Dear Miss U,
I meet my boyfriend about a year ago; we have never seen each other in person, but our relationship is great, we Skype almost every day and he is very understanding, sweet and warm. I have meet his friends, even his family, and I love him much, but I tend to be more reserved and cold, and I haven’t talked about this to many people, just a few very close friends. He says that he understands and he loves me being like this, but he also says he would really like to meet my friends, and I notice he gets a little bit sad, and that really gets me.
I don’t even know how I’d explain this, because usually I’m not comfortable talking about the way feel. And I don’t just want to do this to please him.
I wish I could let people know he is part of my life; because in a long long time, I haven’t been this close to someone, and I hate feeling like I’m hiding him.
Is it really that bad to not tell a lot of people about it?
And, maybe is a silly question, but how I tell people if I do?
Thank you much,
– Donut.
Dear Donut,
Your personal life is no one else’s business and thus you’re not obligated to share it. Whilst I don’t advocate dishonesty at all, if the subject of your love life has just never come up then you’re not truly hiding anything. If however you have been changing the subject or outright lying when people ask questions or make comments, the easiest way to tell people is to just be honest next time that it happens. It’s not bad to refrain from inundating people with the ins and outs of your relationship, but it’s probably nice if they at least know you’re involved with someone. In the long term it can get very upsetting to a partner to feel like they are such a small part of your life that they have never once come up in conversation with others.
A common way to let people know he’s part of your life is probably social media. You don’t even need to make an announcement, you just change a couple of simple settings and bam, everyone knows. From there, just casually tell the truth. If you don’t make a big deal out of something it is much harder for others to make a big deal out of it.
Beyond that, you tell people in exactly the same way you would if you were near-proximity. Some examples:
Your friend: “What did you do last weekend Donut?”
You: “Oh not much, watched a movie with the boyfriend, walked my dog. That kind of thing…”
Your sister: “Hey, do you want to hit up this fantastic shoe sale with me?”
You: “Sure, but let me finish this conversation with Mr. Boyfriend first. Did you want to say hi?”
Your Mom: “Are you bringing anyone to Thanksgiving dinner?”
You: “Nah, Mr. Boyfriend can’t make it this year, but he’ll probably call to wish everyone a happy holiday.”
Another super easy option is to just include his name on correspondences, such as birthday or Christmas cards. “Warm regards, Donut & Mr. Boyfriend” lets whoever know that you consider yourselves an item and insinuates he helped out with the card/gift in some way, but doesn’t leave an easy avenue for you to be pestered with questions.
Dear Miss U,
My SO and I have been together for 3 years and are closing the distance soon. Since then he’s had a rough time losing his job and struggling to find work. I’m trying all I can to help and support but I often get pushed away as he withdraws. I feel that anything I suggest is met with negativity and put downs. I’ve been in tears lately due to his unfair treatment of me. I’m the only one consistently there for him but he’s treating me very unfairly. He immediately apologizes but his mood swings are really taking its toll on me. I’ve given up suggesting jobs as that gets him riled up so I feel so helpless. He’s so negative since losing his job and I’m not sure how to help. I suggested he see a recruitment agency for help but he just says he’s useless and not qualified enough. I also suggested seeing someone for depression but I’m slammed when I do. I’m scared as I’ve left my job to move and am worried that if he keeps going like this I’ll be moving to my SO’s town but won’t be with him. He says he loves me and at times he’s great but I don’t know how to fix this rut he’s in. The last few months before closing the distance should be exciting and I’m finding them so stressful. How do I help or is this something that’s out of my control?
– Unable to Help
Dear Unable to Help,
As with anything in life, you can only help the people who want help, and who are willing to help themselves; until he gets to that point there really is nothing you can do.
We all face stress through our lives, and how one deals with that kind of stress is very telling. Apologizing for his actions is nice, but if he continues to treat you unfairly regardless of those apologies, it calls into question his sincerity.
Personally, I’d be rethinking closing the distance until he gets his shit together and stops taking his issues out on you.
