Miss You Issues: Of Mountains & Mole-Hills - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I met my boyfriend when he was in a relationship with another girl, we were friends for a long time and when they broke up I was there for him, few months later he asked me out and we have been together since then.

But few days back, he told me that in the beginning of our relationship he met his ex once and he had a momentary feeling that he still loved her, he thought about it and chose to be with me instead. But the thought that he had such feelings makes me feel betrayed.

I don’t really know if I can trust him…since he never told me all this

Neena

Dear Neena,

You are making mountains out of mole hills. It was four years ago that you started dating and when he had a fleeting feeling for his ex. Four years! And he chose you. I don’t know why he told you this now, but I suspect he meant it in the “I’m so glad I made the right decision” way, not because he wanted to worry you or because he has regrets. I don’t feel that this is due cause for a trust issue because our partners don’t have to tell us every little thought or emotion they experience. He hasn’t betrayed you. It was a brief feeling a long time ago that he never acted on. If you are losing sleep over this have a conversation with the guy about why he’s dredging up the past but overall I believe that if this is the biggest problem in your relationship you ought to be counting your blessings!

Dear Miss U,

Me and my bf met online. He lives in the Bahamas, while I live in the US. And yes we have webcam and the whole works. For years he has tried to come see me but many times have failed due to his family needs and incidents. It’s really hard for him to save money and his job is only seasonal so the majority of the time he isn’t working. I’ve finally come to an understanding to all of this in to the 2nd year of talking with him. So I’ve decided to go to his country this year all by myself because no one I know wants or can come with me. The only person in my family who knows about this is my mom. Now that time is near my mom is nearly begging me not to go. She strongly believes I’ll get killed, I shouldn’t risk my life for no man, and that I’m thinking with only my heart. She also believes he’ll turn against me when we meet together. I’ve traveled by myself to another state already. She believes I should have let him come here or pay for him to come here so it’s on US territory and it is safer. I mean I wanted him to come here, and he wanted to come to the states too but I just felt it was best time to take this opportunity to go there. I soon have to go back in school next year and I want to meet him for the first time. So she’s making me feel as though this decision will be ending my life or leave me traumatized. Of course I’ve considered all these possibilities but still. Is it best not to go if I’m going by myself? Or should I go do what I’ve been waiting for all these years?

Rainy

Dear Rainy,

There is risk in everything. Does your mum have a reason to believe he will turn against you? Have you had a rocky relationship with him or has he given some other indication that he is unstable? Because if not maybe she is letting her anxieties get the better of her.

I think it would be nice for you to have met one or two of his family or friends over webcam before you go, just because the people we associate with often reflect our own values and traits, and for you to gather information about the nearest US embassy to where you will be staying. Make sure you have the funds to leave quickly in case your relationship isn’t the same in person and take all the usual precautions you would for any other international vacation. Be as safe and smart as you can, but go.

I believe it is better to regret something you have done than to live with the uncertainty of not doing it, however paying for him to come to you isn’t a terrible compromise if you decide now is not the time to travel after all.

Dear Miss U,

I am 20 yrs old. I live in CA and he is the same age as me and he lives in TX. We been talking for about 1 month and I am head over heels for this guy. We used to talk before but we stopped and we started again and he has a girlfriend. They have been dating for over a year but he talks to me as if we’re dating. He tells me he loves talking to me and he calls me babe. All those sweet things. We also Facetime and have late night calls and fall asleep on the phone. He will be coming to the same city where I live to do some job and he wants to meet me. I know we both did wrong because he has a girlfriend and I’m still talking to him. We tried to stop talking but we weren’t able to. I could really use some advice on what I should do

Thank you,
Texasgirl

Dear Texasgirl,

How would you feel if you were that other girl? Because if you stay with this guy there’s a pretty decent chance that in a couple of years when your relationship is as comfortable as old shoes you will be. I’m not going to say “once a cheater, always a cheater” because that’s bullshit, but I do feel I need to remind you that you aren’t immune to the same treatment. You know he’s a dishonest lowlife and through your actions and choices you are telling him that it’s ok. Moreover, you are letting him drag you down to his level.

I don’t know what advice I can offer you, seeming you don’t care enough about the wrongs you are doing to stop them. All I can tell you is that you are the master of your own life. You are in control of your thoughts and your actions and you make a contribution to the world we all have to live in. I find it super difficult to believe that a mere month of dating could have obliterated your self-control and better judgement, but if you say it is so, I can only believe you.

Beyond that? Use condoms.

Sincerely,
Miss U.