Over protective and possessive boyfriend

Dear Rishi,

The first step to solving a problem is realizing you have one, so good on you for being proactive!

The number one thing you have to grasp here is she is not your possession. She is not an object. Not a thing. You do not own her and even if you marry her, you will still never own her. She’s not yours, she belongs to herself, and she is only with you as long as she desires to be. So any time you begin to feel that possessiveness stirring I want you to say to yourself, “She is not a possession. She is a person, not a thing. I do not own her, I will not treat her like an object.”

EVERY TIME. Until you no longer have these thoughts and feelings at all.

When we see something or someone, for example a provocatively dressed woman walking down the footpath, we have an automatic reaction. A thought pops into our heads unbidden. And often it isn’t the nicest thought. It might be “she’s too old/too fat to wear that.” Or it might be “what a slut, no self-respecting person dresses that way.” I get this too sometimes and it’s awful. What’s worse it’s not me, that’s not the kind of person I am, it’s not what I stand for and certainly not what I teach my children. But it’s there, nonetheless. This response, I believe, is our social conditioning. Maybe its outdated things our parents used to say or trash-talk we absorbed on the playground at school. But what I can tell you is our first thought, or instinctive judgment, is NOT necessarily correct. It’s our subconscious spewing up the words programmed into us during our receptive years – things taught to us by other fallible and prejudiced humans.

It’s the second thought that determines who you are and how you will react (or if you should at all.) My second thought in the above example is always, “Her clothes are none of my business.” “She can wear whatever she wants to,” and most importantly, “What a person wears (or who/how many they have sex with) has no bearing on their self-respect.”

My message to you today is to make your second thought count. “I do not own her.” “I trust her.” “She does not have to dress in a certain way for me or for any other person.”

Let me tell you something you may not realize. The type of men to “get pervy” will do so no matter what she is wearing, mostly because they don’t see her as a person -an equal- they see her as an object to be acted upon. As a woman, I can tell you there are far too many of these men in the world, and I can also state confidently that the times I’ve been catcalled, harassed and yes, even abused, it had nothing to do with my clothing or lifestyle.

I have had far more men call things from vehicles or offer their “company” to me when I’m wearing track pants and I haven’t done my hair than I ever have when I’m dressed nice, out at the pub or partying with friends. “Pervy” men press their crotches into you on the train when you’re in your work uniform. They go for a little side-boob when you’re trying to get your baby stroller off the bus. They whistle out their car windows when you’re walking home from the gym in an old sweatshirt. They pretend to be tutors or religious leaders or other such kindly respectable individuals and sucker in naïve girls with baggy jeans and no makeup. And then, when they can, they use excuses like she was dressed provocatively, she’s had sex with me in the past, she shouldn’t have been so drunk, she shouldn’t be out alone after dark, etc.

This all ties into something known as rape culture. A problem with our societies where victims are blamed, and the onus is on women to protect themselves, rather than on men to be decent human beings.* We tell women to cover up because men might be aroused if she’s showing her shoulders or too much leg when that’s ridiculous. Even if she’s naked, that doesn’t give anyone permission to do anything to her that she hasn’t verbally, enthusiastically, consented to. Furthermore, this is an insult to men. Men are not some kind of stupid, penis-driven, beast. They can and should control themselves, and if they hurt a woman they should be punished for it regardless of what she is or is not wearing. I mean, if you go out in an expensive suit, does that make it ok for me to rob you? Are you “asking for it?”

What I’m saying here is it’s got nothing to do with her how other men react around her. It’s not her clothes. It’s not her lifestyle. It’s not her pretty face. And it’s certainly not cool for you to expect her to change who she is out of fear of other men not being decent human beings. Even if some guy found her attractive and she thought he was good looking too – that isn’t a sin. It’s ok to think another person is hot! What matters is how we comport ourselves after that thought. Obviously, if a guy were to take interest and approach her, she would say “No thank you, I have a boyfriend.” If he’s a decent person he says, “ok cool.” And if he’s not? That’s on him. It's not her fault if he reacts badly.

I encourage you to Google the hell out of rape culture so that you can see how dangerous these possessive thoughts can be, and how prominent they are in society. When you are educated about all the values you do not hold and do not want to encourage, it makes it easier to create change within your own mind and heart.

You sound like a really nice person, and I’m so glad you wrote in. I hope something I’ve said here helps you become the person you want to be.

*Yes, men are victims of violence, including sexual violence. Yes, women do attack men and other women sometimes. Yes, these are issues worthy in their own right. But the vast majority of cases is men against women, so that’s what I have focused on because it is most relevant to Rishi’s question.