Dear Miss U,
My s/o and I have been together for 4 years and we recently started a LDR. It is not ideal for us and it’s the first LDR for both of us.
I love to be shown love in the way of those “little things” I get giddy and it makes me extremely happy. It’s also one of my favorite things to do for my s/o. Since we are apart, (I’m in CT, he’s in GA) I want to make sure we still show each other that we are thinking of one another. Simply talking on the phone or video chat is not enough for me. I want to have something to look forward to, whether it’s on a regular basis, weekly, bi weekly etc. I’m worried if I put in the effort to still do those little things that I will not receive the same in return. I’m worried I’ll get “I’m too busy, or I forgot” etc. I do have anxiety and that’s usually what causes these thoughts. So how do I communicate with him what I want and him not feel like it’s a chore to do those little extras, whatever he choose them to be?
We didn’t have enough time to go over anything before he left as it was very unexpected. He left the first week of January and will not be back until July. We are unsure on how much we will be able to see each other. Expenses are right on my end and he wants to save as much as possible to come back here in July. He just started a new job and requesting time off so soon after starting may look bad. We would like to see each other 3 times whole he’s away.
Too much/too little? Help.
Turn up the heat
Dear TUTH,
I’m a firm believe that the little things shouldn’t stop, under any circumstance. People need to feel loved and appreciated and those little things mean the world. I would recommend continuing to do them for him, and making sure he knows you notice his efforts in return. If he isn’t doing any of the “little things” then try “I miss how when we first started dating you would , can you surprise me with that again from time to time, please? It makes me feel wonderful.”
Whilst I understand anxiety and fear of rejection the only way you can have a long lasting, completely fulfilling relationship is if you clearly communicate your needs and wants, so this is a fear you’re going to have to face. It might open up a good opportunity for you to discuss this anxiety with him too so he will better know how to support you.
Three visits sounds like an awful lot to me, but then it depends how long the visits are too. If they are just a weekend, that’s not so much at all. To me the long term plan is paramount. If a visit now will stop you closing the distance in six months, it’s better to just push through without seeing each other, whereas if his return date is the same regardless you should see each other as much as possible. It sounds like your resources are limited, so perhaps finding something to do together at a distance might be a better investment. Skype dates don’t have to just be talking, after all.
Dear Miss U,
He lives in America and I live in the UK. We really want to be together but we’re not really sure how to go about it, all the legal stuff is confusing you know? He wants to move here and stay with me, we’ve been looking up what we need but it’s all just kind of confusing. We just want to be together, I didn’t think it would be this hard. I was hoping you might know what to do or have some advice?
Karla
Dear Karla,
I understand all too well how confusing and plain daunting the visa process is, but I can tell you from experience that you can do it. It is not insurmountable.
One of the big things governments look at is finances. They want to be 100% sure that the new person moving to the country is going to work hard and pay a lot of tax rather than ending up on benefits, so start saving. The bigger your savings the better. Aim for him to be able to prove he could live in your country unemployed for six months. That final figure will vary depending on the cost of living where you are, but it’s likely to be an impressive sum. Don’t despair. Having a lot of savings never hurts you anyway.
The next thing they care about is that your relationship is genuine. You have to prove this. Different countries want different types of proof. Some want chat transcripts, others want photos… they all tend to ask for dates, so write down when things happen. When did you start talking online? When did you commit to each other? When did you meet in person? What dates were all your visits? Etc. Keep everything that might be potentially useful too, until you know for sure you won’t need it. Ticket stubs, love letters, mail addressed to both of you, invites as a couple to weddings or other events, Christmas cards from his family to yours or vice versa.
Having bought large items together or having both names on a bill or tenancy agreement really helps. Open a bank account together, even if there isn’t much in there. Get both your names put on your phone bill, or P.O Box, or something.
Realize that your visa journey is likely to be a long one. A couple of years at best. You might even decide to live together on a working holiday visa for a while so you can build up more proof (and money) before filing for permanent residency.
As with any large task, write a big list of all the small things you will need to get done before you can submit your visa application and then tackle them one at a time. It isn’t so terrifying once it is broken down into simple steps such as “get copies of birth certificates” “go for medical” “get background check” “print bank statements.”
Finally, use the immigration website for your information, not people. Immigration laws change all the time, and vary between countries. The rules between Canada and New Zealand, for example, are vastly different than the rules between Canada and America. If something on the immigration website doesn’t make sense there is usually a phone number you can call to get clarification.
International long distance isn’t for the faint of heart, but it is truly worth it.
