Dear Miss U,
I have an incredibly special relationship. We met in dreams before we ever connected (online), we share the same sense of humor, same taste in music, same ideals and even the same thoughts. If I feel an inexplicable emotion, it’s more than likely because he is. If he gets hurt, I feel it in my own body before he even tells me. We became very close friends early on, and then that matured into the most profound love I have ever felt for another human being. It’s scary and beautiful and fragile yet so strong.
This is wonderful, yes, but the distance is making me feel like I am tearing inside bit by bit. We want to meet up so badly but money is basically non-existent on both sides and I near the end of my rope. This relationship is unbelievably precious to me and I would say that I’d go through hell to make it work but I kind of already am. We both have shadowed pasts and he has a lot of pain to work through, I want to help him but I’m afraid that because we are so similar I will lose myself. I can’t devote my entire life to someone who I may not meet for a long while yet. I can’t be his therapist but he won’t accept help from anyone else. Sometimes he unnerves me with his intensity and other times he simply won’t talk.
I love him with all I am, and it would devastate me if I were to lose him.
I’m not sure what specifically to ask but I need help. Any insights or ideas, advice or thoughts? Please. I need a fresh opinion because I feel like I’m at a crossroads. Thank you.
Blessed and cursed.
Dear B & C,
Most people would probably call you crazy, but I believe it. I have this kind of connection with one of my siblings, and even when we are fighting (as siblings do, even as adults) that connection remains. To be honest, there isn’t a way to have this kind of connection with another person and not get hurt in some way. That’s vulnerability for you. That’s life. A balance of pleasure and pain, of intimacy and intrusiveness. You do have to take the bad with the good, and you need to be strong enough of mind to realize you are blessed to have that and just laugh off the hard bits. Gratitude goes a long way.
The best tool any of us have in a long distance relationship is our attitudes. Our minds. You can embrace it and count your blessings, or you can suffer and be miserable. For the most part, it is a choice, so choose happiness.
I assure you, most people have a past. There are a few ridiculously lucky sheltered people who don’t have shadows, but even those people are crippled in some way, often by the experiences they didn’t have. None of us are clean slates, and that’s good! How boring would we be with no ticks, no weird habits, no triggers and no stories? But it’s important that both of you recognize that you can’t fix each other. You can’t complete each other. You need to be whole humans; then complement each other. I’ve written before “be cake.” It’s true. You need to be cake, fully baked in your own right, and then let the relationship be a glorious icing.
You are right. You can’t be his therapist. If he has some mental illness he needs to do what he would do for any other illness and see a doctor, it’s that simple. There’s no shame, but if he doesn’t think he could “just get over” heart disease by himself, don’t let him delude himself into thinking he can just overcome the things that haunt him.
As for being desperate to meet, most of us either feel that way right now or have felt that way. It’s par for the course. You can use it to relate to other people within the LDR community, but no one is going to feel much sympathy. It’s just how it is. And those of us who made it out the other side can tell you that it’s worth it. It not only makes for a great story later, but it also gives you the kind of foundation other relationships aren’t blessed with. I rarely disagree with Mr. E, but when we do argue the things we have gone through to be together – to be able to stand there and feel the bad air between us – dwarf whatever the problem is. Nothing is greater than what we have already overcome, and that’s powerful.
The best I can tell you is to accept your lot. Accept yourself. Accept him, (and if you can’t imagine this lasting AS HE IS start thinking about saying goodbye, because you can’t change people.) Accept that you are long distance for now and make the best of it. Don’t fight against it. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Face the challenge, and make it awesome. Yes, that really is possible.
You might have to wait a long time. Years. I did. Many of us did. But it makes no sense to say “I don’t see you enough, I never want to see you again!” so the only way is forward.
Dear Miss U,
I’m American, she’s Filipino. We barely knew each other during my visit there, but she started messaging me when I got back. I just wanted to be friends, but it slipped that we both think the other is cute. Month later, I’m still just trying to be a friend, but it is obvious we have mutual feelings. She keeps asking me questions and I hate lying so I tell her I like her a lot but am not sure about an LDR. She’s in another relationship and I’m not the “steal another’s girlfriend” type. Then out of the blue she says: “I’m willing to wait 5 years for you. Are you?” Because we are both in college and half the world apart, it would take 5 years before we can see each other again. And she wants an exclusive relationship. I like her, but this would be my first long-term relationship of any type. I expressed doubts and she exploded, saying she never wants to talk to me again and unfriended me on facebook. Trying to be the nice guy I swallowed my pride, apologized, but explained why I wasn’t ready for that, and told her I still want to be friends. She keeps saying she never wants to talk to me, going silent for a day, apologizing, coming back, leaving again, etc.This is extra difficult because it isn’t just long distance but cross-cultural. Dating before becoming official is much less important to her than to me. She’s also been hurt in the past by failed LDRs. My anti-LDR friend said I need to just leave her alone. I want the pro-LDR opinion on if it’s actually me being unreasonable.
Pressured in Pendleton
Dear Pressured,
No one has the right to rush you into a relationship you do not want or are not ready for. No one has the right to manipulate you or to try and make you feel guilty to get what they want. Additionally, she’s in a relationship. I’m pretty blasé about cheating a good deal of the time, but this is straight-up wrong.
I would take her over-reaction and unstable behavior as a sign to block her and move on. You don’t need a girlfriend like this any more than you need a friend like this.
I’m all for long distance relationships, deep commitment and waiting for what you want, but this is your first relationship. Both you and I can see the kind of sacrifices you’d have to make to make this relationship work, and honestly it doesn’t sound worth it. You think she’s cute and there’s a little mutual something there, which is fine, but to make that kind of monumental commitment and sacrifice this would need to be earth-shattering love because it’s clear there will be no flexibility at all here.
You’re not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns.
