Miss You Issues: Not So Asexual - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

After 6 months in a LDR, why does she refuse to send even ONE photo ?

Her name is Linda, we have known each other since 2003. I live in Oregon, she lives in southern California.

Linda dated my younger brother until their breakup in 2009. I went through a divorce in 2009 .We kept in touch and occasionally would text each other purely in a platonic way. (holiday greetings mostly)

In summer of 2015 we started to increase the communication and before long we were talking every night and expressing affection for each other. We talk, very often, of my moving back to California and starting to really pursue a relationship together.

I send constant photos of me, or events I’m at ,and even short videos of things going on in my day.

But Linda absolutely refuses to send a single photo of her ever. She goes in to a rage if I ask for one and won’t talk to me for days afterward.

On top of that she won’t even tell me her home address so I can send her valentine or Christmas gifts .

Am I being royally played for a fool?

Terry

Dear Terry,

Linda’s photos belong to Linda. Linda belongs to Linda. And most importantly, Linda does not owe you anything.

I would hope that one of the times you have asked for a photo and she has refused you have asked her why, rather than some internet advice columnist. Whatever she said to you then is likely the true reason that she’s not sending you a photo.

Just because you choose to send lots of photos does not mean she is obligated to do the same. It comes down to communication; evidently she communicates in a less visual way than you do.

I don’t think she’s playing you. I think you need to take a good hard look at what being a woman is like and the risk that’s involved. Understand that every day she, and all of us, live with the knowledge that if we get hurt the burden of proof will fall to us, even though it shouldn’t. When women become victims support is thin on the ground; we are asked what we were wearing, why we were there, why were we talking to that person, why didn’t we protect ourselves better?

By not giving too much too soon and not giving out her address she’s protecting herself until she knows you better. You harping at her about this issue is likely only reinforcing her disinclination to lower those shields.

Again: Linda doesn’t owe you anything. You don’t deserve to receive photos, and when you do eventually get them understand they are a gift – A privilege, not a right – and act in accordance.

Be kind and patient, all else will come in time.

Dear Miss U,

My girlfriend and I have a bit of a complex relationship.
Both of us are female. We’ve expressed to each other that we are asexual people, and the thought of any sexual behaviors in our LDR is completely unfathomable, making the physical barrier of things easier.

Until now.

I’ve slowly discovered that I’m not as asexual as I thought. I’m so much more attracted to her… The problem? I haven’t actually told my girlfriend. I want to take it to that level with her, however, I feel like that might turn her away from me.

We’ve never actually met in real-life, but I really do love her, and I don’t want to make her upset. Even though we’ve been together for a year and a half, I feel like I still can’t tell her exactly how I think of her…

The second part of the problem involves someone else. I’ve met a boy recently that is also starting to grab my attention, and me his: He’s asked me to “hang out” with him multiple times, however, I’ve never known on what terms. I’m freaking out — because I actually kind of like him. I’ve started imagining him in the place of my girlfriend: She’s always so busy with school and seems to have very little time left for me. It’s like I’m out and about with this boy more than I am with her!

So my questions are: Is this normal? Do you think this feeling for him will pass if I tell the truth to my girlfriend? Should I give in and leave a year and a half behind for potential chemistry with this guy? I don’t know what to do!

Thanks!
Anon

Dear Anon,

I think talking to your girlfriend about this issue will provide you with the direction you need, or at least more information with which to make a decision.

It’s perfectly normal at your age that your sexual identity and needs might evolve a little, or that you might feel the need to experiment a bit to confirm the things you already know. Sometimes fantasies are just that, and when played out in reality they don’t feel the way we imagined they would.

To broach this subject with your girlfriend I would simply start with the question “If I wasn’t as asexual as I once thought I was, what would happen to our relationship?”

There are a handful of possible solutions, but only the two of you will know if any are right for your situation right now.

In a separate conversation I feel like you also need to ask for more of her time/attention, if that’s at all possible. Clearly all your needs are not being met by this relationship, and for the relationship to be healthy and fulfilling you need to address that.

You know what is great? Masturbation. I highly recommend this thing. It will allow you to explore how sexual you are without bringing in people to complicate matters, and you only have to worry about pleasing yourself. Beyond that, when you’re not carrying around sexual tension it’s easier to make informed decisions and not give into temptation.

In the event your girlfriend wants to continue this relationship with you, and you reach an agreement about meeting your newly found sexual needs that you are both comfortable with, I feel it would be best to cut contact with this guy, or at the very least significantly decrease contact and make sure all your meetings are either in groups or in safe public places where you won’t be as likely to make a decision you’ll regret.

If you love her, you need to honor your commitment to her and make saving this relationship a priority until/unless you reach the point where the relationship is proven unable to keep you both happy.