Dear Miss U,
My ex and I had been in a 3 year LD relationship. He was from Ghana. We never got a chance to meet in person (due to financial issues/him getting denied visas) but we would always keep in contact via video chats, call, texts, emails, etc. Over time things started to change. The communication wasn’t as great as it used to be, it started decreasing. I started getting frustrated due to the lack of communication and many failed attempts of us meeting (he was supposed to come to the U.S. to visit me, but never did). Things use to be so well between us. We loved each other dearly. Our love was inseparable. As the communication decreased, arguments became more frequent. Things weren’t like they used to be. He decided to let me go because he said he didn’t want to “hold me back from being happy.” I told him that I still wanted us to remain friends but he didn’t accept that. It has now been 2 months since I’ve heard from him. No emails, no texts, no phone calls, NO NOTHING. I want to know how can a person say that they loved you so much and cared about you but all of a sudden vanish without saying anything?…smh. He turned his back on me and just walked away. After all that we’ve been through together, I thought he would have at least handled this in a more loving manner than he did. This only proved to me that he really didn’t love me like he said he did. I wish I could tell him how much pain he has caused me but instead I rather just close this chapter and never look back.
Miss USA
Dear Miss USA,
I’m not really clear on what your question is, so I’m just going to go ahead and give you my opinion as that might help you find your way to closure.
Once a breakup takes place your obligation to that other person and their obligation to you ends (unless there are children involved, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish.)
After a breakup, you need to be your own best friend, and a good deal of the time that means cutting contact with the ex – which is exactly what he has done.
Realistically, why should he remain friends with you? It isn’t easy to transition from a relationship to merely friends, and in the case where there has been a lot of fighting or where feelings of love still persist (I believe both to be true in your scenario) then it is often more desirable and indeed kinder to your ex-partner to cut contact.
If you think about it, isn’t it selfish of you to expect him to still have contact with you? Isn’t that equally as selfish as his desire to never speak with you again? Are you not both just looking after your own interests, as you should after a breakup?
His disappearance in no way means he never loved you. It could mean he loves you too much to face the pain of pretending to just be your friend. Or it might mean that he is still deeply hurt from all the fighting and can’t bear to hear your voice. Conversely he might be fed up with fighting with you, and avoiding conversation because he’s not interested in more drama. You’ll probably never know.
What you can know is that his cutting contact with you now in no way cheapens what you had together in the past. It doesn’t make it less real. It just makes it over.
As you have said, you need to close this chapter and move on. The story of your romance has ended. Stop trying to get in touch with him, focus on being your own best friend, and you find yourself moving on that much sooner.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. He lives in England and I live in Massachusetts. With a five hour time difference. He and I are completely different people. He is very cynical, introvert and his friends described him as “Someone to be asexual.” And I am an extreme extrovert, but I get pressured very easily. Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend due to my friends telling me it wasn’t worth doing a long distance. His mom soon found out and told him that if he was to ever talk to me again, he would never be allowed to talk to people outside England. His dad and his step mom was right on board with it! His mom also made a point that I was a whore, saying I had a guy waiting for me every corner I turned. I broke up with this guy after two days and went back to my boyfriend, practically on my knees begging for one more chance. He gave it to me. But things were so different. He panicked and turned off Skype when he heard his mom come up / sister come in. It’s been 3 months since his mom made the threat. I feel like I’m a secret. I think it’s unfair that my family knows, and his family have the interpretation of me using him. What do I do?? Am I juggling with his feelings? This has happened 2 times in all, considering my boyfriend and I had a problem with a girl who he called cute… It’s all just a huge MESS!
It’s a Mess.
Dear Miss Mess,
It’s very very rare that I say this, and indeed I have given solid non-judgemental advice to much younger couples, but I honestly feel you are no at a stage of maturity to be handling this kind of relationship. I am sorry, I know how offensive that sounds, but I’m being paid for my integrity and from your letter this is all I can think. I feel that you need to take time and work on yourself.
Parents generally just want what is best for their children, they want to protect them. They don’t always go about it in the right way, but their intentions are usually benevolent. Whilst his mother has no right to call some girl she has never met a whore, she does have the right to restrict his interaction with strangers on the internet who hurt him. That is her job.
What you can do is learn from these mistakes. Let this help you develop a back bone so that next time your friends make judgements about a guy they’ve never met and a relationship that’s none of their business you will have the mettle to defend yourself or distance from their negativity.
Yes, you are a secret. Not only is he afraid of what his parents will do if they catch you two talking, he’s probably afraid of being humiliated if you dump him again, and that fear is your fault. You, and you alone, broke his trust. And trust takes a lot longer than a mere three months to repair. Is it fair that your family know and his don’t? Probably not. But that’s the price you’re going to pay to be in his life right now, so you need to accept responsibility for your part in that outcome and not hassle him about it.
Additionally, he’s in a committed relationship, not blind. He is going to find other girls attractive. This is a fact you need to accept of any relationship you’re in. Focus on being the best you that you can be, and those attractions will be fleeting. They will in no way pose a threat to your relationship. What does pose a threat is your jealousy.
In a relationship that makes it there is a solidarity, a sense that no matter what happens you will be together. Breaking up is not an option, and certainly not something to be used as a threat or punishment. Never go there unless it is 100% over. This is not a game.
For the time being, the best you can do is lie low. Give him and his family time to forget, time to forgive. Let time pass so that when he does feel confident to announce he is back together with you he can honestly say that you have matured and you’re not the flighty girl you once were. Be prepared for that to take a very long time, maybe more than a year. He might wish to have the security of being a legal adult before he tempts his parent’s wrath.
