My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for almost 2 years. He is in Australia and I am in the US. We broke up last December for 8 months (due to him not seeing a true future because of the distance) and got back together this July (because we never truly got over one another). After we got back together, we were both so excited for the future and have even talked about marriage and kids. I am graduating college this December and had originally decided to move to Australia for 6 months while figuring my life out so that way we could have some genuine time together to build our relationships further. However, he came to visit a few weeks ago and I woke up one morning questioning everything. Now I don't know if I even want to be with him at all. If I don't move this December then we won't be able to be together long-term for at least 3 years and that seems like a huge commitment to make. How do I make such a big decision when we've only spent about 3 months together in person?
Megan
Dear Megan,
Can relate. I think this depends a lot on the quality of the communication you have had at a distance. Random story: When I was meeting Mr. E in person for the first time, my housemate was like, “You’re paying 2 grand in tickets just to find out if this guy is good in bed.” Which I thought was a bit of an arsehole thing to say, but you know what? It was more or less true, because during that visit I quickly learned that Mr. E was exactly the person he’d appeared to be online. From quirks to humor to annoying habits, the man was exactly who he said he’d be. I already knew and loved him. So essentially I was just seeing if we were compatible physically.
Being completely honest with yourself, how well do you know your boyfriend? How much does it matter that you haven’t spent all that much time together physically, when a relationship is largely an emotional/mental beast? Are these your concerns, or did they arise from someone else’s comments? Are you worried because he has given you cause to worry, or are you worried because you think you should be?
Some of this is going to be bias because I’m Australian, but it’s a beautiful country, who the heck wouldn’t want to live here for six months, boyfriend or not? That’s a great opportunity, and it looks good on your resume if you can say you’ve lived and worked abroad. If you’re worried about not having spent enough time in person, spending six months in Australia is a fantastic way to reconcile that. A working holiday visa (I imagine that’s what you’d come in under) isn’t a promise of forever. If it doesn’t work out you’ve had a cool holiday and gained some life experience, no big deal. It will also look good on your family visa application if you do decide to move here permanently because the government does want to know that you’re serious and your relationship is going to last.
Have emergency money squirreled away in case the relationship falls apart and you need to leave in a hurry, then just do it.
About the questioning, that’s normal. Mr. E moved to Australia to marry me six years ago and I still sometimes give him the side-eye and wonder “Do I even know you?” “Do I know what love is?” “Will we make it?” and that’s because emotions are fluid. They ebb and they flow. Sometimes we love each other so much it hurts, and sometimes I think I could be married to anyone and be just as happy. No one is blissful all the time. It isn’t all wonder and lust and excitement. But those of us who have relationships that last are those who choose to do so. We choose to fall in love again and again with that one person, growing with them as they grow. When you get to that stage where breaking up stops being an option, everything becomes much clearer. But to get there you probably need to give near-proximity a decent chance.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
To start, my boyfriend left our apartment in May with a note telling me his parents wanted him home. He called me that day and told me how sorry he was and promised he would come home soon. Every day until July 5th, he would tell me that he would be home that day and then would never actually show.
On July 5th, he came home saying it was for good, but his parents called two days later and said they needed his help, that something bad has happened and he has been gone since [Oct. 27th].
Every day for the past two months, he would call me at night and text me throughout the day, always promising he would come back that day.
This past month [October] has gotten bad though. Recently, his parents have begun taking his phone at night so he can't call me and I receive maybe three short texts during the day if I'm lucky. His parents' reasoning for taking his phone is because he doesn't pay for it - which is understandable, but he's told them multiple times he wants to come back here so he can get a job (his parents live in a town of 300) and they're dead set on preventing it. Without his phone, we can't talk or have conversations about any of this.
In the entire 6 months, I've seen him three times, for less than a day each. I have anxiety and can manage it pretty well, but have had bad experiences with LDRs in the past. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up, however, it's starting to feel like it isn't a relationship anymore. I'm not sure what to do.
Sleepless and confused
Dear Sleepless and Confused,
Run! That’s all I can think. Run!
This dude doesn’t respect you enough to have a conversation with you before he leaves town. You were living together, and he couldn’t wait until he saw you to say, “There’s been a family emergency”?
No. I’m sorry, that’s not acceptable. You don’t have to put up with that.
Then he lies to you every day for weeks, saying he’ll be home today. Even if you didn’t have anxiety, no one should think it’s okay to mess with your head like that. To get your hopes up and destroy them day after day.
I can’t help but think whatever his parents are going through can’t be that bad if he’s sure he can come back (repeatedly). If it were bad, like an injury he has to nurse someone through, he would be able to give a time frame, and he’d likely have days off to come see you, so this just sounds completely bogus. I’m left to assume his parents either don’t like you or can’t cope with their baby being an adult, and he doesn’t have the guts to stand up to them and say, “I have a life and a partner waiting for me at home. I love you, I’ll phone you, bye.”
If you’re dead-set on giving him another chance wait until he texts you and call him immediately, so you know he has his phone on him, and tell him outright that this isn’t a relationship. He can either come home and have a relationship with you (wherein you can discuss care for his parents if they actually need it) or he can come back and get his crap out of your apartment so you can move on. Don’t wait for his mummy and daddy to let him use his phone, you call him and you settle this like an adult.
At this point I don’t feel like he deserves the extra chance, but you love him and maybe he’s just making a dumb mistake and doesn’t have enough relationship experience to realize. Enlighten him. You’re not a toy, you deserve respect and a partner who can be relied on. As much as it hurts, promise me, and yourself, that you’re not going to put up with this anymore.
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