Dear Miss U,
So I’ve been with this guy for about 4 months, but after one month he broke up with me and I had no idea why. Two weeks of us “just being friends” goes by and he confesses that he broke it off because of guilt. He had cheated (actually had sex with another girl). And blamed it on temptation. Myself being a 15 year old virgin in another state, I was devastated. But we talked it through and decided to forget it ever happened. So now we’re acting as though he never cheated and we’ve been together the entire four months. But I’m scared it will happen again. I want to trust him, it’s just… I know there are girls there that are far more attractive than I am. But he swears he wants to be with me, that he wants this relationship to work and to eventually meet me… I just need to know if I should trust his words.
~ Help Me Please!
Dear HMP,
“Temptation” has got to be one of the lamest excuses in the book. There is always going to be temptation. Even if you stay together ten years, are living together and having sex every other night both of you will face temptation. That hot available work mate, that friend who’s always made it clear they’d like a bit more than friendship, that drunken night out on the town… Temptation and opportunity to cheat are lurking around every corner, for everyone, every day. The idea of fidelity is to be able to turn a blind eye to those temptations, to say no and walk away if one of those temptations approaches you outright. He needs to realize this. And if he’s not strong enough to turn away, then he needs to find a non-monogamous relationship for himself.
Having said that, two things stand in favor of this still working 1) it was very early in your relationship, before a point where I would consider it “serious” and 2) he broke up with you rather than having an ongoing affair and he came to you and confessed.
We all make mistakes, and love is always a risk. So yes, trust him, but remember that a second chance is just that – the second try. There are no second second chances.
Dear Miss U,
We met at work (him bartender, me chef) After 1 1/2 years dating we moved in together and were very happy! Neither of us had ever been in a relationship that had made us feel so fulfilled or gone so smoothly. We got very good at living together and taking care of each other. In his line of work there are lots of skill competitions sponsored by liquor companies every year. He participated often and I was always his #1 supporter. Prizes ranged from bragging rights to cash to trips. One he entered last year though rewarded him with a job. It was a 1 yr. contract with the co. and would involve lots of traveling and promoting. It was a great opportunity for him, we were both excited! We always thought of it as temporary so we never bothered coming up with a LD ‘game plan’, we also didn’t really know how much travel to expect. In the end he was gone nearly 75% of the year! He’d be gone for weeks with intermittent breaks back home. It was a lot more than I’d expected. I was happy when it ended, but then they offered him another year! He took it after we discussed it (I felt I had no right to say no as it’s a great career opportunity). He’s become used to (and even enjoys) the traveling, but I never have. Since we didn’t plan the first year well, we’ve developed a distance between us. Our communication is suffering and I’m afraid of what this year will do to us. We still ‘live’ together but he’s never here. How do we repair the distance? How do I adjust from 100% of his time to 25%?
~ Frustrated Frannie
Dear Frannie,
You need to talk to him. Tell him what you told me.
Many people feel they have no say in their partner’s occupation, but I strongly disagree. Your career affects him, and his (as you’ve noticed) affects you. In a dramatic way. His career choice is spilling over into your lifestyle and the way you conduct your relationship. It is never too late to re-access things and put a ‘game plan’ in place. Be honest with how you feel and seek a compromise. You have every right to do so.
Perhaps something can be arranged where you could travel with him occasionally or some other compromise can be reached. Remember that you are a team and that he loves you.
Dear Miss U,
I’m glad that I have bumped into your website.
Today, I sent him a message that I could not take it any longer. I’m fed up and sick and tired of our LDR. The distance is killing me and the fact that we can only do so little to bridge the gap irritates me. Well… we see each other at least once a month, but the long wait in between is like torture.
I guess his inability to communicate regularly made things worse. I tried to discuss these things with him, but he just kept on justifying that he’s not really the type who would communicate very often. And the cycle goes on. Also, he says that for as long as I know that he loves me, I should be in peace. I believe knowing isn’t enough. I need to feel it…
For countless times, I had thought of breaking up with him. But, I love him so much… I know he loves me too, but I just can’t see him exerting effort to prove it.
So, I told him today that I cannot take this anymore. He just said he misses me. I did not reply.
Shall I break up with him for good? Am I just being a selfish brat? What should I do? Please enlighten me. I am so confused.
~ Anj
Dear Anj
If you truly cannot take it anymore, yet cannot close the distance; if he will not give you the level of communication to have the basic need of feeling love fulfilled, then unfortunately there is no other choice. If your relationship can not move forward, and it’s not worth it as it is; all you can do is leave. He has told you plainly you will not get more from him, sadly.
But, only you know if you are being reasonable. Visits once a month are good, most people in long distance relationships don’t see each other so often. How often is he communicating? How much communication are you needing? If you’re expecting to text all day and then talk for an hour or more every night, yes you might be being a brat. But if you’re asking for a call every second day, (or even every day) and the occasional love letter / flowers / out of the blue gift then no, I don’t think you’re asking too much at all. He should want to hear from you and be involved in your life. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re doing this LDR alone. Trust yourself.
