Dear Miss U,
Me and my SO have been together for 12 months. Travelling back and forth to visit each other every other month. The goal was that he will move here within 1-2 years. That keeps being pushed forward a bit, and that’s ok because I don’t want to rush it. I asked him if he still wanted to move here last time he was visiting. The answer was I don’t know. He is worried that we won’t get along in the long term. He says we haven’t really experienced what daily life together over a longer period of time will be like. We usually visit each other for ten days but once I visited him for three weeks. We have agreed that I will come visit him again, but now the goal seems to have changed to taking it one meet at a time. I love him and really want this to work out. I don’t know how to solve this, how to help him see how it would be living together more than three weeks with all the stuff everyday life brings. Any suggestions?
Vicki
Dear Vicki,
No matter how long you visit for, or he visits for, it’s never going to be the same as living together. Everyday life is tested by both people working or studying, maintaining a home together, dividing the household duties, maintaining lives outside the relationship including hobbies and friendships; and the list goes on. In an international relationship generally I would recommend a trial move of six months to a year, but in a domestic long distance relationship I honestly can’t see the point in that because there are no visa hoops to jump through, no culture shock etc.
Thus I suggest talking to him about just doing it. Because you’re not going to know until you try, so what good is waiting and wasting time? Make sure there is a back-up plan if it doesn’t work out, enough money so that you aren’t stranded together if it all falls apart. Be smart about it, but plan it and then follow through when circumstances permit.
On the topic of compatibility, while you’ll never know for sure until you do it, deep conversation can cover a lot of that ground for you, as long as you are both honest about your needs and faults. Ask him what problems he can foresee and what is making him hesitate and then talk through those scenarios together. How would you handle or react to different situations? You can also share more of your everyday life with each other now. Look at each other’s routines, can you see how his life would mesh with yours? What might the clashes be? What possible compromises could fix those prospective snags? Talk about it. The more you communicate with each other and the more he thinks about it, the less apprehensive he should become.
Dear Miss U,
I am currently studying in the US, while my boyfriend reminds in the UK. We have it all planned out that he will be coming to visit me on 3rd May, and we will be traveling for 4 weeks before we return to the UK together. I am half way through my time away and have 9 more weeks until we will be reunited but the distance is being to take its toll. Over past week or two things have been getting really hard we kept arguing over the slightest thing and we are clearly both unhappy. I love him to bits there is no doubt about that but there has been some trust doubts. Life was perfect before I moved away and we have a perfect life planned for the future from may onwards. I just don’t know how to get through these next few weeks, it is killing me. We both agree that our relationships feels on hold and we don’t know what to do. It doesn’t help that I am not really enjoying my time here without the relationship issues. Any advice?
UK-US
Dear UK-US,
At times like these I’m an advocate of grand gestures. Something a bit special and out-of-the-blue can give a relationship that little kick it needs to make it to the finish line. I would look up a florist in his hometown and order a gift basket (or flowers, some guys are man enough to appreciate them) for him. It’s extravagant, unexpected, and sure to bring a smile to his face.
It’s hard in a situation like this, because someone has to make the effort to pull both people through – but both people tend to want that person to be their partner. Let it be you, and have fun with it. Bring the focus back to how you feel about each other, rather than how you feel about the distance. The distance is not your relationship; it is a small factor of your relationship, nothing more. Don’t give it power to destroy what you have.
Some people have great success with countdowns, they find that motivates them. If you’re that kind of person, making an advent calendar might be the way to go.
When you’re talking to each other, pay attention to how you feel. If you start feeling irritated, ask yourself why. Is it actually him, or are you just annoyed at life and he is the little spark that’s setting off your dynamite? If it’s you, and you know it’s you, warn him that you’re a little flammable right now so that he can tone down any tasteless jokes or whatever other habit he has that he knows irritates you. Everyone has irritating habits. For example, Mr. E knows that sometimes I find his sense of humour inane to the point where it’s painful. Not because he is being any different from the day before when the same thing would have had me in hysterics, but because I’m stressed or tired and not reacting like I usually would. His ability to recognise when he is exasperating has probably saved our relationship a hundred times over. If both of you can learn the self-perceptiveness to know your bad habits, and can understand your partner enough to know when to reign it in (or at least not get offended if they ask you to) those skills will take you far.
Sometimes it might be best to end the conversation early, while on a good note, than to let it deteriorate. You can also lower the stress in your own life by actively managing it through your hobbies, leisure activities, meditation and exercise.
Most of all I want you to know you can do this. It’s not far now. Keep looking toward the future, knowing each day apart is one day you never have to live through again.
