Dear Miss U,
She is in Pa, I am in Fl…extreme circumstances prevent us from simply flying to one or the other to meet & be together, but plans are in motion to resolve this…
She is going through some extreme medical issues as well as very recent family member loss after gaining said family member back into her life – her heritage calls for private family time of mourning, which I understand, but even without this sad passing, there are times when I feel like I am losing her but then she is all cheery & smiles, as if nothing happened (ie bad feelings or words/situations between us). We talk online 5 nights a week and on the last night of our “week” together, lately one or both of us end up feeling hurt, abandoned, or just plain misunderstood while trying to be supportive of what the other is going through; the next couple of days that we do not talk, we are MISERABLE
My question is this: Why can I NOT let go of the negativity or fear that we will never meet, and why can I not just enjoy the great conversations we DO have online & look forward to the time when we will be together…??
One piece of info I will reveal, is that she & I are both married to wonderful men who support our relationship & have known each other since high school…
– Lost without her
Dear Lost,
Why can’t you let go of the negativity and fear? I can not answer that question. Perhaps it is something in your past holding you back or an aspect of your personality. It’s possible that you could come by this answer yourself through meditation or with the guidance of a trained mental health professional; and that would be a worthy pursuit. The more you know about yourself, the better.
In the meantime I recommend using affirmations to change the way you think about your situation. Words are powerful, something as simple as “My destiny is my own to forge, I am not afraid” can make all the difference if you repeat it enough that you begin to believe it.
It can also help to read other couple’s success stories. I recognise that not as many couples are in the same position the two of you are, or facing the same challenges, but just knowing the range of what is possible – what odds others have faced and still overcome – can help to reassure you that your own obstacles are not insurmountable.
You have a plan in motion, that’s a really good start. Focus on that when you’re feeling down. I also find it personally helpful to come at arguments from the perspective of “us vs. the issue” (not you vs. her.) and with the knowledge that no matter how bad the argument might become, it’s just a disagreement, not the end of the relationship. Be secure in the strength of your commitment; that makes it easier to let go of bad feelings.
Lastly, don’t leave the conversation when it’s unresolved. “Don’t go to bed angry” is an old piece of advice that still serves people well. Unless it’s absolutely impossible to do so, resolve the issue before you have to say goodbye – especially if it’s the last time you will talk for a few days. Sometimes an issue will be resolved but unpleasant feelings will linger, in those instances it’s worth taking time away from sleep (or whatever task a prolonged conversation would be interrupting) to do something enjoyable together rather than ending the call (or going your separate ways if you’re together in person) on a sour note.
Dear Miss U,
Alexaus and I have been dating since Oct. 1st 2013. We actually met on Twitter. She lives in Texas and I live in South Carolina. We’ve had a VERY rocky road with my parents not understanding what a LDR actually is. They actually thought she wasn’t real in the beginning. Throughout the guys hitting on her or the girls hitting on me, we’ve been very strong. I love her SO much, but I am always messing up. It’s one thing to another and I just don’t understand what I am doing wrong. I’m here on your website to ask you, what can I do to be a better..a PERFECT boyfriend to her. I just want her to know that I really care about her and that I love her a lot. We try to see each other, but money is a issue so we always Facetime every single day and every single night. Please help me Miss U. Before my relationship is over with. Oh, by the way. We’re also a interracial long distance relationship.
– Mario
Dear Mario,
I think it is very admirable that you want to be the best boyfriend you can be. Start with being the best person you can be: listen to others without getting distracted or thinking about your reply while they are still speaking. Learn from your mistakes so that you don’t repeat them. Work hard but also make her a priority. Use your manners, be kind and avoid being judgmental.
Relationship wise there is very little that can’t be solved with communication. Be honest, and though you might deem it “unmanly” open up and show her your feelings. If you don’t understand what you have done to upset her, ask for it to be explained. Unfortunately young women have a bad tendency to play games, but hopefully she can move beyond that and be forthright with you. If you ask her what you’ve done wrong and she answers “you should know” or “think about it” gently remind her that she’s not doing herself or the relationship any favors and that she too needs to communicate openly for the relationship to grow. In short, if you don’t understand what the problem is, you can’t fix it. Remember always that it’s the two of you on a team against your problems, not her vs you and whatever it is you’ve done to annoy her.
Finally, endeavor to keep the relationship fun. Make her smile and laugh; plan little surprises. It’s often the small thoughtful things that make a difference.
