Miss You Issues: Not Happily Ever After - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My current husband and I were in a LDR for a year and a half, during which time I went to live abroad. We got married last year and he came to live in my country.

When I met him I told him that I would be moving soon and he expressed a wish to start an ldr and move to the new country too.

We closed the distance two months after getting married and he came. This is where all the problems started. He has been really homesick and has had trouble adjusting to the new country because he doesn’t speak the language yet. I have been trying to be supportive, but the thing is, he takes out his anger on me.

Right from the start I told him I didn’t want him blaming me for moving and he always assured me he wouldn’t and he wanted to move anyway. This has now changed and I am the evil b that uprooted his life.

What bothers me the most, is that he’s changed towards me. He no longer wants to talk through our disagreements, instead preferring to give me the silent treatment. This will “teach me a lesson,” apparently.

Nothing I say or do is good enough and he gets into a fit of rage every time I have a different opinion on something.

He hints about wanting to move back home, which is a deal breaker for me (I told him this from the start too). I have been trying to build a new life in the new country and I completed a degree and recently landed my first job in my field.

Should I keep trying to work on my marriage? The person my husband has become does not seem interested.

Not Happily Ever After

Dear Not Happy,

This marriage stuff really takes two people. You can give your whole heart, you can go the extra mile, you can be prepared to talk it all out but at the end of the day the other half of the party needs to want to make it work. They need to put in the effort too. I would say “they need to meet you half way” but that wouldn’t be entirely correct because marriage is not 50/50. In marriage we need to give 100% all of the time, or as close to 100% as we can get, and our partners need to be doing the same.

It doesn’t look like he wants to work on it, but honestly, from my perspective it doesn’t look like you are willing to work on it either. Regardless of what you warned him of before you tied the knot, you’ve asked a lot of him. Perhaps too much. What exactly does he get out of this situation? What are you giving back in exchange for getting to live in your country of choice and him leaving everything behind to be with you? What is the trade off? What does he have to motivate him? And don’t say “this marriage” because you also benefit from the marriage.

To me it looks like you want to have your cake and eat it too and you’re wondering why your partner who has no cake is upset.

Yes, you warned him. He agreed. But perhaps he didn’t fully comprehend what moving to a country where you don’t speak the language would be like. Obviously he thought he would cope better than he did. Chances are he doesn’t want to talk through it because he knows you aren’t willing to compromise. What exactly do you want him to say if you’ve made it clear it’s your way or the highway?

No he isn’t blameless. He is being petty and childish. But I believe if you look at the underlying cause of all your little arguments they will lead back to his general unhappiness and his belief that you won’t compromise.

So the question isn’t “should I keep trying to save this marriage?” it’s “should I start trying?” or more correctly, “Is my marriage more important to me that other aspects of my life?”

It is ok for that question to be no, but it isn’t ok to lay the blame for the failed marriage solely at his feet.

In life, things change. Situations are not always what we expect. Sometimes we don’t react the way we presume we will. Often the fantasy is more enjoyable as a day dream than as a reality. Marriage is about going beyond those things as a team. Marriage is promising to stand by another person no matter what. For a marriage to survive there needs to be some flexibility, some forgiveness and understanding.

I’m not saying you should automatically pack up and go home, but it can’t hurt to work visits into the budget so he can go home a bit more frequently and recharge. Or you can help his best friend/brother/other significant person afford to fly over and visit him. You can also help him get in touch with other locals who are immigrants too so he can build a network of friendship and support. Talk to him about the reasons he wanted to move and try to recapture that magic.