as time went by, we slowly stop talking. He wasn’t working when we first started out but now he’s working to the point of exhaustion. Messages became a weekly thing. And sometimes I don’t even get up to a sentence before he leaves and not reply for at least another week. So I was wondering, what should I do? Should I break up? Should I ask him to focus on work first? I understand his circumstances for doing so but I still can’t help but feel distant. I had quite a few bad relationship to know where this is going but I still wish to trust him and have faith. Thank you Miss U for your advice.

Rabbit

Dear Rabbit,

You don’t need to tell him to focus on work; he already is focusing on work to the exclusion of all else; (or at least, you.) What you do need to tell him is that without communication, without somehow nurturing the bond between you, there isn’t a relationship in anything but name. You can call each other girlfriend/boyfriend all you like, but if he isn’t actually filling that role in any capacity then what’s the point?

Kindly but directly tell him that if he can’t find a little work / life balance that actually includes you, then you will have no choice but to dissolve the relationship. There’s the option of remaining friends; his lack of time for you doesn’t mean you can’t trust him or that he’s somehow a bad person, even if it makes a relationship impossible to maintain at this point. But there’s no way a weekly message – or half message – could be coming close to meeting your needs. There’s nothing wrong with asking for more, or for letting go and looking for someone willing to make time for you.

Remind him too that contact doesn’t have to be in real time. That’s not always possible with long work hours and time differences; it’s understandable. But there’s no reason he can’t respond to messages later, or send an email even if he knows you’re asleep, or Dropbox you a video telling you all the things he wished he could have said over the phone earlier.
We make time for the things and people who are important to us.

I want you to always feel important to your SO, whoever that person happens to be.

Dear Miss U,

In the coming year I am planning on moving to the other side of the country. (New Zealand is 2 separate islands, North and South Island) I will be moving from one to the other to be with my boyfriend. I am so excited to be FINALLY living with him and starting out our lives together but I feel worried that it’s going to be hard for me to make new friends as he will be the only person I know living there. I don’t want to intrude and make friends with all of his friends as we probably have different interests and they may not even like me.

I’ve talked to my partner about this and he’s given me some advice but I’m still really terrified of moving from my small town that I’ve lived in my entire life to a big city… Please give me some advice if you can. I would very much appreciate it.

Worried in NZ

Dear Worried Kiwi,

Making friends isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but as long as you are leaving the house a few times a week it is bound to happen. You’ll meet people at work, or through study, at the gym or the park and at gatherings for whatever hobbies or interests you have. You can make friends through meetup.com too, they have events in loads of NZ cities. You might even make friends with your neighbors. (Don’t laugh, I met my best mate through small talk in a communal laundry room!)

Its common (and not at all alarming) to make friends through your partner’s friends, and advisable to be friends with his friends where possible. Just think, if you stay with this guy forever you are likely to spend quite a bit of time around his mates, and him around yours. There will be birthdays, dinner parties, game nights, double dates and later on rites of passages (marriages, births, religious observances, and deaths) that they will be a part of. You’ll want to be on good terms with them because these are the guys that have his back during boy’s night out. These are the people he will turn to for advice about his relationship. These are the people who might end up crashed on your couch for a month after they get divorced or who might drive you to that all important interview when your car has a flat and your boyfriend is in Mexico.

I get that you don’t want to intrude and that’s great. I’m sure there’s lots of things they do together that you won’t care for, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put in an effort to be on good terms with them or that you will have nothing in common. They are friends with the same guy you are, chances are there is common ground, and through them common ground with their partners too.

My advice is to see if you can make a few acquaintances online before you go, and to throw yourself into life once you are there. Let it be known you don’t have a lot of friends in the area and you would enjoy having people to spend time with and remember too that some of your time can and should be dedicated to the people you have left behind. Get on the phone and call them! They don’t stop being your support network just because you’re not in town anymore.