My boyfriend and I are in a new LDR. He is abroad for a month and then after that, he will be living 6 hours away from me. I found out that before he left to go abroad he cheated on me. He begged for my forgiveness and told me it was the biggest mistake of his life etc. I love him and I see a future with him and decided to give him a second chance. Now, he’s telling me he thinks he cheated because he’s scared of the LDR and has doubts. He’s afraid of being unhappy and just putting up with it because we love each other. He is feeling hopeless even though I’m planning on moving closer to him within the year. All of a sudden he doesn’t believe in us. He’s pulling away from me and I don't know if I should give him space. He hasn’t broken up with me yet and still tells me he loves me every day but that’s about all he’s saying. I love him and want to make this work but I realized I’ve been trying to convince him that we’re worth it and I might be drowning him and pushing him further away. Should I give him space or will that only make things worse in this situation?
Dealing with distance
Dear Dealing with distance,
The only person who can tell you what he needs is him. This is a conversation you need to have with your boyfriend. Ask him if he needs space.
Now, I’m all for second chances. I don’t think that cheating is the absolute worst thing that can happen in a relationship, and personally, it’s not a deal-breaker. With that said, I find his excuse a bit flimsy. “I’m worried about what might happen, so I’m going to go do something horrible to damage my relationship before we even have an issue.” And then, instead of putting in an actual effort to make things better, he pulls away? What exactly is he hoping to achieve, I wonder? Is this how he deals with all the obstacles in his life?
This is also something you need to discuss together before you uproot your whole life and move to him. What does he want, and just as importantly, what is he willing to give up to get it? A year isn’t a long time to have an LDR. Even if he was miserable the whole time, (which he only will be if he chooses to make himself so, LDR is largely mind over matter) why isn’t a forever with you not worth a year of hardship? Nothing comes to us without hard work, and that includes lasting relationships.
I get that the relationship itself is fairly young, and maybe he doesn’t feel like he knows you deeply enough to make solid plans for the future. Maybe he is just scared of commitment, and he needs to know that’s okay. It’s normal. What’s not okay is him taking that out on you.
Your whole letter is about him, but he is only half of the relationship. What about you? Your wants, your needs? In what way is he showing he cares about how his move affects you? In what way is he supporting you? What are you getting out of this, other than heartache?
I wish you all the best, and I hope your talks result in a stronger, more unified relationship. You’re worth it.
My amazing other half and I have had a year of bliss. He literally is my world and in 5 days he is moving away to live with his mother and study at university for 3 years.
My question is how do you cope with the initial separation?
I am trying to be supportive of him but every time we talk about him leaving I just start crying. We have made plans to video call and have game nights but I have never been in a long distance relationship before and I really want to make this work.
Please help me think of a better coping mechanism than just ignoring the fact he is leaving.
From E.B.
Dear E.B.,
The initial separation is always hardest for the person left behind. The leaver has a new life to set up, people to visit with, networking to be done, and a whole range of other things, but the stayer just has a giant hole in their lives they need to fill.
I recommend filling your schedule for the first few weeks. Catch up with friends and family you don’t often see, take yourself out to a movie, pick up a project to immerse yourself in. Find something that will occupy your time and your mind.
It’s really great you already have a Skype and gaming routine set up. That’s key. You know when you’ll see his face and hear his voice again, and you both know from this that the relationship is a priority.
It’s also ok to be sad. You’re allowed to grieve this change! LDR can be awesome, but it’s still a big change with new and daunting challenges. Give yourself the grace to be upset over it, and give yourself time to work through all the feelings as well. That’s nothing wrong with being human!
It is very much possible to be happy for our loved ones but sad for ourselves at the same time!
With that said, sometimes ignoring the distance is a great coping mechanism. After all, the distance shouldn’t be your focus, the relationship should be. He is your focus, he is what you care about, not the miles; so instead of saying, “I wish you were here,” try, “I’m so happy to hear your voice tonight.” Instead of “the distance is so hard,” say, “Loving you makes everything easier.”
You’ve got this.
In kindness,
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