Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating my LDR sweetheart for 2 years. He treats me like gold. I never knew a relationship could be this amazing or that I could be this happy every day. He’s wonderful, and goes out of his way to make me feel loved, beautiful and appreciated. He treats me the way I always wished a boy would. We’re crazy about each-other. I’m a lucky girl.
My friends and family all adore him and say they’ve never seen me so happy.
But I know that he cheated on his only other serious girlfriend (I asked and he told me when we first got together). He was 18 at the time and said he was young and stupid. I’m angry that he could do that to someone. I don’t personally know anyone who has cheated once and then not done it again, so I wonder if I am just being naive in believing he wouldn’t do it again.
I’ve always believed in ‘once a cheater, always a cheater.’ Also, I learned about a year into our relationship that my ex (who I dated 5 years) and who always said he’d never cheat on me, actually did cheat on me and lied about it. I was a very trusting person, but I’ve struggled to trust after finding that out. I suppose I shouldn’t have been so shocked as he never treated me well.
I have never nor would I ever cheat on someone. He trusts me wholeheartedly, and sometimes I feel guilty that I have trouble reciprocating. I mostly trust him, but I also want to protect myself.
Is once a cheater always a cheater true? Am I being naive to think some people can change?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
No, that dusty tired old saying is not true. It’s so far from true that it’s like declaring that coffee is a type of bean salad.
Let’s think about this. Think about all the terrible mistakes people can make, the horrible attributes people can have. For reasons beyond my comprehension some people are careless enough to drunk drive. Some of those people will figure out it is wrong on their own, others will get caught by the police and others will have terrible accidents. They might even kill people. Now, seeing the consequences, are you convinced all of these people will be so stupid or heartless to continue making this mistake? Yes, some of them will. But a lot of them will learn their lesson too. A lot of them will struggle through life burdened with guilt.
There are other people, regular people like you and I, who are shallow or judge people on their economic status rather than true worth. Will those girls who refuse to date shorter men and guys without six packs always be that way, or do you think there is a chance that falling in love with the right person will help them overlook or even embrace these things they once thought were flaws? Is the guy who was raised to believe a person’s bank balance determines how well they are doing in life doomed to never respect his partner who sees more value in volunteering with charities and creating works of art that never seem to sell, or would being exposed to new ideas broaden his appreciation of success?
People have a remarkable ability to learn. We learn new languages. We explore. We smash particles together to find out what the universe is made out of. We cut people open and give them new organs. We learn not to put our hands on the hotplates, not to leave our drinks unattended at parties and that breaking up over text message is the lowest of the low. If we can learn these things; from the fascinating all the way to those things that are common sense, why then couldn’t someone who was unfaithful one time learn not to do it again?
One a more personal level, I was a cheater. Way before I ever got married. And if I learned anything it is this: cheating is most often a symptom of something wrong with the relationship, not the cause of the problems. In most cases, happy people don’t cheat. I am reasonably confident that I won’t ever cheat on Mr. E, and he trusts me implicitly (which is a nice incentive too.)
Something else that is true is that all people make mistakes. Good people do bad things occasionally. Not through malice nor because they want to hurt someone, but because all people make mistakes. People who have never been unfaithful still can not say they have never done or said something that has hurt someone else. Again, not because you wanted to hurt them, but because people make mistakes. People don’t always see the big picture. And honestly sometimes we don’t see how wrong something truly is until we look at it in hindsight.
Furthermore, trust is more important than monogamy; which is why Mr. E and I have an agreement: In the event one of us feels the temptation to cheat or if for some reason there’s this incredibly kinky thing that one of us wants to try and the other doesn’t then we can go to each other and ask permission to outsource those things. That’s right, if he wants to see if he’s “still got it” or I want to go to a party and pash every man I see, we will discuss it. We are mature enough to recognize that we might not be everything the other needs, in every way, every day, for the rest of our lives. The depth of our love is such that we each are willing to put each other’s needs before our own desires. We want to see each other happy and fulfilled, but we also want to respect each other and ourselves. So far, this has never eventuated, but I rest easy at night knowing that in the event something like this causes a potential threat to our relationship he will come to me and start a conversation and I will be allowed to voice my concerns. We will reach a compromise, like we do with every other problem that crops up in this life we have built together.
Cheating is a betrayal for a number of reasons – because it steps outside the agreed upon boundaries of that relationship, because it involves lying and because it opens up both parties to sexually transmitted infections not just the cheater. But the physical act itself? Not such a big deal. For most of us, our partner did have other encounters before we came on the scene, and we probably did too. Yet we know the relationship doesn’t need to be threatened by that, because something stronger than all that holds the relationship together. These things are love, trust, respect and fun.
Just as you don’t need to be threatened by your boyfriend’s ex-lovers, you don’t need to be threatened by his ex-mistakes. His past is not there for your judgement. Appreciate his honesty, rather than harboring anger at a mistake he made that has zero effect on your life.
Lastly, cheating isn’t a character trait. It isn’t something cheaters can’t help but do the moment they lose their virginity. Some people never make this mistake, some people do it only the once when they are barely more than children (like your boyfriend) and some people think they are beyond it until they’ve been married thirty years and all of a sudden there’s these opportunities they never thought they would have the (mis)fortune of stumbling into.
It’s very easy to say you would never cheat. It’s easy to be on a high horse and think because you haven’t you never will, but none of us know the future. I never thought I would cheat either. I never thought I’d become a feminist. I never thought I would find a man that didn’t hit me – because I didn’t think such men existed. And I still don’t think I’ll ever enjoy cooking. But the unexpected does happen, and we’re all better off if we resist the temptation to judge each other. So no, you’re not naive; until he breaks your trust he deserves to have it.
