Miss You Issues: Of Sisters & Wives - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I have known my friend Sam for about 4 months now, and I really like her as more than a friend. She is beautiful, kind, and has a great sense of humor. I moved out of state about a month ago, and although I wish I had told her how I felt sooner, I originally thought it wold be better that way, as I didn’t know when I would see her again, and I felt that even if she did like me it would be unfair to ask her for an LDR right away. However, we’ve kept in touch and it seems like she’s interested in having a relationship with me beyond friendship. I’ve come to realize that if she wants to have a relationship, it should be her decision about whether she is ok with an LDR or not, but I’m still scared to tell her. My first concern is that I’ve heard long distance is hard, but I’ve never really heard of anyone trying it without first having a solid relationship as a foundation. My other concern is that I don’t really know how to bring it up, or how to remain friends without it being too awkward if I’m wrong or if she wants to wait. So I guess my questions are: Should I tell her, how do I bring it up, and what to do in both possible outcomes. I know it’s a lot, but I really appreciate any help I can get. Thanks!

Apprehensive in Arizona

Dear Apprehensive,

Plenty of people have long distance relationships without building a foundation first, hell, a whole bunch of us fall in love before we even meet in person, so you can let that worry go.
Long distance can be hard, yes, but it can also be fun and romantic. Like anything else, it is largely what you make of it and your attitude that decides how much of a struggle you will face.

Yes, tell her. How? Well you know her better than I do. Is she into showy declarations of love or serious heartfelt conversations? Does she need the details hammered out for her or is she a go-with-the-flow kind of person? You’ll need to tailor your “how” to who she is. But what I can tell you is to make it positive. Don’t lay it on thick about how hard LDR sounds or how sorry you are that you’re not there; focus on your feelings and the bond between you. Talk about how she lights up your life every time you speak to her.

If she wants to wait, wait. If you’re wrong and she just wants to be friends knowing is better than wondering. Suggest she take it as a compliment, and then laugh off the awkwardness as best you can. Respond naturally and kindly, and even if you don’t get the answer you want no harm should come of it.

Dear Miss U,

I’ve been playing an online game since December 2015. Communication is messaging only. You can have private messages. I met a man in my game. We played the game together & would private message about our lives. We became good friends. He told me he was married, when I asked. Sometime later we started to flirt. We talk everyday & now on weekends we’ve started having explicit sexual conversations which are very arousing. We have exchanged videos on Youtube of ourselves doing normal activities we love & want to share. Then we delete them. I keep my questions at bay since he is married. Last night during our alone time he said, I really need to be with you. You’re everything to me! You have no idea how much you mean to me. He asked if we could meet sometime. He & I have been very honest with each other all along. The videos do prove that. He is a sweet, handsome man & I’m falling for him. I am not married. I don’t want it to end. I feel bad about cheating but I don’t let myself think about it. I think he does the same. I know it’s wrong but I want to be with him. This started out innocently but now I don’t know how to approach him on the subject of his wife & why he is doing this, well affair behind her back. How do I bring it up carefully so he doesn’t say he doesn’t want to talk about it? I need to know why? What is going on in his relationship? It could be that it’s fine, right? Do they make love? Does he want us both? I’m starting to think about this a lot. Please help!

Willa

Dear Willa,

Let’s start with the obvious. This is wrong. What he is doing is wrong. You playing along and encouraging him to do it is also wrong.

I can’t count the amount of people I’ve counseled who have said “If my partner cheats, it’s over!” It feels very much to me like for the majority of couples cheating is the worst thing that could happen. The biggest betrayal. The deal breaker to end all deals. So ask yourself, how do you feel about cheating? How do you feel about relationships where one or both partners have sex outside the relationship, with or without consent?

Now think, if he did actually leave his wife to be with you, how would you feel knowing you had the kind of partner who wouldn’t talk through marital problems with you? The kind of man who would just replace you if times got tough? I’m sure he has a great heart-wrenching reason why he can’t either repair his marriage or leave it. Without a doubt he will produce a stirring excuse for how he has come to this point and how powerless he is to change the circumstances. They always do. But that doesn’t actually make it ok. That doesn’t remove the wrongness of infidelity. It doesn’t lessen his betrayal.
I guess what I’m saying here is, no, you don’t need to know why. You don’t need to know whether they still have sex, or to ask him to lie about still loving her. Because if he wanted to leave her, he would. If he was deeply morally driven to be honest, he would be. Actions always speak louder than words.

Now, I don’t automatically think everyone who cheats is a bad person. This really could be the start of something wonderful for both of you. But I do think we are all sisters. I do think all women need to stand in solidarity and protect each other from the horrible things we never want to happen to us. And that starts by standing up for what’s right and telling him you won’t help him betray this woman. You won’t be his mistress. You deserve better than that anyway.

So tell him how you feel. Tell him you want him and you love him and you’ll meet him. And tell him that you’ll wait for him. He can call you when he is single. If you really are “everything” to him, he’ll get his shit together.

Remember too that although he and his wife have both likely hurt each other badly – multiple times even – during their marriage, she is not your enemy. She is just a woman who thinks the man she took vows with, cohabitates with and whose dirty socks she is picking up right now actually loves her. She is the victim. Make sure your actions and words reflect that. Their marriage might be over and you might be the catalyst, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve your compassion and respect.

I hope all three of you find happiness.