Not a Silly Question

Dear Hope,

Either it’s normal, or we can be weird together. Sometimes we forget that we’re not just studying for our future career and learning how to maintain a romance long-term, we’re also getting to know ourselves too. And that’s a constant thing. You’ll still be figuring yourself out at 30 and 40 and 50 because we’re complex individuals who learn and grow all the time.

I recommend keeping a mood tracker for a couple of months. Record how you feel in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Perhaps record what you spent most of the day doing. Make yourself a key with colors and symbols, so when you look over the information you collect you’ll be able to see any patterns. For example, when I did this I learned that I’m more anxious when I hang around certain people. I’m more insecure the week before my period, and the week of I’m tired and angry. I’m usually happy on Monday and exhausted by Thursday. Mornings and evenings are great, afternoons are shit.

What do you do with this information? You might choose to move your daily call with your partner to the time of day you have more energy. Or you might figure out that you’re happier on days you go to the gym, so you’ll do that more. You might realize you’re always tired, and that when you prioritize sleep, the world doesn’t seem so bad. But you can’t make changes until you have the information. You can find lots of examples of mood trackers (and other trackers) on Instagram or if you don’t have time to draw one up you can get printable trackers off Etsy.

Beyond that, be honest. With him and with yourself. It’s okay to say “stress is making me grumpy, I’m sorry if I get snappy.” It’s okay to ask your partner for consideration and support. And you don’t have to beat yourself up over it either. You’re human, it’s fine to act like a human!

When completely illogical thoughts come your way, counter them. You already know he wants to be with you, you don’t have to listen to your insecurities. Remind yourself how much you are loved. It is hard to not torture yourself, we’re often taught to lower our own self-worth and not to be too proud or too loud or too needy or too much, but that’s all bullshit. You don’t have to listen to that. You know you’re awesome. You know you’re a great girlfriend. You’re testing your limits with all the stuff going on in your life, but things change all the time, it won’t always be like this. Talk yourself down, like you would your best friend. Speak to yourself with the kindness you give everyone else.