I have been dating my army boyfriend for about 2 weeks now and I'm just confused. We talked for a little bit before we started dating. He contacted me first and tried for a while for me to finally go out with him. We went to the same high school but never talked, so I knew him only a little beforehand. The first week of our relationship was good: we talked about every night, he was engaged in our conversation, but now he is kind of dying off. As of now, he is in South Korea and I am in Texas. He is 15 hours ahead. I don't know if he's into me anymore, if he just really busy, or if I'm just in my head about it all. I just see a change in how he talks to me and it's just hard to have good communication because of the time difference. Any advice would help and I would like to know if this relationship is worth continuing.
Thank you,
Bailey
Dear Bailey,
You’re overthinking this.
Love, particularly shiny new love, is not supposed to be this big stressful thing. Right now you hardly know the dude! You’ve got years and years ahead of you to question everything, and to try and get a communication schedule happening, and to be all serious and committed and meeting the parents. Right now, let that shit go. For now, just get to know the guy, and let him get to know you! You might not talk every day. Some conversations might just be fun, while others are deep and meaningful. It’s ok.
With a big time difference, it’s key that you’re both alright with having some contact that isn’t in real time. People these days are so caught up in getting a response right away. Instant messages. But no relationship needs that pressure. Remember that while the message sends instantly, we’re not obligated to look at it and reply instantly. It’s perfectly fine to send messages that don’t need a response too. Sometimes one of you will have time to read, but not a whole lot of time to write back. That’s not offensive, that’s just life.
My advice is to chill out a bit. Worry is like a rocking horse, it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
As to whether the relationship is worth continuing, why wouldn’t it be? That doesn’t make sense to me. Unless there’s a huge incompatibility, like he’s stealing from old ladies to feed a bad habit, or one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, there’s no reason not to sit back and enjoy the ride. See where it goes.
My partner and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs and the latest down is the line between personal space and communicating (I don’t know if I explained that correctly). What I’m getting at is, simply, I have no friends. And my SO does. I’m starting to feel like I’m "smothering" them by texting or being annoyed if they don’t answer or if they don’t pick up a facetime call and it’s like I feel like I’m being annoying and clingy because of my lack of friendships or even "life." I hate this feeling and I know it's ruining my relationship. It wasn’t always like this; in fact, I could even argue it was balanced. Currently, I’m on a break for college and I work from home.
How do I work this out?
Tickling Mya
Dear Tickling Mya,
The best person to ask about this is your SO. Maybe they actually like all the extra time and attention you’re giving them! Maybe they feel bad they can’t be there for you more. Likely they realize this is a temporary flood. But talk to them anyway. Tell them you hate feeling like you’re being annoying. Tell them that you realize you’re putting the burden of your need for human contact on their shoulders and that you’re trying not to strain the relationship. And, because you need a bit more from them while you get through this stage, tell them that too. Thank them for being awesome and supportive, instead of assuming there’s something wrong with you and the way you’re doing things because really, there isn’t.
Periods of our lives go like this. I remember snooping through Mr. E’s diary once. I’d only lived in his country for two weeks, gave up everything to move there, and his diary said, “We see each other too much. I wish she’d get a job.” It didn’t mean he didn’t love me, and we’re still together nine odd years later, but it goes to show everyone can get too much of a good thing. Needy, clingy patches happen. It’s not the end of the world or the end of your relationship.
With that said, things you can do include not talking to/ messaging him during your work hours. You might work from home (as do I) but you’re still at work. Keep your work mindset, and leave your personal stuff until you knock off for the day.
You can message or phone someone else. Call your mum, if you’re lucky enough to still have her. Call a sibling or a friend you’ve been neglecting. Message that mate who always seems to be on Facebook, even though you’re not really that close. Make friends online who share the same hobby you do, or look for fandoms related to your favorite book or TV series. Find other humans to talk to!
Beyond that, you can leave the house, even when you don’t need to. If you have a laptop, you can work at the library, café or park to mix it up a bit. Do you know anyone else who works from home? Perhaps you can work side by side one day a week.
Lastly, remember this is temporary, and it’s ok to need a little extra love. Talk to your partner, and be kind to yourself.
In kindness,
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