Dear Miss U,
So, we have been in this relationship for some time, and at the beginning I thought their deal was that I was 18 and he was 17, which none of us thought was an issue, but since he wasn’t an adult I really tried to be reasonable, and understand that his family worries about him. But they aren’t just worried about the way I treat him or something, they mainly worry that I am a bad influence, since the family has strong Christian beliefs and I am an atheist. It’s not like they are deeply conservative on other levels, but in this particular one they are really serious. I was never offensive or something, I just mind my own business considering this subject. But his mother, even though now he is 18 is still overprotective, and always finds a way to talk about me like I am Satan himself…And I am worried because not only he doesn’t get to see me every day, but he also has a negative attitude to face against our relationship, and that is daily and in person(unlike me).I really love him, and dating a Christian guy is really amazing cause he has some values I really admire and he really stands up for us, but I worry because if he listens to bad stuff about me every day he could end up believing them…
Should I be worried about the whole situation or am I kinda paranoid..?
Is there anything I can do to improve the situation?
Thanks so much
Grace
Dear Grace,
I think you have the right of it, religion should be one of those things people keep to themselves. You mind your own business, why can’t they mind theirs? Unfortunately, they believe that without the help their religion would provide you, your soul is doomed. And from that they may worry that you will steer their son away, and doom his soul as well. It’s a really big thing for some people, but they mean well.
Now, honesty is always the best policy, but it doesn’t always make your life easier. I wonder if there might not be too much harm in leading his family to believe that you’ve been converted? It might save some hassle. And you could possibly avoid in-depth religious conversation with them by saying “I like to keep my relationship with Jesus private, perhaps we can talk it over another time”. I don’t think you should have to lie but if that’s the only way to have his family give you a fair go, it might be worth thinking about.
As for your SO, it depends on the type of guy he is on whether or not he’d turn against you due to the constant negativity from his family, but if he hasn’t done so yet, then likely he isn’t going to. I bet he’s stronger than all that. It’s normal to worry though. Have you expressed your concerns to him? Perhaps hearing him reassure you will settle your nerves. With some family members, no matter what you do, you’re going to be the enemy. Sometimes, people don’t hate you for who you are, but rather what you are – his girlfriend. Sometimes people decide they hate someone before they have even attempted to get to know the other person. It’s sad, but when it happens to you, you need to remember that it’s their problem, not yours.
It’s none of our business what other people think of us.
Dear Miss U,
My guy travels A LOT for work. So much so that he often only has a week’s notice before he has to go somewhere.
Last Monday he returned from Austin and last Tuesday he got really sick, his cat was ran over and one of his friends died all within a few hours of each other. Ever since he seems very withdrawn (he pushed back a work trip because of it). 95% of the time he is messaging/texting me, at first I had to initiate contact but he will still text me first and we will chat. We still talk for hours either by IM or video chat, but he just seems so meh (ever since we met we either chat off and on all day or talk for hours at night). When I voiced my concern on Friday he told me “I don’t know why you are doubting how I feel about you, I am comfortable.”
I am planning on moving to Boston in April. He seems excited. Last Wednesday he was very sick and depressed but kept insisting we talk online because he wanted to see me so badly. We started talking about Boston and he mentioned that if I moved into his place it might be kind of cramped since his room is so small, but I can rent out one of the other rooms and he’d really like that. I said I think for the first few months I live in Boston I am going to live apart from him, but close. He stopped saying that he loves and misses me, just says sweet things like he hopes my day is well or returns my ‘I love you’ with a <3. I'm coming to see him in two weeks, should I just not go and save the money? Did his feelings change? Jori
Dear Jori,
I think you are reading way too much into this. Frankly, it’s not about you. He’s just been through a lot of stuff and it’s only normal for him to be a bit withdrawn or emotionally needy. He might be a little nervous about the move, especially since this relationship is quite new, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or want these changes to happen. We all get a little scared and hesitant sometimes.
Go visit him. Even in the unlikely event his feelings have changed, it would be better to go, settle things in person and get closure (or perhaps change his mind by reminding him how awesome it is to be with you) than to call off the trip for the sake of the money. Visits go a long way towards repairing long distance relationships and injecting hope into the lives of the people in said relationships.
