Dear Miss U,
I am having a few small issues. My LDGF of several years is nervous of meeting, part of her wishes it for the most, but part of her is terrified. She lives in England and I live in the US but I am studying abroad in England starting this September. This May, we planned a visit to see each other before hand, and now I am also visiting to scope out universities. The thing is she’s still scared, I hoped as we got closer she’d overwhelmingly be more excited over being more nervous. I don’t know how to articulate that I’m not a danger or will harm her, if that makes sense. She was abused at a young age and abandoned by her family, so she has many trust issues that we’ve been getting over one by one .She’s also a very independent woman, and is a fighter rather than a talker. I’d be fine if she isn’t ready as of yet, but I don’t know how to cope living in the same country without seeing each other, or how to tell her it’s going to be safe and sound? Anything helps. I just don’t know if I’m rushing it.
Pondering in Kentucky
Dear Pondering,
Considering that the number one killer of women happens to be men (while the number one killer of men is heart disease) I don’t find her caution terribly surprising. It can be hard not to let fear dictate our decisions. When you do meet, encourage her to bring a friend, and meet in a safe public place. Put a time limit on that first encounter to take the pressure off and ask her if there’s anything else you can do to make her more comfortable with this next step of your relationship.
I don’t feel that you are rushing it. The end goal of all LDRs is to one day be together, and sometimes we do need encouragement to do the big scary things or we live dull lives full of regrets. Continue to be sensitive to her needs; you can’t really tell her that you won’t hurt her as anyone can say that but given enough time you can show her.
Dear Miss U,
I’ve never been in a LDR before, but me and my s/o are dating for almost an year now. We met in person first, we had 3 dates and they were fast because he was working at the time, his kind of work didn’t allow us to spend more time together. When we met he was in my country working (he is a cruise ship employee). After this we talked about trying a LDR till we could meet again and know more of each other’s lives, countries, families etc. At the time I was not working, but months later I got a public job with a nice salary, which in my country is something “successful.” I feel open to move from my country as far as I can have nice opportunities at his country too. He just affirmed he doesn’t have the intention to stay in my country, so I feel insecure about our choice between the 2 countries. He feels he won’t have too many opportunities here because he didn’t progress too much on studies etc, and I have 2 bachelors degrees and he says I can go well at his country. So, what is the best way to make a decision that can be good for both of us, so that none of us can feel frustrated? It is a stressful subject for us sometimes. We are aware of all these obstacles, but I don’t want to feel hurt that he doesn’t choose my country and don’t want to hurt him because I can’t or don’t think it is the best to choose his country… But I am very eager to know his place! (I’m from Brasil and he is from Mauritius). Thank you very much!!!
Latina
Dear Latina,
Sometimes the choice that seems the most logical still isn’t the best choice. You’ve mentioned careers, but what about everything else?
What about the people in your lives? What about the standard of living in each place? Are both countries equally safe?
Personally, I know very little about his industry, but I would think that if he has a job that requires a lot of travel and living at sea then it makes more sense to be based in your country so that when he’s gone you still have your support network around you.
My advice is to look at achieving long-term harmony rather than to focus on what is easier to achieve. If it is at all possible I recommend you each having a turn living (not just visiting) in each other’s countries as this will give you both a better idea about how things will pan out in the long term.
For example, the logical solution to my own long distance seemed to be that I should move to my partner’s country. The cost of living there is so much lower, he has a bigger family and friends he went to kindergarten with. He had an education and I didn’t, and many other things we thought mattered more than they did. So I moved. And I was miserable.
Everything there was spread out and public transport was such a joke it was impossible to get around without a car – and I couldn’t drive. We rarely actually saw his family, even though they were nearby, and though his friends became mine too none of them shared interests with me. I longed for my family and the spiritual ties I have to my homeland.
The sensible thing for us actually turned out to be the wrong choice. We’ve since moved to my country, and though he said he’d never live here, he’s happy. Inexplicably, he got better work here than at home and he rarely gets homesick. I of course am also much happier because as much as I wanted to live in his country it’s the kind of place I love to visit, not live. Sometimes you just don’t know until you try.
What I am confident of however is that if you move – for him and only him – knowing he would never do the same for you, that’s a recipe for resentment. He needs to be open to moving if something goes wrong or if it simply isn’t working. You both need to have the sense that things are fair.
It is a big decision. Give yourselves the grace to take your time and always remember you’re on the same team working toward the same goals; you are not opponents.
