Catfishing, Lies & Scams, Miss You Issues, Sex and Intimacy: Men Can't Go Without Sex

Dear Miss U,

Have an invite on Facebook. Accepted and it turned out to be my soul mate. But he indicate he have financial problems to finish his contract and are unable to meet me. The problems are now dragging feet for 9 months. You see all this scams going on in life. His contract is on an oil rig. So he cannot send photos like everybody does, neither can he contact me via Skype. I only have to rely on the photo’s he sends. There is a few and one includes his daughter.

What can I do to see if he is for real?

Troubled love

Dear Troubled love,

Don’t send him any money. Generally, if you are talking to a scam artist, that’s all they want and when they don’t get it they move on to other prey. Beyond that, be patient and trust your instincts. If something feels off, or something he says raises red flags, don’t ignore the things your gut is trying to tell you. He won’t be on the rig forever. When his contact finally ends he will likely be keen to video call you.

Key things to watch out for are controlling or jealous behaviors, asking for money, using guilt or blackmail etc. If he makes you feel bad when he doesn’t get what he wants, then it is likely he isn’t “for real.”

It might take time for you to know for sure. Just go with it, have fun, and don’t give out information that could be used to harm you or access your personal accounts.

Dear Miss U,

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 years now. Engaged for 4 of them. This was me coming out of a 38 year marriage. Even though I know he is not involved in cheating I don’t understand why in the last 6 months or more when he comes home which is every weekend he never wants sex. I have asked but he says he has no desire and doesn’t know why but it has nothing to do with me. Now he is diabetic with high blood pressure and was just diagnosed with diabetes around 6 months ago and is blaming his health for the reason. I think that there is no way a man can go without sex for that long. What is your opinion on this?

Double L

Dear LL,

Despite what society pushes us to believe, men are surprisingly similar to women. Both men and women can and do go through extended periods where they do not desire sex for whatever reason.

I’m not a doctor, and don’t have a background in medicine, but I know from experience that men with diabetes can suffer erectile dysfunction too. It has to do with damage to the circulatory system. If he’s having trouble getting or maintaining an erection that might destroy his confidence and in turn his libido. Or he might just feel too sick and tired to care about sex. It happens to men, just as it happens to women. Changes in diet, sleep patterns and levels of exercise also effect the libido; as does stress.

Unfortunately, while society is busy telling women that men want sex all the time, it is busy telling men that women only exist for their sexual needs and we have very few of our own, which of course is also not true. If you haven’t already, you need to very gently discuss how his lack of libido affects you and remind him that you have needs too. Together you can find a way to address that, as well as finding other avenues to connect with each other and nurture the intimacy between you.

As embarrassed as he might feel, it’s likely he will need to see his doctor about his lack of libido if it is to improve.

My opinion is that this isn’t about you. It affects you, yes, but you are a bystander. Do what you can to support him, remind him that you love him; are attracted to him and make it clear you find him plenty manly with or without intercourse.