Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 5 months. He recently informed me that his parents are splitting up, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to comfort him. We Skype, but as is obvious, Skype isn’t exactly the same as physically being there. As I’m only 14, I don’t exactly have enough money to go visit him. What should I do?
– Miles Don’t Matter
Dear Miles,
Sometimes even if you’re together in person there is very little you can do. This, I believe, is one of those times. Make sure he knows that you’re there to listen and that you’re not going to pass judgement on his family at all, no matter what he confides. Let him know that you understand it’s a traumatic time for everyone involved, and remind him that his parents break-up in no way reflects their love for him. Their relationships with him as individuals won’t necessarily have to change, and both his parents still love him more than anything. Their breakup is not about him, so make sure he isn’t blaming himself for it.
When parents divorce, it can shake their children’s sense of security. They can start thinking things like “If my parent’s marriage can’t survive, then my relationships won’t be successful either,” which isn’t rational, but it’s perfectly normal. If he starts saying things like that, remind him that you’re not his parents and that you can learn together from their experiences to strengthen your own relationship.
Taking the focus off what’s happening at home can be helpful, he might prefer to do something fun with you rather than to focus on his family situation. Ask him how he’s feeling and if there have been any new developments, and then if it’s appropriate try to lighten the mood. Become a safe place that he can shelter in; because he will need someone stable at this time.
Just be yourself, be considerate and be there for support. I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job already.
Dear Miss U,
My significant other and I have been together for a year in a LDR and keep talking about a life together. I may end up having to move for a promotion for work when this happened my partner suggested we live together. Since then he has become severely unhappy with his work and despite saying he wants to transfer companies and move up to me, he doesn’t. I’ve become an almost non existent priority to him lately and it just feels like he’s saying “I can’t wait to move and live with you” simply because it’s what I want to hear. He’s always angry and taking it out on me. My family have noticed the change in my mood lately and have come to the conclusion that if he’s not making me happy I need to end it now. My mother is dead set against him now. She said that if I’m always having to initiate things with him and he’s still not committing to plans to see me then I need to move on. I really love him, he’s made me so happy but lately it’s as though he’s become a different person. No matter how supportive and caring I try to be, I’m always getting in his bad books. I’ve been so down lately and nothing I can say seems to cheer him up. It’s draining me. Should I stay and try to keep working things out or is it too late for that?
– Torn in two
Dear Torn,
I generally only consider it too late in the following situation: If he went back to his normal caring self and started to make a genuine effort for the relationship tomorrow but you would be too angry and resentful to forgive him or your feelings were otherwise so damaged that the relationship could not recover. In other words; will it be a case of “too little, too late?”
If you are not ready to throw in the towel, you need to let him know your thoughts. I like to encourage doing this through writing if both of you have decent literary skills, because it stops him being able to interrupt you and makes sure you get everything you think and feel onto the table. Of course, if he doesn’t want to work with you on the issue there’s nothing more you can do, but you can at least give him this chance. So write to him. Tell him how you feel and provide examples of how the relationship has changed and instances where he has been needlessly cruel to you. Try to use “I feel…” statements rather than “You do…”
For example, say this:
“I feel emotionally drained by the lack of positive interaction between us. I feel unappreciated because even though I’m trying really hard I’m not succeeding in making life better for us, and so I need your help. I want to make our relationship fun again, can we work together right now to find ways we can both contribute more to our mutual happiness?”
Not this:
“You are always angry at me and don’t appreciate anything I do. You only tell me things I want to hear and don’t follow through on anything you say.”
Let him know, gently, that you can’t continue on like this much longer and that you do expect to see some improvement.
At the end of the day his happiness is his concern. If his job makes him so unhappy that he can not live a normal life outside of work hours, he needs to be pro-active and do something to remedy the situation. However, he might not realize how bad things have gotten until you point them out (or until he loses you, as is sadly the case in many relationships) so communicate with him.
We are all inconsiderate jerks occasionally, and work stress is a great trigger for that, but it isn’t your place to suffer through it for weeks at a time.
As to outside pressure, I’m all for listening to your parents and the other people who spend a great deal of time around you; often they see things about our own relationships that we do not. They generally have your best interests at heart and just want to see you happy. I’m sure he could eventually redeem himself in your mothers eyes if he stopped making you suffer; so for the mean time thank her for her support and opinion. Let her know she is valued even if to her it doesn’t look like you’re doing what is best for yourself.
Overall, it does look a lot like you might have to cut your losses on this one, but before you do make sure you have done all that was in your power to save the relationship first, without wasting too much time. That way you give him a fair chance and you don’t leave the relationship with regrets or what if’s.
