Masturbate, it’s great!

Dear Confused as usual,

It doesn’t sound crazy or hopeless to me! Yeah I’m biased because I met Mr. E when I was not much older than you (I was newly 17) and now we’re happily married with three kids, but yeah, not crazy at all.

Yes, it’s normal that it hurts. It’s normal to have some days where the missing and hoping and loving absolutely paralyzes you. Sadly, it’s also normal for LDRs to get more difficult as they progress because the weight of all that waiting and missing can build up. You get better at managing your LDR and functioning in life, and you’ll have less days where you can’t function properly, but the ache inside just gets bigger and bigger. But that’s a good thing! It motivates us. It makes the visa applications and the saving money when you really want to blow it all on a day with your mates, and the scary unknowable future easier to overcome. It gives you the drive you will need to close the distance.

Couples without that ache get complacent. They fall into the trap of thinking the universe will conspire to put them together, but it won’t. That pain will remind you both to plan ahead. To choose careers and courses of study and jobs and even hobbies that will enable you to be closer together as soon as possible. The ache will remind you to make each other a priority – because if you don’t, that pain won’t go away.

It seems counter-intuitive, but I think it’s a positive thing that you aren’t officially dating. You have a lot of years in front of you before you can close the distance, so a nice long courtship will fill that void. Build up the friendship part of your relationship. Enjoy the sweet agony of will we/won’t we. Flirt with each other. See where it goes without pushing and rushing and worrying about where you are in the game of life. Heck, you might even find you date other people here and there. If that happens, write to me again, but know for now that even that isn’t necessarily the end of your love story. When you start this young you have to learn and grow and have experiences all while connected to another human. That’s not easy. It takes flexibility and fortitude.

I definitely think it can work. I’m nothing special, and it worked for me! All boyfriends are, in my opinion, are best friends that you also get to flirt with. Mr. E is still my best friend, but now he also takes out the trash. So just be honest with each other. Take it slow and enjoy the ride. Talk about everything. Explore yourselves and the world together through your conversations. Keep it interesting and don’t kill the beauty of what you have under a mountain of pressure, let it grow.

You’ve got this. Even if you can’t visit. Even if you’re still kids. Even if you can’t always talk in real-time (old people like me would email or write a letter instead!) Have a little faith in yourselves.

Dear Will,

Your English is way better than my French, you’re doing great!

You are not asking too much. We enter into romantic relationships to have needs met. This relationship is not meeting your needs. That’s a problem worth fixing.

Too many cultures don’t realize men need emotional support too. Some people think men don’t have feelings! Very stupid but true. Remind her again that you do have feelings, and you need her to nurture them more.

And then (this is the important part) tell her how! Give her ideas to help support you. Tell her exactly what you need, even give examples of things she could say.

I know this seems silly and you’ll feel weird, but love is not like a movie, our partners don’t know how to love us properly until we teach them how. Having a partner who remembers what you need and cares enough about you to learn what you tell them is even more romantic than a partner who magically knows what to say and do. So don’t feel weird, give her options to work with.

As to sex, I’m all for couples having sex together via the internet. There are so many options! Phone sex is a good way to learn more about each other and what you like in a sexual partner. Sexual needs are important. It’s okay to gently introduce some of these things to her and try them out for fun (don’t send photos of your dick, most women are not interested in seeing the business end!) But start with talking about sex. Look up questions to ask if it makes it easier. Talk about experiences and fantasies and your bodies. It will be difficult if you are shy, but you have all the time in the world. Including sex in your LDR helps it feel less stagnant. Less boring.

With that said, get rid of the idea that she is responsible for your sexual needs. She isn’t. No partner is. Even when you get married and live in the same house, you will still masturbate. There isn’t a reality where two people are always horny and available at the same time. It doesn’t happen. Sex can be great for bonding and making new humans and getting exercise, but it can also be draining and time consuming and painful. Sometimes you might just want pleasure without putting effort into her pleasure. Sometimes you will want to be selfish. So get used to the idea of masturbating within a relationship. We all have to be able to take care of our own sexual needs, rather than burdening our partner with them.

Go to her with the intent of bringing her pleasure. When you’re thinking of your pleasure, go to yourself.

To put it another way, whenever you go to her sexually, make it about her. She will naturally make her actions about your pleasure. If you are both there to make each other feel good and have fun, your sex life will thrive. If you are going to her because you are horny, that will end in resentment.

I’ve been the person with the higher libido, and it’s frustrating. I get it. Sometimes our partners don’t want pleasure and they don’t know why we need it so often! Sometimes they can be seduced, and sometimes we get to open our toyboxes. It’s all good! It’s all about your attitude.

Talk to her about all your feelings. Then go buy yourself a new sex toy, you deserve it.